Million Pieces °Bastille Dan°

Awkward Pillow Talk

Things between me and Dan are still awkward.

I mean it's no shit! Dan got two teenage girls to promote his single, that's kind of fucked up considering it's my job. I guess that's why I've taken that thing so badly...I forgot to tell the others about the single. But what's done is done now.

However, nearly the majority of tonight me and Dan have been...play pretending of sorts. Dan wrapping his arm around my waist, or me nearly sitting on top of him while we laugh over light booze and coffee. He even kissed me on the lips although I quickly pulled away, I don't think Gi and Ari noticed.

"How long are they staying for?" Dan asks while taking his top off. I shrug my shoulders backwards while turning on the kids 'nanny camera' and individually turning. Them towards my side of the bed so I can watch them dream. We don't have a baby or anything, but it makes me feel closer to them. Knowing that they're okay...and not laying awake for me or Dan to come in.

"They want to stay here for a long time..." I would go to the great extent and say that they want to live here.

"He's fifty fucking one. Why can't he buy a new house? It's not like he can't fucking afford to." I shrug. It's all I can do in answer of Dan's question.

"He's depressed. He doesn't want to be a mamma's boy and he knows that we have a huge house. He can't...fend for himself, he's like you. You need people around you all the fucking time." I don't know if I can cope with two Dan's around the house. I'm still struggling with just the one.

"But what about our plans for a big family?" Dan still remembers that conversation? My god.

I'm not sure even if I want more kids. I feel gross and old. The hilarity out of feeling gross and old is that...sure I'm gross...but I'm not even in my mid twenties yet. I'm nowhere near old.

Somehow, I still have room to grow.

"We have so many other spare rooms. I don't even want to think about having more yet." With that Dan laughs. He sounds kind of offended.

I know he wants more kids, and it is much easier for him to decide that. But I'm the one who is having to give myself a prep talk every single day that I'm not a bad mother. I never knew that so many people judge you for your parenting techniques...even Dan makes me feel belittled with his knowledge.

"My brother needs me. He maybe smiling but I know that he is hurting. He has been since that cunt committed suicide." She cheated on him with several close friends, then left him...and then decided that because the party was over so was her life. To make matters worse Gi hunted down her new address and found her with a smile on her face.

A smile.

No wonder why he...has issues. Armani was a newborn baby when it happened...I wasn't even born. "I know. And I really do find it terrific that you want to help him...but we need our own space."

"My entire family matters to me Dan. If you love me, then you'll support my decision and let them live with us. Like Gi said, he'll help with the kids." I need help. And it's not the type of thing I want to admit to Dan...who already looks down upon me.

"And your fucking nephew? Is he going to live with us?" I nod my head.

"Ari is chill. He has mental health issues too, so all three of you can sit around the pool and talk about your insecurities." I don't mean to make light on such a dark topic...but my head space right now is on a overload.

"I never knew that when I married you...I was marrying your family." But that is what marriage is.

"You made a vowel to fucking support me on whatever decision I make." Dan doesn't say anything else on that subject. Instead he remains quiet.

"Least I can leave you with them while I tour." There's not many upsides for Dan, but at least he is trying to think optimistically. I owe him that.

"Exactly." I mumble under my breath while watching the kids toss and turn in their magnificent dreams.

There's silence in this cold bed. Neither me or Dan say anything in particular. I don't mind the silence after a day like this, I can only hope that we'll wake up on the right side of the bed. I can't bare feeling like shit anymore.

But that's when I feel Dan spoon into me. I don't turn over and look at him, I remain looking at our kids on the monitor while Dan literally breathes against the back of my neck.

"I love you..."

"Sure." I whisper back before closing my eyes.

I'm not sure if he is telling the truth.