Princess of SAMCRO

Walls Come Down

Juice's POV

I feel like absolute shit because I drank way more than I should have last night. The morning sun feels nice as I slowly take continuous drags off my cigarette, which happens to be the third one I have had since waking up. I don't usually smoke this much but it helps my hangover and I can't stop my mind from wandering so the mindlessness of smoking is helping with that too.

I think back to last night and seeing Brooklyn come into the clubhouse. I notice her as soon as she walks in and can immediately tell that something is wrong. She looks like she has seen a ghost or like there is a disconnect between her mind and her body. My stomach drops because I hated seeing her like that. As I am about to round the bar to go over to her, Tig walks up to her and says something. She barely looks at him, but I see her mouth move. Tig points towards Jax and she moves in that direction. I continue to watch as she stands in front of him, motionless until he guides her to the dorms. My stomach drops for the second time as I watch the walk down the hallway.

I shake my head as the feeling in my stomach begins to return. Her and I aren't together, because we fucking can't be. But I think back to Santa Barbara and allow myself for a brief moment to get angry at the thought of her being with Jax again. I know she has been with him in the past, the recent past, but I thought that things might be different after our trip. I tell myself that I can't be jealous or even angry because she isn't mine. Easier said than done.

Jax walks out of the clubhouse and says a good morning which I return, hiding the feeling that is again creeping into my stomach. I knew that it would be hard over the next few months not being able to be with her and I had prepared myself for that. I guess I just hadn't realized how hard it would be.

A few minutes later she walks out. She looks tired and I notice she is wearing her clothes from yesterday, but she is still beautiful. I selfishly thank a higher power that she is not wearing Jax's clothes like that first morning because I desperately want to see her only in mine. She stops and looks at me with a look in her eyes that I can't quite place. She comes closer to me before speaking. "Will you take me somewhere we can talk? Please?".

She sounds as exhausted as she looks with a hint of worry in her voice. I agree without even thinking because of course I am not going to say no to her plea. I ask her if she wants to take her car or my bike and she replies that she doesn't feel like driving. She grabs her helmet out of her car and hops on the back of my bike. I revel in her touch as we begin to ride, and I notice that she is holding on tighter than last time and her head is rested against my back. I forgot to ask her where she wanted to go, so I make the decision to take her back to the tree that we stopped at before returning to Charming.

When we get there, she takes off her helmet and gets off my bike, remaining silent. "You didn't mention where you wanted to go so..." I trail.

"This is perfect Juice" she says with a smile and walks to the tree, sitting in the grass underneath it. I follow and take a seat beside her.

She is silent for a few moments before speaking, "I didn't sleep with Jax last night" she says flatly.

"Okay...I..."I begin but stop, not quite sure what to say. I admit that a wave of relief rushed over me with her confession.

She continues, "I mean I slept in the same bed as him, but nothing else happened." She is staring over the hill at the field below and I wonder where she is going with this. I appreciate her honesty and the fact that she wants to tell me what happened.

"I appreciate you telling me Brooklyn" I tell her honestly and she moves closer to me so that she is tucked in the space between my arm and torso.

"I felt bad last night, when I saw you behind the bar. I just..." she trails again but I give her time to think about what she wants to say. "...I'm messed up."

I have no idea what she means by that, but I feel the urge to tell her she is perfect. She continues before I get the chance. "I have these nightmares and panic attacks from something that happened years ago. They haven't happened in a long time but for some reason last night I had a bad one".

I think for a moment. I have no idea what she has experienced in the past because we haven't had the chance to talk about it yet, but I want to know everything about her. "Do you want to talk about it?" I ask tentatively and she nods.

"It was just before my eighteenth birthday. Jax and I were riding his bike from TM to Gemma's house for dinner. All of a sudden, a car pulls up too close behind us and two men get out. They hit Jax over the head, knocking him out, and stick a needle in my arm drugging me so I pass out. We woke up blindfolded and handcuffed in a basement. It ended up being Mayans demanding I don't even know what from the club" She pauses, and I feel my heart pumping faster as she tells the story. I hated the thought of her being involved with SAMCRO like that.

"We weren't down there for too long, just over twenty-four hours but it was awful. We managed to get them to remove the blindfolds, but they used me to taunt Jax. They kicked me and broke two of my ribs and punched me against a wall causing me to have a brain bleed. I was in the hospital for five days after."

"Jesus" I whisper and hold her tighter.

"I started having nightmares in the hospital and they continued after. That was at the same time that Jax and I started seeing each other and the only time that I wouldn't have nightmares was when I slept close to him"

I can sense that she is going to continue so I remain quiet, but I lean down and kiss her softly on the top of her head.

"Eventually I got over the panic attacks and the nightmares stopped to where I could finally sleep alone again. But having that nightmare last night brought me back to that time. It was like I was back in that basement; everything was the same, even what they were saying to us. I woke up and I could feel the pain that I was in back then and I had a panic attack. I didn't know what else to do so I drove to the clubhouse to find Jax."

She looks up at me and I think she is waiting for my response. "Did the panic attack stop, were you able to sleep?" She smiles up at me.

"I was". She says simply. I am glad she told me, not only about last night but about her past. She looks up at me again before speaking.

"I haven't had sex with Jax since a few weeks before he got back with Wendy" she confesses and although I won't admit it, I feel instant relief. That was almost two months ago and long before Santa Barbara.

"Oh. Okay. You don't have to feel like you have to explain yourself to me." I say but I hold her tightly against my side.

"Yes I do Juice. I care about you." Her words make me smile and I can feel her looking up at me.

I look back down at her and my eyes dart from her eyes to lips, "You know I care about you too Brooklyn" I say and before she can speak, I bend down and meet my lips to hers. She returns my kiss and moves her body so that she is straddling my legs as we sit together on the grass.

All of her confessions today have made me fall for her harder. I am happy that she trusts me enough to give me so much insight into the traumas of her past. She has had some walls up since I met her, but I can see that she is slowly letting me in and for that I am grateful. I am also happy to know that she has not been with Jax since we started getting close. Just a few more months and this could actually be something real. As Brooklyn and I continue to kiss, I think about what that would mean for me and I can't help but to smile.