Words of the heart

96 - youth.

i feel as if i was robbed of
a childhood for the most part.

now, don't get me wrong,
i didn't have it that bad in comparison.

spoiled with toys and
materialistic items as such,

but only as a distraction.

spoiling the child with toys
so you don't have to actually
pay attention to them.

begging for just ten minutes
of your time, but never getting a second glance.

facing the backlash of
situations i never understood,

for i was too young to
ever imagine such a thing,
let alone process it as my reality.

drugs, alcohol, lies, absence,
and situations that have never
been shared with a single soul..

situations i couldn't understand..

situations that i dismiss always,
because "they didn't know"
but that i suppose is false..

i suppose they did know,
but never remember.

but my youth is not over..

but i am definitely still not living it.

making poor choices because that's
the example that's been set for me all this time,

but being kept under lockdown to avoid
me having the opportunity to even
make said bad choices.

which results in something even worse,
resulting me in doing it at most given opportunity

luckily i am still smart about it,
and have the influence of someone
else keeping me in line.

but still i battle with which choice to make,

obedience or rebellion..

my youth is being wasted as i stare
mindlessly at this same boring ceiling,
with silent tears streaming down my cheeks,
praying to a God i'm not even sure i believe in truly,

praying,

to keep the small grains of sanity i've been so desperately clinging on to as they
slip through my grasp.

but, we'll put on a nice smile and give cheers to the supposive best years of our lives,

downing the burning liquid so we can forget,
inhaling that intoxicating substance
in hope we can have some fun.

cheers to our miserable youth.