Million Pieces °Bastille Dan°

Dinnertime

"Look, who's that? Who is that on tv?" I happily say whilst pointing at the screen, Lynx looks in the direction but he probably can't see a thing.

Although he recognises Dan's voice straight away.

Dan usually sings to them so he fidgets around in my arms trying to see where he is. "It's daddy!" I enthusiastically whisper before kissing his cheek.

"I want you to be happier..." I lightly sing while he awkwardly continues moves about. I look in the small portable crib besides the sofa and see Luna doing the same. I don't think it's because they lost their dad. I put Lynx down and decide to have some time with Luna. It's kinda hard juggling between kids. I try to hold her still but she just won't stop.

"Hey...girl...Luna stop" my voice trails off. She has a lot of strength. She's like the hulk of little babies at the moment, what's gotten into her? Lynx wasn't this...cranky. By the looks of it he is now trying to sleep whatever is wrong off.

Am I doing something wrong?

"What are you doing?" I whisper while she then starts to make weird little sharp noises.

I hold her upwards and smell her nappy. It doesn't smell of anything, and it certainly isn't heavy. So it can't be that. I look away for a few seconds as I hear something fall in the kitchen, when I look back I catch the time.

Oh god, they need their dinner!

Shit. "It's okay. It's okay..." I then quickly rush into the kitchen and rummage around through the cupboards, all while holding her small body with one arm.

"I know you're both hungry, I'm sorry. Mommy's sorry." I can't stop apologising. She looks really sad.

"Oh fuck no." I whisper looking at the empty formula packet. I forgot to ask Dan to get another one before he went out. I hope the party hasn't started yet...

That's when I immediately grab my phone and text Dan. No way am I going out on my own with two newborn babies, - especially when there is a psycho on the loose.

Mia - Babe, Luna and Lynx need more formula. Can you pick some up ASAP? They're really hungry.
Dan - But I haven't even seen everyone yet. Plus we're all going to the rooftop cinema
Mia - Why the fuck are you going there? Babe, our daughter and son are hungry. Can't you excuse yourself and quickly come back home?
Dan - But I've really wanted to watch this film for ages...
Marlene - you're 2 mins away! Go to the Tesco's get Luna and Lynx's baby formula, come home and then you can go back out and watch your film
Dan - Why can't you just try giving them your tit?
Mia - Wow. Fucking wow. You know that it hurts me. Even the doctor said that I shouldn't do that!!!
Dan - I promised them lot that I wouldn't go anywhere. I'll get it in two hours, okay. Until then...just give them water.
Mia - They can't drink water yet!
Dan - Love you both x

Fuck Dan.

He can be such an asshole sometimes. I put my phone down on the side and then brush Luna's cheek with my finger.

She looks up at me...I can see tears filling up her eyes. God, I hate this so much. I'm such a fucking bad mother. How could I forget? One night without Dan and I...oh god.
I then look down at my boobs. Before I tilt my head backwards.

I have no choice.

This is all because of Dan being stubborn. "I know you're a classy girl." I whisper while I slowly walk back into the living room.

"But you and your brother going to have to..." I don't even know what I'm doing. I sit down on the sofa and pull my baggy night shirt down over one boob. I don't know what to do...or how to get her to do what other babies do. So I awkwardly put her head near my boob.

"Come on." I gently whisper.

She needs something to drink. Both her and her brother haven't had a bottle since before lunchtime and that's a long time for a baby to go without. It's all my fault.

"Luna...drink." I myself was never breastfed. So the idea of babies suckling at your tits seems fucked up. Though, I do have a newfound respect to those other mothers but...the bottle is the way to go.

"Please." I beg, even though she cannot understand me.

That's when Luna somehow manages to...latch...onto me. Oh god it hurts. I don't think there's nothing happening. I mean I obviously feel her...but that's it.

This is uncomfortable. I fucking hate this so much. "Or maybe not-ow" I cut myself off as there's this sharp sting. In confusion I look down to see her...oh my god.

She's drinking!

"Oh my god!" I loudly laugh. With my free hand I put my hand over my face. I'm so relieved that she won't go hungry. Of course it fucking hurts...but my body is doing something right! I don't even know how we're doing this, but I'm just gonna leave her to it while I bare every second.

Then Lynx next.

"Good girl, Luna." I'm so proud of her.

I don't even know if we're doing this the right way...but she seems to be enjoying it. I hold her as still as possible. There's a point where it hurts so much that I want to pull her away, but I know she needs it.

So I do nothing.

Another minute or two later Luna awkwardly turns her head away. "Oh god. No. Shit!" Why isn't it stopping?
Discomforted by her dinner going everywhere on her she squirms. "Ew...ew god. Stop. Aw baby." Luna looks disgusted. Her little pink onesie is completely wet. I yank my grey tank vest up over my boob as soon as I hear the front door open.

"Babe?" Not now, Dan.

The man of the fucking hour waltz's into the living room and stops as he sees not only me holding our daughter above my head like Simbia the fucking lion. But with my tit leaking.

"Are you okay?" That's then I burst out into a sudden cry...and I don't know why I'm crying. Barely a minute ago I felt like the world's best mom.

I'm a fucking mess.

"Oh, darling..." Dan nervously laughs while he takes Luna out of my arms, he then looks down at sleeping beauty and smiles.

"What happened?" He asks while I take off my top. I don't care if Dan sees my disgusting...leaking...body.

"They was hungry and I panicked." That's when the 'leak' finally stops. I quickly put a towel, that was hanging up to dry, around me.

I now wish Dan never saw my body like that. Not just with the leaking. I need to loose weight and shit. I need to be the perfect Instagram model again. It's what made Dan fall in love with me in the first place.

"You take a bath okay? I'll get her cleaned up and him fed." I nod my head while Dan takes Luna's onesie off carefully.

"I should do that" - I whisper feeling bad for ruining his evening - "you should go back to the cinema with your friends." I don't want to deprive Dan of a social life.

"No...it's fine. I was missing you three anyway." I gratefully smile.

As I go out of the room, mimicking the Game of Thrones walk of shame, I see two Tesco bags filled to the brim with baby formulas.

Oh Dan...

I guess I'll keep feeding Luna and Lynx the baby formula...it's much easier and less messy.