Princess of SAMCRO

On a Run

I woke up just before dawn to another nightmare. I could barely breath and was sweating and shaking. I really did not want to wake up Ava because I would have to explain to her what was wrong with me which would involve lying to her about why I was having the nightmare to begin with. Not worth the trouble. 
I begin to find my way out to the back deck to get some fresh air. The walk to the door seems painfully long as I still feel as though my airway is being tightened. Finally I reach my destination and the cool air is a welcome feeling on my skin. I take three elongated breaths and begin to feel better. Jesus, this shit could stop any time now. I almost call Jax, but think better of it because he would probably insist on coming to pick me up. I end up staying outside far past sunrise until I hear movement that I assume to be Ava's parents inside the house. I sneak back in through the sliding door and into Ava's bedroom undetected. I was calmer now but I knew that I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep so I opt to read while I wait for Ava to wake up. 

It is almost three hours before she even starts to move and I have finished a quarter of the book that I picked up. I love this girl to death but she loves her beauty rest and even on a day when I am not woken up at four AM with a nightmare, I get up way before her. I make the decision then that I am ready to go home so I nudge Ava awake just enough to tell her I am leaving and that I will text her later. She mumbles something incoherent and goes back to sleep. 

Since it is almost nine by this point, I head right to work at TM. As I pull into the lot, I notice that not even half the bikes are parked in their usual spots and that Jax's is one that is missing. When I get to the office, Gemma is already there and working with her glasses perched halfway up her nose. 

"Good Morning Gem"

"Mornin' sweetheart. How was Ava's?"

"Great! It was really nice to see her. Where is everyone this morning?" I ask. 

"Oh they had to make an unexpected run to Indian Hills and meet with Jury. Should be back sometime tomorrow"

"Oh okay". I reply and busy myself with some filing. I can't help but feel annoyed that Jax left the state without even a text to tell me he was going. Granted, I didn't tell him that I was going into the city yesterday, but at least I had let him know that I would be spending time with Ava. Now he is off on a two day run and I had not heard from him since yesterday morning. All sentiments that I had been feeling about 'Us' I was starting to question. It may just be me, but when you are in a relationship with someone, you tell them when you are leaving for two days. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. 

I had been weary of becoming an 'Old Lady' because of the rules that came along with the title. For starters many of the older members had no interest in including their Old Ladies in on club business and the woman were just expected to be in the dark. Clearly that isn't going to work for me. I don't need to know details but I do believe that I have been part of the family for long enough already that I can handle at least a portion of the truth. Secondly, the what happens on a run stays on a run thing. That's just bullshit. Runs rarely last more than a few days so there is just no need for it. I roll my eyes at this and notice that I have been staring at the same piece of paper for about ten minutes. Gemma noticed too. 

"What's got you distracted?" she asks with a raised eyebrow. 

Now is definitely not the time to be telling Gemma about Jax and I. "I had a nightmare last night and was up before dawn this morning. Just tired is all."

"That been happening a lot?" she asks.

Only when I am unable to sleep with your son. "On and off since the kidnapping yeah". 

"Alright. Let me see if  I can find some sleeping pills. I am sure one of these guys must have some. We will see if those help."

"Yeah okay. Thank you Gem". 

The day drags on for what seems like forever. I am exhausted by the time I make it home. I still haven't heard from Jax, which makes me even more irritable. Gemma has invited me to go shopping with her, something about needing stuff for dinner when the guys return. I decide to stay home instead though because between my being tired and my annoyance with whole club run thing, I am less than pleasurable to be around. 

I really don't want to sound or be needy, which is why I haven't reached out to him. I understand that club business will always be a priority but why the radio silence? The more I think about it the more angry I become so I decide to take steps to forget. I hop in my car and head back to the clubhouse. When I get there, I find Piney holding down the fort, although it looks like he has been asleep for hours. There are also a few hang arounds and some Croweaters but other than that the place is quiet. I grab a half full bottle of Tequila off the shelf and head to Jax's dorm. I also make sure to text Gemma to let her know that I left for the night without providing too much detail. 

I need this is what I tell myself as I take the first few sips of the vile liquid. Alcohol, check. I start playing my my music from my IPod loudly through my earphones. Loud music, check. As I keep sipping the alcohol, I can feel my body loosen and my mind start to become freer. I take one last long swig and flop back onto the bed with my music still playing at full blast. Somehow I am able to fall asleep like this and surprisingly I make it through the night without nightmares. 

"Brooke? Is that you? What the hell are you doing here?" I hear Gemma ask as I groggily open my eyes the next morning. My IPod had died and my earphones had fallen out.

"What time is it?" I ask, noticing the sun is brightly shining, too brightly. 

"Its past ten. Why are you here Brooklyn?"

"I..." finding the now empty bottle of tequila I hold it up, "...I needed this." As I sit up a wave of nausea rolls over me and I rush to the bathroom emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. 

"I would lecture you but it sounds like you are already regretting that decision" I hear Gemma from the room. "I came to grab Jax's laundry. The guys will be back soon and I will need help with dinner". With that she left me to continue dying alone. 
A shower does me wonders and followed by a cup of coffee, I am starting to feel human again. My mood has not improved much since before the half bottle of tequila, but at least I got a break from my consistent overthinking as well as a good nights sleep. I guess in a matter of hours I will be face to face with the source of my annoyance and anxiety. Great I sigh out loud to myself as I drive off the TM lot towards home.