Attitude Problem

Fifty-one

Nassiah
Two days later-

I sat In my bed ripping out the next paper from the cardboard holder. "You deserve love" I mumbled as I moved to rip the unteenth strip of fanto. "He won't hurt you- if anything you'll hurt him" I muttered anger lacing through my voice- oh how I was played. I rolled my eyes as I sprinkled the weed into the paper on top of the toe and began to roll the blunt. "Let a whole nigga turn you out for what" I added my eyes roaming the messy room as I toasted the blunt to dry it. The broken mirrors which gave me a few decades of bad luck- the glass shards remained around them as if the bad luck wasn't enough. I ran out of dark liquor the other night so I was sipping on whatever liquor I had in the house like water and smoking until I fell asleep or got tired of it. That bitch ass nigga left me-

Realistically I should've seen it coming, we had nothing in common. I was going nowhere and he didn't know where he was going but could do anything under the sun. I had no business getting involved in him in the first place. Truthfully I didn't, but the way boy made me feel- I hit the blunt to avoid the feelings rushing to my head. My phone was off dead somewhere not to mention the breakup didn't end well- but how could it.

"I think we are better off as friends" I never punched him harder, realistically I never punched anyone that hard. All my anger rushed through and there he was- blood trickling down his face. I jumped up to much emotions rushing through my body- all my regrets filling my head in the past months I was the only idiot. I felt him try to reach for me but I pushed away he didn't even care about the blood from his nose when he got up but I was seeing red- I was pissed.

"You trick ass bitch!" Was the first thing that flooded from my mouth "I knew I should've never fell for your faggot ass! I should've stayed the fuck away" him trying to tell me to calm down and let him explain wasn't working truthfully he should've never tried, my eyes becoming clouded and I knew why- his ass had me crying, like I was the bitch. I pushed past him to get to the door but he held onto my arm tightly- his strength beating mine.

"Nassiah can we talk about this?" He pleaded his hand went up to while my tears but I smacked it away.

"You said what you had to say- now leave me the hell alone" I argued trying to move from his grip- I was always the bitch in this relationship, his strength wasn't giving in and it became clear he was obviously stronger than me so why did he let me hit him? He let me go off all these times?

"I said what I said but can I give you a reason" he asked panicking a bit at his own words.

"Leave me the hell alone- you ain't shit, I'm not shit but you're worse! You pretend to be this nice caring person but you worse than me! Ya daddy knew what he was doing when he made you" I ranted "all this time I thought I wasn't good enough- but you a sick mother fucker! Had me sitting here thinking you gave a fuck"

"Nassiah if you'd listen"

"Had me fooled thinking I loved your stupid black ass"

"Love me?" He asked he pulled me closer to him but I just punched his chest with my free hand.

"I should've took your ass out instead of Vernon" I added between punches. The pain came fast- but the pain was behind hurt, the hurt I felt when my momma left me in the jail cell, when she picked her husband over me, when my dad stabbed me, picked my momma over me- when heaven hoe ass snitched, when she cheated- it was the betrayal of love - something I knew nothing about but wanted so bad to feel- and here was Alonso trying to explain himself to me-

"You should've" he responded "but I don't get why you won't lis-

"Shut up! Let me go, leave me alone!" I yelled my voice cracking. That's when he did, he looked at me and watched my movements like a hawk. "Can't believe I was proud of your ass"

Most things I do were impulsive, but nothing about that day was impulse. It was hurt, the words rang through my ears and I should've guessed it realistically. I took another sip of the clear liquor as it burned down my throat. I heard a knock on my door and I groaned loudly usually they went away. I just rested my head on my bed frame as I continue to smoke. Regrets. I regretted the moments I spent with him, I regretted falling in love but I regretted acting like I couldn't still get hurt the most. The knocks on the door got louder and I continue to ignore them until Marqueez voice came through the other side. I exhaled loudly stepping around the mess of my room to go get the door still smoking not wanting to loose the whole numb feeling. When I opened the door he rushed into a hug as if I was suppose to be dead.

   "I can still stay here right?" He asked before pushing past me- I raised a eyebrow nodding before he looked me up and down; his beaten up face now visible under his hood.

"What's wrong with you?" We said in unison both eyeing each other carefully.

    "I came out to my dad" he said a weak smile I saw he was fighting back tears I exhaled moving the blunt from my lips and offering it to him surprisingly he took it- inhaling then coughing loudly as the smoke came out his nose and mouth.the scene in front of me made my mood rise  a bit- stupid ass.

   "Nobody knew where you was I thought you left" Mac started I could tell he was trying to shift the attention on me so I let him- I could kill Keem later.

   "Nobody? Or Alonso" his name sounded foreign but realistically it was my voice how it cracked over it.

      "He was worried, I was gonna stay with him because you weren't answering my calls but I wanted to be here for you" he responded his eyes full of pity. I wanted to get angry but I was exhausted so I just let out a small chuckle trying to push past the feelings.

    "Y-Yeah it's whatever" I added nodding at my own words. "I loved him but it's whatever" I added more for myself to here so I could believe it but hearing the words out loud made it worse.

   "Are you? Oh shit come here Nas" he said pulling me into a tight hug-

..................

-yk my baby nas got some abandonment  issues. If you ain't come to that conclusion I just told you that. Now go think about all the times he felt some type of way-

-this book really almost over 😂