Peter's Journal

What Do You Get In Return?

**Another Venom storyline because this is the only metaphor I have to complain about my problems. I know Peter Parker is a Catholic, but I switched some aspects for the sake of plot and venting.

I honestly don't believe in God. I just believe in science and logic. I said I'd  never come to this building again, yet here I am at the bell chamber of a church asking Him why everything has just gotten so bad.

The symbiote has been doing everything in its power to take over my own body so it could bond with me permanently. That meant screwing up my whole entire health to the point where I felt like I was dying.

Because I skipped meals and slept late, my body was shutting down. My focus was so poor and short, I had no idea what my teachers talked about in my classes. Even my grades suffered greatly. I'm failing my English class just because I can't manage to bring myself together.

And then the same problem has been lingering inside my head for so long, at this point I think that's all I'll ever remember. Some decision was made, and it left me in constant turmoil.

What if I am different? What if I do say I am this and it turns I was just faking it? What if I am and I'm just doubting myself? I don't want to make a mess of things-

Because the truth was, if I was different, it's going to be a far bigger secret to keep than this Spider-Man gig. As it is, people already hate me for what I do.

The Bugle writes negative press about me, making all my efforts to keep this city safe go in vain. The people of New York constantly trash me, blaming me for alien invasions and people like the Rhino plowing through streets.

It's not my fault. I didn't cause these things. It's not fair to me who always tries to do the right thing only to be given shit about it.

We could give you want you want, Peter Parker.

The voice was deep, menacing, and convincing.

"I'm listening." I answered.

Everyone that ever hurt you... Everyone that ever took you for granted... Everyone you helped and never appreciated you... We can destroy.

"No... That's-"

Wrong? Parker, what they've done to you is wrong. You have every right to feel the way you do. Revenge is just.

"Revenge isn't what I was taught. I was taught forgiveness. Being able to see the best in people and do what's right."

Yet, where has that gotten you, Peter Parker? You have no money, no significant other, no one to look out for you.

For a moment, I feel like the owner of that voice is right. I didn't have what I wanted and nothing's been going right for me...

I reach out to complete the bond with the symbiote.

...but then I remember all the good times. All the things I went through that make me who I am. The times people appreciated me. Every time I made a difference in someone's life.

What are you doing believing in those lies?

"Realizing what you want me to become is what I hate the most in the whole entire world."

You can't escape us Spider-Man.

The suit tightens itself around me. I can't move. I can't focus. I feel myself drifting away.

"No... You're not... Going to... WIN!"

The symbiote continues to restrain my movement realizing what I'm planning do. I grip my arm and pull away at the parasite. I can feel it scream as I separate it from my body, but it won't give up easily. The suit escapes my grip and latches back on.

Frustrated, I pull at my mask causing the symbiote to stretch, screaming even louder inside my head.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

Starving you.

I stumbled back and forth struggling with the goo. Suddenly, I knock into something.

BONG! BONG!

My brain feels like it's going to...turn to Jell-O...

With the bell ringing and the symbiote's sudden loss of grip, I felt so disoriented...

It was like Vertigo.

I kept pulling and tearing. Pieces finally giving way...

I won't give up everything I believe in... Everything I am... To become one with the symbiote. I deserved to feel the way I did... But it was never right to act upon those emotions. You're the very thing I hate the most. All you ever did was feed off me until I felt like I was dying... I'm done with you.

The last thing I remember is collapsing on top of a black puddle with my head blaring.

I'm so sorry... For everything...