Words of the heart

93 - heart out.

a u t h o r s n o t e

this is not a regular piece of poetry, far from it.

although i do not have a strict structure when writing my poetry, i still try to keep somewhat of a pattern within each chapter.

this will not be along any of these
lines for the most part,

this is simply almost a venting chapter,
this is me trying to put things i am struggling with into words, just flat out.

so feel free to skip to the next one,
and i apologize for this long and pointless note,,

but continuing,
enjoy my heart pour out.

• • •

there are simply no words to describe the emotions i am feeling constantly; i could use words like frustrated, angry, devastated and so on. but this does not do it much justice.. you see, i have been feeling these emotions in such extremes and such strange blends that i do not believe it could be described as such anymore honestly.

i feel myself slipping away and slipping back into my old and horrible habits, only this time they are not intentional and i desperately want it to stop,
only i do not know how..

the joy found in causing myself physical pain,
i guess as some sort of coping,
because i cannot heal the emotional and mental,
but at least i can heal the physical.

and at least with the physical,
they cannot tell me it isn't there or i am lying.
i find comfort in this.

the almost complete loss of hunger
i already never eat enough as it is but now,
it is slowly becoming close to nothing
at all as the days go by,

but still they'll say i eat like a glutton,
even though i haven't ate
a single thing
thus far.

most concerning of all,
i almost crave to hurt someone
both physically and emotionally.

i never do because i am too cautious of such things,
and far too caring towards others.

but i fear i am starting to lose that too,
i am noticing a huge lack of
empathy and emotions in general, quite unlike me.

i fear that all this progress i have made over the years will be undone before i can even realize..

it will all be for nothing..

i will lose it all..

• • •

all i ever seem to do is annoy and cause issues
for all surrounding me,

despite me only ever trying to help..

i feel as if i am just a genuine waste of space;
almost like i am always trying to
pick of the broken glass
but i get myself hurt and end up tripping
and the glass flies and hurts
the person who i was trying to help clean it for..

i genuinely just can never do things right..

i pile all my problems on others but can never
help others in their time of need..

i ruin everything i come into contact with
and seem to cause chaos and fights
everywhere i go..

i am a bad luck charm that tries to be
good for others,

but i can only provide bad..

• • •

this lack of trust is getting to me..

i haven't done anything to cause said
lack of trust in any form,

but it still always lingers.

first you impale me with the knife
when you accuse me of lying about all the
psychological issues i've been
struggling with,
alone,
for many years.

then you start twisting when you start accusing me of lying about my intentions and plans,
on multiple occasions..

trying to nit-pick and find something
to get mad at me for,

anything,

yet you get nothing,
because i am being nothing but truthful.

it is truly unfair,
but that doesn't mean it won't continue..

• • •

this pain is becoming almost unbearable..

the mental pain is unfathomable
but the physical is proving to become
too much as well..

the daily sickness and headaches..

it's all happening faster than i can even process..
and that just stresses me out more.

i cannot possibly explain it,
for i do not understand it myself..

so i apologize if i use some terms
in a way that is not fitting,

for i have no other way to describe it,
and it is how i truly feel.

• • •

self hatred..

something I've struggled with for so long now,
constantly swaying and thinking
i've escaped it at last..

but then i am yanked right back down the spiral.

i hate myself more and more as these days pass by,
some of which is because of
others quite honestly,
but for the most part,

it is all on me.

in the end,
it all comes down to the way i take things,
the way i tend to take things personally,
how i assume because i'm too simply afraid to ask.

the way how i only cause havoc and
make impulsive decisions..

i constantly battle with myself,
wanting to push everyone away and take that step.

wanting to act on impulse when my feelings are hurt,
destroy my relationship and ties all together.

but i know i can't...

and i cannot seem to figure out for
which side i hate myself.

but i truly do hope it
is not what the little voice says...