Peter's Journal

Then Why Do You Do It?

"Don't you think I ever thought about giving this shit up!"

I finally snapped. For once in my life, I stand up for myself. Because I'm tired of this.

"Peter, you don't have to be doing this- this stupidity. I've always told to leave them to deal with it. To avoid trouble you don't need," she argued, "Why do you insist on doing this to me, Peter?"

A mix of emotions run through me. Anger clouds my judgement, instantaneous regret just makes me want to lie to get this over with quicker, sadness... Sadness is telling me to break down and sob until she goes away. But she won't. She's never listened. Never tried. She's never cared to understand why I do all of this. Her ignorance forces me to undertake this conversation.

"Mom, I do this because I have to."

"Who? Who says you to? This just sounds like some excuse for some kind of self-destructive tendencies-"

"I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!"

She stares at me blankly in silence.

"I didn't ask for these powers. They just happened to me. I was at the wrong place, at the wrong time, and something gave me these abilities. The moment I neglected to use them, something happened. A gun man took someone from us, and it was all my fault. It was my fault because I chose not to act."

"You didn't know, mijó," she replied.

"No, I didn't, but to know I could've done something about it with these powers makes me guilty. You think I choose to stress myself out for my friends' issues even though you think I can't do anything about it? Because I shouldn't?"

She furrows her eyebrows and says, "Those individuals... They're all not real friends. Friends don't do that to one another.

"I did. I did so many times, and they've never once held it against me. They've never told me straight to my face that I stress them out with the same issues you cause me. They've put aside everything, at times, and stayed up in the dark of night to listen to me. To offer advice... To comfort me. I know if they didn't have my back, I wouldn't be here especially after freshman year."

Without even realizing it, tears had already begun to roll down my face. My voice somehow didn't break yet. My mom looks at me for a moment.

"Maybe, it's because I'm still here that makes you think it's alright to not act whatsoever because nothing happened," I add, "That if you choose to do nothing about your son, nothing will happen. Well, guess what, someone else did something about it when I reached out to them, too."

"Mijó, pero así son las cosas en la casa-"

"Manipulation isn't normal. It happens in life, but that doesn't make it normal. Much less right. All the shit you've done to me isn't right. Seventeen years of this, and it took me sixteen years to realize that you've manipulated me constantly. Put me down for beneficial gain in arguments. Never admit you're wrong. This makes me reluctant to ever open up to you, but I'm telling you right now, I don't care whether you accept this or not, I just need you to understand..."

I take a deep breath.

"I need you to understand that I'm afraid that if I don't act when I need to, maybe someone else won't make it through their freshman year. As much as I want to give this up, I can't. Not yet. I know I have made some kind of impact because when I look back at certain situations, I know some people wouldn't have kept pushing if I hadn't acted."

Police car sirens grow louder as they head down the street. I glance at my mask before putting it on.

"I hope you understand."

*THWIP!*

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I never thought I'd be coming back to this app, but here I am. Hopefully this now stays as an actual semi private journal.