Force connections

Something else

"You're just a child in a mask!" I couldn't get that out of my head. When the Supreme Leader had said those words to me it had felt as though he had driven a knife into my stomach. Even now, days later I felt it, like a dark shadow hanging over me. He was disappointed in me, after everything I had done. I was disappointed in myself too.

At night my sleep was plagued with nightmares. Visions of my father. Sometimes in the dream he would be as I remembered him when I was younger and I would see him embrace my mother as he left us again. I would watch my mother crying, the pain etched on her face and then she would turn to me and call my name. I would look down at myself then and realise that I was just a little boy but in my hand was my red lightsaber. I would run at my father, rage escaping my mouth by way of a war cry and I would drive the saber into him. My mother would look first at my father and then at me and would scream at me to go away, to leave them in peace, to take my evil heart someplace else. I would start crying in the dream, throwing down the saber and grabbing at my mothers dress, begging her not to send me away and then she would turn and it would no longer be my mother looking at me but Snoke, his mouth turned up in a sneer. I would wake sweating, my hair plastered to my face, little rivers of water running down my bare chest, my breathing heavy and tears in my eyes.

After Snoke had made me feel so small in his throne room I had taken my Tie Silencer and headed out with the other Tie Fighters, desperate to prove myself. But my mother had been there, I had felt it immediately and suddenly all of my nightmares came flooding back to me. The feeling of rejection, of not being good enough and in that moment my finger had hovered over the trigger, but then I had heard her voice in my head "Ben?" She had whispered and I had stopped, frozen in that moment, unable to fire at her, my heart aching, hot tears springing into my eyes. My mother, the one who had held me when I was a small boy crying for his father, the one who had read to me when I was sick, had kissed my head at night. I couldn't do it. I had watched with wide eyes as the two Tie fighters flanking me had opened fire, my mothers ship being engulfed in an explosion. 

Ever since then I had been almost certain that my mother was dead. Occasionally I still thought I felt her presence but it was dull, like a flame that had nearly burnt out. And so I had consigned myself to the fact that I was now totally alone in this world and as much as I tried to convince myself that I didn't care, the truth was that I did care, I was the loneliest that I had ever been, alone in a world where no one cared about me.

I had received word from Supreme Leader that I was to visit the medical area and have my face stitched up. I walked to the room, holding my head high, despite my aching heart, passing the interested eyes of stormtroopers who had never seen me without my mask before. I felt horribly self conscious without it on, I felt as though all eyes were on my face, reading the emotions that now were so clear for all to see, noticing my tired eyes, dark from sleep plagued with nightmares.

I had been in this room before, a few times for minor medical procedures following battles and most recently after my fight with the scavenger. As I sat down my mind drifted to that fight in the snowy forest. I had dispensed with the traitor with ease but she had been different. At first I could tell that she was struggling. Small gasps escaped her lips and her breathing was heavy. I found myself captivated by her, the lightsaber had gone straight to her. I could remember feeling my heart thump, excitement rising in the pit of my stomach at having found another like me. I had even offered to teach her, my eyes locking onto hers, thinking for the hundredth time how pretty she was to look at. But she had beaten me, cut me badly and then the ground had fallen away and she was gone. The hovering medical droid worked quickly on my stitches, clicking as it went. Suddenly I became aware of a low humming noise. I raised my hand and the medical droid floated away. I sat with my head cocked to one side. The hum was still there and then I turned my head and that was when I saw her.

The scavenger was sat right in front of me, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. I froze, my heart beating wildly and in that moment the scavenger reached for her blaster and fired. I felt as though someone had kicked me in the stomach, pressure radiating outwards, making me grunt. When I raised my head again, she was gone but I could still hear the hum. I pushed up from my chair and rushed out into the hall, my boots sliding in my haste. Nothing, just two officers and a mouse droid. I spun around and I saw her. She was stood now, with what looked like natural light shining down on her. My first instinct was to try to influence her mind and demand that she brought my uncle to me but she just stood impassive so I lowered my hand, swallowing my pride at my mistake. There was no way that she was doing this I thought, I knew the effort that this sort of connection required , it would have killed her. My eyes searched the haze around her. I couldn't see anything but her and for some reason I realised that I felt relief wash over me at having seen her again. Her face remained like stone, "You're going to pay for what you've done" she spat at me then, her eyes fixed on me, hate in her voice. I knew she meant what she said but I didn't want to face what I had done, not now, not now that I had a chance to speak to her again. "Can you see my surroundings? I can't see yours" I said and then before I could stop myself or think about what I was saying, I added "just you". I heard how it sounded and internally scolded myself for allowing my pleasure at seeing her again show. Suddenly I heard a noise, like the screech a metal bolt makes on a heavy door and then I saw the scavenger's head turn sharply and I knew who she was with. Hot rage rushed through my body, washing away all my emotions of seeing the scavenger again, "Luke?" I said, not knowing whether he could hear me or not. I blinked and then just as quickly as the scavenger had appeared, she had gone and I was left alone in the hallway.