You Don't Know..What you Don't Know

Chapter Forty: Spring- Sophomore Year

Tossing and turning all night stressing over the meeting tomorrow with Randy, I am sleep deprived and cranky. I couldn't focus on my date with Jarrod. We had a fun time at Dave and Busters but he's not my speed either. I am a little scared and excited to see how today plays out. I know I have issues.  When I wake, I procrastinate to drive Randy crazy. It is mid-afternoon before I text him.

"On my way."- Tia
"I've been waiting all day"-Randy
"Don't start or I won't come."- Tia
"Sorry..sorry"- Randy
"Be there in a few."- Tia

Pulling up into the parking lot, I could not shake the dread I am feeling. I thought I moved past all this. My hope is that I can stand my ground and walk away. The definition of insanity is trying something over and over. Randy has drove me insane. The sex was great but should I want great sex at sixteen. I should want great dates and a kind loving attentive boyfriend. True that was Phillip but I blew it.  Randy answers the door before I knock. He takes my hand and ushers me upstairs. Here we go. Always trying to control me. Once in his room, I sit on the chair. Afraid the bed might take us back a notch. He comes over to sit in front of me.

"How are you?" he fidgets with his hands.

"I am perfect. You." I respond. Pleasantries for five minutes really? "If this is how you want to spend your minutes, we could have texted."

"No..No..I am trying to think of what to say. I had it all worked out and now that you are here, I am tongue tied." He runs his fingers through his hair.

I sit and wait for him to continue. I have nothing more to add to my stair speech. Nothing more to add to our relationship. Randy sighs, "Tia, I was brought up in a home you could not imagine. My father drank. My mother cheated. They hate me and my sister. I would fall asleep to my mom and a guy every night. Sex to me, meant nothing. It was a means to an end until you." He let out a breathe and continues. "For as innocent as you are. You rocked the foundation of my world. You knew all the right buttons to push my passion past the limit. That night, I needed you so bad I went over the edge. I lost it. I know, I scared you. I scared myself. My need for you scared me. When you pulled back, I thought great. I will move on because this girl could destroy me. I tried. I tried so damn hard. I got really drunk and brought Natalie to my bed and still couldn't do anything with her. I felt bad so I let her sleep with me. I was drunk and passed out, ask anyone. You know Justin will tell you if he heard anything. Then after, I thought, good she hates me. I can leave her alone. I left you alone. Seeing you yesterday, hit me like a ton of bricks. Then you with a guy. It consumed me. Every thought has been you. You are my life, my love, my everything. The moments with you are the best of my life." He looks so vulnerable.

"I know all this Randy and I understand. I still am not ready for what you want. I am to young to consume someone. I am too new at all this to tame someone. I want to be young. I want to go to Homecoming. I want to go to Prom. I am a sophomore. I want to be a kid. You are in a different stage in your life. I can't be your everything at 16. Our sex was too much. I let it get carried away. I should be fumbling around with a boy who has no idea what to do; not a man with your experience. Torri and I had sex, Randy. I was with Phillip and not you. I know this is going to hurt you but I loved Torri first. I wanted to lose my virginity to him. I gave him that gift not to hurt you, but because he was the one it should have been with. He was my safe place. I am sorry but you have never been a safe place for me. That's not necessarily bad, its just the truth." I say. I am not crying this time. I feel resolute. Stronger.

"Tia, I don't want to be safe for you. I want to keep you. You are so different from any girl I have ever met. You don't play the games they play. You command attention instead of giving it. You can walk away and not look back. You are so strong you can stand on your own without me without anyone. I am playing the girl in this relationship and I hate it. I want to show you the man. I understand you want kid stuff. I am not a kid anymore and don't think I ever was. But I need you. I will do anything for you. Tell me what you need and I will be that person. Give me a chance." Randy is crying now silently.