Million Pieces °Bastille Dan°

Bubble Bath & Reassurance

I close my eyes whilst laying in the bubble bath. For the first time ever I feel like I've completed everything I've ever really wanted to do. Or be. I know I shouldn't really be having a bubble bath because of infections and stuff, but I am past the point of caring. I know that I'll be fine.

It just feels weird being me right at this moment. And I know I should get over it, and I'm not as special as I think I am. But...I feel that way because of my family.

And I'm lucky.

I open my eyes and...nearly die of shock. I wasn't expecting Dan to be standing there holding both Lynx and Luna. He's wearing shorts and this vest thing. She's wearing a short but baggy white nightdress. "Aren't they cold?" I ask while Dan walks in and puts them in the small baby basket which sits behind the head end of the bath.

We brought it mainly because when Dan goes on tour I won't be able to hear them from the bedroom, as well as hearing their monitor over the water.

"I figured that it would be more warm in here...than out there." I nod my head before smiling.

"Was she sick?" Dan looks at me confused. I guess I need to elaborate...

"I thought she was going to puke." I admit. However, Dan cracks a smile before shaking his head.

"No. But she was more than happy when I made her and her brother some of the baby formula." I don't know what I'd do without Dan. I don't get how single mothers can cope. Without Dan...me, Lynx and Luna would be a total mess.

"How're you?" He asks while I sit up and turn my body anti-clockwise slightly. Just so I can see them in the basket.

"How am I?" I repeat the question in disbelief. Dan never really asks how I am.

"Yeah."

"I mean...I'm good. How're you?" Dan flashes a smile.

"Marzia Smith, I came home and found you, our daughter, and the furniture covered in your breast milk" — Dan nervously laughs — "the baby was weirded out and you was crying. I'm fairly sure that you're far from good." I shrug my shoulders back.

"I'm good now, trust me. Just never ever get me to do that again." Dan understandingly nods his head with a reassuring smiles

"You're doing way too much, you know that right?" I don't say or do anything. I like being able to keep on my toes. I like doing things...even if I do look pregnant still.

"My mum suggested that we can stay over their house for a couple of days...or even a few weeks. It'll make me happy knowing you won't be slaving over chores, while I fuck off to the studio. You heard what the midwife said." I think me and Dan heard different things.

The midwife told me that I can resume my normal life within one to three days. That it's best if I get used to walking around and doing things sooner rather than later.

"What did she say?" I curiously ask, already knowing the real answer.

"To not over do it." I've over done nothing. This evening was the first time where being a mother got to me.

I'm perfectly fine now.

"We're not going to burden your parents. Isla has already been coming around and doing so much."

"I know you secretly hate them...but having a break will do you good." Actually Dan's got that wrong.

"Daniel. It's the other way around. Your mother sees me as a little girl. I'm going to be twenty three this year but she is like 'nope. You're not even a woman you wouldn't understand' and the funny thing is that I understand more things than her." Dan tilts his head back in frustration. Dan is surrounded by feisty and stubborn women.

"They like you really, you know they do. Mum hugged you after she saw Lynx and Luna for the first time." Because she is obliged to hug me. I just gave her a grandkids. She probably got caught up in all the emotions.

"A hug is more than bitter words." Since when has Dan became a modern day William Shakespeare?

"I'm not going to stay with your parents. We're perfectly fine here. It was just one rocky night, that's all." It was Dan's fault too.

If only he said he was going to get the formula in the first place...

"Am I a bad mom?" I whisper feeling weird. Like I just feel out of place. I don't know if my parenting techniques is good. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing...and it's scaring me.

"Fuck sakes Marzia. You know you're not." That's when I sink down into the water until I'm fully submerged. I wait a few seconds until I'm short for breath.

I can never last that long underwater.

"And maybe try not to kill yourself until the kids are eighteen. They both really kind love you, as so do I" I close my eyes for a few seconds while I hear Dan laugh.

"Why are you so melodramatic?" Me melodramatic? Never. I just don't want to be considered a bad mom. I feel like I'm doing so many things wrong right now. I don't want to let her down.

"Why are you..." — my voice trails off for a few moments while I think of a comeback — "so you?" I question while Dan shrugs his shoulders back crouching down on the floor next to my bath.

There's no privacy whatsoever in this household. I mean...there will be when they're older. But when it's just me and Dan...we're comfortable enough for anything. Even the gross shit. Dan has literally seen me give birth, that's totally not something someone cannot ever forget. And that fact still makes me nervous.

"I would love you and leave you to get on with your bath, but you look like you're about to fall asleep any second and I'm not going to let you drown." My husband is now my personal lifeguard. I'm so lucky.

"And please stop overthinking things. You're a good mum. Me, Lynx and Luna adore you. Stop being so hard on yourself." That is something I'm afraid I'll never be able to do.

"Just...relax yeah. I think they're both asleep." Dan says while he kneels a little higher and smiles in direction of their basket.

"I love you..." I tearfully sob. I'm not even going to hold it in anymore. I just feel like crying all the time and I don't know why.

There's literally nothing to cry about.

"Aw, I love you too, darling." I close my eyes while Dan leans over the bath and kisses me lightly on the lips.

"Let me know when you want to get out yeah, or if you need help washing your hair?" I'm not incapable. I never was incapable. But I appreciate Dan helping me. So he sits down on the floor next to me and pulls out his phone. I can just about see over the edge. It's the British version of The Office. God, it's so cringe. But still we both laugh at various points. It's funny how we always end up having weird family time...compared to 'normal' families.

But I like weird.