You Never Said Goodbye

Gone

You've been gone for 3 years 5 months and 11 days. You told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to you and that you'd never leave me. But you did. You left me without saying goodbye; without the courtesy of breaking my heart in person. I wish I could have seen your smile just one more time. Even if it was a sympathetic pitying smile it would've been better than nothing at all. I wish I was given the chance to remember that look on your face that would tell me things are really over between us Chaeyoung-ah.

But all I have are memories of us that are bright, loving, tender and ecstatic. All I have now is hope that you would come back because you never said goodbye.

At first I was frantic; full of worry. I didn't know if you had an accident or something. You always came yo me immediately if anything was troubling you or hurting you. Chaeng, you'd let me be there for you; you wanted me to be there for you. So I went to your apartment to look for you but someone else opened the door instead of you. She said she'd just moved in that day and that the previous tenant had left the day before.

Things just didn't register. How could my chipmunk have moved out without telling me? I went everywhere in search of you. To your favorite shops and cafes, to your office, the places we hung out together. I called Joy, Yeri, Seulgi, Irene, I called everyone we knew but they didn't know where you were. You disappeared without leaving a trace.

All i could do was to wait for you at your favorite spot in the park. The spot along the river where the flowers grew. The spot where we first met.

FLASHBACK

"I'll never break your heart, I'll never make you cry.." I sang along to the Backstreet Boys song playing on my discman as I laid on the grass along the river at the park. Suddenly a soccer ball rolled towards me and bounced off my thigh. I sat up to see what had happened. And there you were. You smiled at me and I was taken aback at the warmth you exuberated. "Sorry, for disturbing you. My friends and I are just having a game over there. Um.. would you like to join us? We're 1 player short and the other team's trashing us. My name's Chaeyoung, Park Chaeyoung." You extended your hand in the hopes that i would reciprocate.

You were adorable and so earnest and I didn't have anything to do so I extended my hand to shake ypurs and said. "Lalisa Manoban, let's go play ball."

Immediately you started to jump around in excitement. You ran towards the field shouting "Yeriiiii! Joy! I found us another player!!!"

END OF FLASHBACK

I never knew someone who's skinny could have such a loud voice. I never knew I'd just met the person that could take me up so high only to leave me to crash and burn.

I went there everyday for 2 months, hoping that you'd turn up. But. . .

Chaeng-ah, did you know how much you were hurting me?

I just went crazy. The only thoughts in my head were of your betrayal, your lies and hiw much I hated myself for being this lovelorn fool who just spent her days waiting and waiting for you. I needed an escapew from you yet I knew there was no escape. I needed an escape from you yet I knew there was no escape. For over 2 years you were my everything. That night of our 3rd year anniversary you still hadn't shown up. I decided to stop going to the park to wait for you. I decided to stop open that bottle of tequila and drink myself to oblivion.

The next 12 months or so were just a haze. I downed hard liquor like it was water when I couldn't take the ache in my chest, and that was just about every other night. I spent my days either hung over or too lethargic and broken to get out of bed. Thank heavens for Seulgi, her persistent friendship was one of the reasons I didn't kill myself. She made sure I ate, she gabe me a shoulder to cry on and most importantly, she did not judge me or you. She knew how much I loved you. She knew what you'd done to me. She saw what I'd become. But she passed no judgement, she was just there.