Capricious

26 - Disaronno Carousel

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."
- Lao Tzu

Oh, settle my dear wandering mind. You may not look like you, you may not feel entirely comfortable here in the thunder of other lives, but you must simply play this confidence game. Anxiety hurts, but I shall not think, instead lose myself in the rapture of the unknown. Step lightly, burn brightly, expect nothing, love everything.

Forging the barbecue from brick and coal, meeting blooming flowers one after the other, joining in all and not being hurt for it. I am not intimidated. Guys to know and show love and share jests, girls to know and flirt with and joke around. Garden mess, punch packing a punch, samples of all I could want. It is alarmingly too good, I'm afraid my mind loves this world more intensely than I should. A guest is all I am after all, no right to stay, no right to judge. Becoming the friendship I encounter, but it is not mine. I am bright, I am bold, but I am ever the fool.

Catching eyes, expressions playing, tensions accelerating. Dancing with barely a word, but oh so obviously into me. Perhaps if my attention wasn't focused elsewhere, what fun could we have brandished? But looks die, our mischievous flirting wilts away. Always falling further for the blonde, chasing failure no doubt, never to see her again.

Comfort seeping into other circles with the confidence of not fearing to burn as brightly as I do so wish.

But that warmth was euphoric. To talk, to play, to learn from others. Moment by moment, frayed and cycling, luxurious times. Just to be known, to light up their eyes, to connect and know that my true self is worth something after all. Exquisite rapture of frivolities, living in a closer, safer, loving world.

Returning to an alcoholic craze in a borderline world like those of old. Yet being rooted in a few unleashes branches to extend to all. I am wild, absorbed, unafraid. Shining like I do, the environment comfortable and unprejudiced enough to make my mind feel safe. And there, sharing laughs and jokes and the occasional story from those I have lived. We don't need to be so close, we just are. Spreading between every person of unique brilliance almost unknown before. Just being free. Dancing in dizzy dynamism. It's all a carousel.

Self-destructing erratic flashing hell. Demons of noise and light corrode my every sense. I can't. Enclosed into a ball, refrigerating in my self-imposed seclusion. It was all going so well. Too greedy for more bliss, I took it too far. Now I have lost entire layers of natural personality. I am all gone. I am nothing. I am the pity of all, even my friendly muses. All a murky haze of reservation against an idea of another person that can't have been me. What can I do to become the me of before? I just can't. I have wasted it all. I am nothing once more.

It was warm fuzz. Fading into blaring woodwork. Picking up scents of mutual happiness with multiple new companions of informal cohabitation. She is all I look for as she looks for me. We playful against sailing barriers of extension. I queried, I quailed, I quarantined. Still she came to see me in my frightened squalor. So perfectly innocent, her tumbling golden hair, her crystal blue eyes, her suggestible entrancement. No matter how wide I stumble, I find myself drawn to this stranger who I talk of infinite randomness without a fear. A selection of oddities. Bodies melting together on the sofa, she keeps me from the cold. If only it didn't have to end.

Dodging pepper cartwheels in the night air sauna. Mesmerised by living a new life, the pinnacle of my creation for such mixes. It is all gone. I broke and the machine has flown away. Delicately collapsing against will into a field of dying semblance. Screeching spirits and molecular marathons. Now I shout from underneath my veil, but I am too broken to last, simply tossed aside no good to all.

Rising in the rejuvenation of the morning sun. I am dull inside, head lounging uncomfortably, breathing dusty. My body destroyed, my mind resurrected. But now I need to be alone, I need to comprehend, I need to rest. Intense through till I broke. It was all spiralling up to the peak, then I lost it. Missing out as known and less known falter from the scene, leaving me caged in a darkness I cannot wake from. I should not descend into failure though, I am not alone in this, there was so much happiness for the few moments of despair. Was I too naughty? Was I too rough? Was I too unclear? What even was I trying to do? Mind changing with the crowd, bending to who, averaging shared emotion, then disparate to those that fit less outside of me. Still I impressed, only a guest I know, but there may still be a chance to return. Foolish hope shall guard me until I fall into darkness as I always seem to do too soon. So much then so little. The loss so great. My mind is quaking, but I can't stop now.

A resurgence of wild flurrying day dreams fitting realistically into chance. They provoke a happy, smooth sensation to levitate through phases where even alone I cannot be lonely. My imagination is swarmed with hope, and all is bright, brilliant and brash. I have returned to that confident impulse of summers passed and I know, all is fucking beautiful.

The simple stage of messaging delight, and the magnificence of jumping excite. Turns back and forth to continue what we started. Every little word burning viciously into joy, for it is all a bubble, and in truth this path is dead, wobbling on the edge, I have lost all chance I had, and when it pops I shall be covered in despair. Or I could just not care. Dizzy living is all it is. Just float.