Capricious

20 - Vanilla Skies

"We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the colour of our moral character, from those who are around us."
- John Locke

Strawberry chewing gum reminding me of days in Paris, roaming across the city, tea and croissants, towers and coins, walking and climbing. My first exploration into a land beyond my own.

Feeling as if I'm lying in a pool, body swayed by the waves. Yet it is my mind that is truly floating.

What other senses might we uncover, what colours might we see, what dimensions might we traverse?

Our lives in perfect balance. The four of us. Maybe not always, but drawn we were. Ones we became twos, twos we became threes, and threes have become more. How we evolve together, how we know what we know, how we base ourselves. Knowledge, experience, confidence. We are ever both the teachers and the students. We learn more from one other because we understand one another, one another's desires, one another's strengths and weaknesses. We help each other. We share without a care. It is all a combination. The music we listen to, the places we go, the things we try. Everything we know of life. It is all even. And it all comforts us. They are everything now. I can tell them everything and I want to know everything they do too. Never before could I be so comfortable outside of myself.

The first of them. We friends from childhood, my closest and best. The only one that stood by me forever, that kept trying to set me free no matter how much I hid. I owe so much to him, to his independence. We did so help each other grow. And through him I found so many more. He thinks as I do, feels as I do, lives as I do.

The second of them. There at times, but circumstance did end up pushing us together. That two-year world shared with him, he was the only one that rode through with me. Together we test our knowledge of history and geography and economics. We can exist without saying a thing.

The third of them. For so long the friend of acquaintances, but now perhaps closer to my mind than any other. He has changed more than anyone I know. He introduced me to that world, and I thank him for it. We can talk so deep, about psychology, sociology, philosophy. Our minds expanding in such similar directions.

There are others that should be here. Others like us, who could be one of us, who could share this with us I know. Those as pure, as gentle, as visionary as we are. We can all be so much more together. They are the figures from my dreams. The mavericks. Those connected in soul before our lives ever began. They are the people met before meeting, we friends from the off. No fear, no awkwardness, no time needed at all to be able to exist together. Where could the others be? How do we all come together? Purpose and acceptance. Souls the same, circumstance the same, friends the same.

All the truth exploding free. I could never trust anyone enough before, to delve so completely into my soul. Full on honesty, it streams out, waterfalls and mountains and planets kept deep within. Before it would be lies encouraged, to guard against inexperience and resulting resentment. I just wanted to fit in. I had to lie to appear the best, afraid to be considered ordinary in the balance of things. It wasn't enough to have my strengths, they were not what the world respected. So I made my weaknesses into something more, to be like them. That created the distance I'm sure, because they never believed me. I was so afraid to be so, but the truth is I am so average, so very very average. That's all I'll ever be. And pretending to be more will only see me lose.

Such a character. Everything I collect. Hidden under. That burst. Others live through it, refine because of it. My bright blonde hair darkening across the years. No wonder why.

This camouflage of magic, such inspiration dawns on me. How suddenly aware I am of everything. I can finally put together the pieces. This is the key, the want to be honest, the understanding why. These epiphanic moments that change everything, that awaken a life buried inside, that can do so much more. It shatters your current state of mind, makes you unafraid to love entirely, without pathetic regret or silly fear. It is explosive. A gentle slide down the waterfall in pure beauty. Whatever sins I may feel are no longer so. They are instinct. I feel so good. I look so good. I see so good. Hundreds of interconnected frameworks and pathways form from every thought, from every spoken word. Which one do I follow? I can't forget this, you can't let me forget this! I must live. Knowledge unknown so exquisitely satisfying.

I think ahead to live easier, to live in the moment, without distraction, so I don't have to think.

I've kept it all in way too long, boiling away inside my head, simmering, stirring. So much, so many things unsaid, unshown, unlived, my personalities they have become. How mad have I made myself?

I'm scared that this feeling, this knowing, this confidence will slip away. Why must we only feel comfortable in that state? Why can we only be true, be unafraid, be ourselves in that form? Why can we only truly feel accepted then, and never apart? Our lives end up revolving around an excuse to feel this, so we can fall back on blame, just because we're not strong enough to be real in reality.

It was a climb through stairs and corridors, each level different, each another game. It was the place of crazy fun and wild sex, of hide and seek and chase. There was never no escape, there was never any fear.

Those rays of golden light and warmth clearing mind and clearing darkness. How I've missed this. Odd how the weather can control emotion so. I haven't felt so free for so long. This whole time I couldn't even recall how good the sunshine felt. The impulsive sneeze and spontaneous grin. All the weight is lost. I can move swifter, faster, forever. Nothing can hold me back. All eyes on me. Associated memories of pleasure in the sun, of games in Peru, of ignorance in parks, of topless bike rides, swimming pools and falling in love. This freedom felt so very rarely. Times of mutual affection long ago.

Nothing is absolute. It's all relative. There would be no good without evil, no light without dark.

Oft times a deep, empty sleep can melt the days together. But a deep, lucid dream on the other hand can create an age between days.