Princess of SAMCRO

Panic

I wake in my bed with a jolt. I can feel the tears streaming down my face and my body is drenched in sweat. A nightmare. I have been basically nightmare free for years, with only a few sleepless nights since. But this one was different and immediately my body and mind succumb to anxiety and I go into flight or fight mode. Flight.

As I drive away my mind is fuzzy and I feel like I did after being kidnapped. I fucking hate this feeling, this feeling that has peered its head rarely since the initial incident. But this is worse.  Seeing those men in my dream brought me right back to that basement. The looming darkness is not helping my state of mind or my ability to safely drive. My mind flashes back to the darkness of the blindfold that night, the searing pain in my ribs and head, the voices of the men who were holding us. I try to keep my mind focused on the road as I make my way to TM. I only have one thing holding me together and that is the thought of finding Jax.

Since that night, Jax has been my only comfort from the crippling anxiety, and the PTSD that came after the incident. He has been the only person to help with my nightmares and my only instinct in this moment is to find him, to seek him out for relief from this awful feeling.

It's late, but not late enough that the party happening at the clubhouse has ended. I pull into the lot probably faster than I should have and park my car. I sit back in my seat and look towards the entrance to the clubhouse as I take a deep breath, in and out. I feel every sensation throughout my body with such intensity that I feel like crawling out of my own skin. My breathing is increased but I can't seem to get a breath in. My skin tingles as the numbness takes over, but the numbness of my body doesn't stop me from continuing to feel everything. That makes no sense I think to myself except to anyone who has ever experienced panic attack, it does.

I don't want to interact with anyone as I think about making my way inside. I just want to find the one person who understands what is happening and who knows how to help. My mind begins to race and as I continue to sit paralyzed in my car. I wonder if my mom would be the one to help me if she were still here? I bet she would be although it is hard to imagine her, especially in this moment. What if Wendy is in there? This is a distinct possibility but what the hell else am I supposed to do? I am already here and I shouldn't have driven in the first place. Beyond that, I know that Jax is my only hope at relief from this hell. Okay just open the door and get out of the car, I tell myself out loud. I do so and make my way towards the building. It feels like my head is in a balloon floating above my body. Or maybe it feels like I am a zombie just ambling about. Everything around me feels like it is not real and I am thankful for the loud music playing, acting like a guide as to where I should be moving my body.

As I walk through the door to the clubhouse I scan the room as it appears no one has noticed me enter. It feels like I stand there for hours although it is only seconds before Tig approaches me.

"Brookie" He slurs, "Whatcha' doin' here so late?"

I look at him with a blank expression and squeak out, "Jax?". I am thankful that I manage to phrase it as a question.

Tig raises an eyebrow at me and I know that he is aware that something is off. He points to a couch in the corner where Jax is sitting in conversation with Chibs. I manage to mumble a thanks.

I continue my zombie walk across the clubhouse. My eyes have tunnel vision as everything in my peripheral vision is blurry. Remind me again why I have never gotten on meds for this shit? I reprimand myself as I approach the couch. I stand silently in the moments before the two men realize my presence.

"Brooke?" Jax says with a concerned look.

"I...." I can't manage to think straight about what I need to say. "I... uh..."

He stands up and puts his hand on my lower back, "Okay B. Lets just get you somewhere quieter" He says as he begins to lead me to the dorms. I nod and walk with him, thankful that he keeps his hand on my back guiding me.

As we walk across the room I am faced towards the bar and see Juice, standing and staring in our direction. His face is unreadable, worried and skeptical maybe. I think back to our time outside of Charming, Fuck. I want to yell across the room that this is not what he thinks it is, but I don't have the resolve to do it, not in this moment.

Jax and I reach his dorm room and he shuts and locks the door behind us. Turning to me he asks, "What happened Brooke?"

I feel tears begin to well in my eyes as I move towards him. "It's happening again Jax" is all I say before his arms wrap around me. I let go and allow myself to cry because finally I am feeling something other than the anxiety that has been building inside of me since I woke up. I let myself feel his arms around me and I can already feel my breathing begin to return to normal. His scent is nostalgic and calming in this moment. He doesn't probe any further and I know that he knows exactly what is happening. He lifts me into his arms like I am a baby and easily carries me to the bed, laying me down just as softly. He removes his Kutte and rounds the other side of the bed, climbing in and positioning himself behind me. I feel him start to rub circles on my back with one hand as the other rests on my arm.

This is routine for us, or was the routine when my nightmares were at their worst. If I had a nightmare and the anxiety that always followed this is exactly what he would do for me after. I am thankful that he knows me enough to not need an explanation and I am even more thankful that he remembers how to calm me down. My body is still shaking as I feel him pull the blankets onto both of us and his arm wrap around my stomach. Eventually my breathing returns to normal and my body stops shaking and I am able to fall asleep.

I wake up in the morning and my mouth is as dry as a desert and I am so hot I feel as though I am in one too. Momentarily I forget where I am and what could possibly be causing me to be so damn hot. I shift slightly and feel Jax's heavy arm still around me causing the memories of the night before to come flooding back. I sigh and turn so that I am facing the ceiling.

I haven't had a panic attack like that in years. Sure, my anxiety can be a daily thing I deal with in small doses but nothing like that. Those panic attacks that I had thought I had left behind years ago suddenly reared their ugly head and I sigh at the realization that this was probably not an isolated incident. Jax shifts next to me and I know that he is close to waking up, which I am thankful for because I need water. He stretches and looks over to me, "Mornin' B".

"Morning Jax. I uh...I am sorry about last night". I need to learn how to deal with this shit on my own.

"Don't be sorry" He yawns and sits up, running his hands through his hair. "What caused the nightmare?"

"I'm not really sure" I explain. "Nothing has happened recently" and I shrug.

He simply nods in response.

"I just don't want to cause any problems with you and Wendy" I continue and I mean it. Despite nothing happing other than sleeping in the same bed, any girl would be unimpressed with that.

"Nah, don't worry about it. I am happy that you came to me." He pauses and his brow furrows. "I'm real sorry that happened again. I wish I could take away what happened back then"

He has said that to me on so many occasions and despite telling him otherwise, I know that he has always blamed himself for us getting taken. I don't bother trying to tell him it wasn't his fault because that would be pointless and instead, I smile at him. "It's in the past Jax, and I got over this last time. I will do it again".

He smiles back at me, knowing that it won't be that easy but going along with my sentiment anyway. "Please let me know if you need anything" He says before giving me a soft kiss on the head. He gets up and puts on his Kutte and heads for the door.

I nod and smile, "Thank you again Jax".

He heads out and I realize that I am wearing the same clothes as yesterday and that I am in desperate need of a shower. I consider showering here in the dorm but decide against it as I think a bath at home would be perfect. I gather my phone and keys and head out of the dorm. As I exit the clubhouse, I see Juice sitting alone at one of the tables smoking. His eyes raise to meet mine and realize what this must look like. I need to talk to him.