" just fucking say it you coward! "
i scream at myself.
" i cannot promise to make that change, especially within the timeframe you wish .. "
i say, my voice barely above a whisper.
" it's fucking time we tell her,
tell her about all these issues and how
they're the true reason why "
my voice is rising a bit now,
but cracks with emotion halfway through.
" you can fucking end some of this pain!
its been way too long.. we cant take it much longer "
she fucking is begging me now,
the desperation is seeping through so evidently.
" you have the explanation! just fucking say it!
say it you fucking coward.. "
but i settle for a simple mumbled i don't know,
my mind disconnecting from my mouth.
" fuck.. listen to what she's saying..
she's saying you cause a lot of unnecessary stress,
you know she's right too..
this is why we are moving away,
for the both of you.. "
this peaks my interest, zoning out of the conversation at hand,
and listening to the one within.
" but maybe that won't be enough..
maybe we should do more "
no, no, no. i shut it down even though deep
within i was thinking the same
from long ago.
but she already knew that,
for i am her,
and she is me.
she is just some fucked up brave version within that's screaming at me, begging to be heard.
it's almost as if she is her own person,
disconnected from me,
only trapped within me.
maybe that's where all my emotions have fled to lately, stolen by this inner voice thing,
that will not stop nagging.
my arm goes numb for i have been leaning on it this whole conversation, but it is not the only one.
the conversation comes to a close with me being told that i am simply not doing enough at all.
ouch,
" now that one hit a trigger
and did damage now didn't it? "
the final words spoken were begs from my mother,
to get my act together and make the correct
changes as necessary,
for myself though.
but now here i sit, on the bathroom floor
as four singular tears run down
my left cheek in a stream onto a blank face.
but they stop as fast as they started,
as if a switch went off inside.
but funny,
when the emotions seem to start clawing through,
she is nowhere to be found,
her comfort would've been appreciated.
but if i cannot do it for myself,
how could she?
YOU ARE READING
Words of the heart
Poesiafor anyone who has ever felt alone or doubtful about themselves, for the sad people who find comfort in poetry, for those who cannot seem to put their...
