You Never Said Goodbye

Revealed

Lisa POV

Regrets are things that weigh you down in life. They make you question your actions and your decisions. More often than not the things you really regret are the ones where people get hurt.

Till now I’m still confused as to whether I regret Chaeyoung. I suppose I regret parts of it but not the whole thing. I don’t regret knowing her, loving her, being with her. But I regret what I became because of her; because I loved her so much.

It took so much to claw out of the pit I was in. For a long time I didn’t know what to do with the feelings I still felt for her. I mean, just because she left it didn’t mean my feelings left too, it drove me to do things I shouldn’t have. I am stronger now than I was back then; more damaged and jaded but definitely stronger. Still I must admit that everything I am today, everything I have today is because of the efforts I made to recover and the friends that stood by my side to pick me up when I couldn’t. A big part of the credit also goes to Jennie. She makes the hurt less painful. She makes life less crazy. She puts me into perspective.

There is life and love after Chaeyoung.

Why am I talking about regrets? Its because I’m still trying to figure out what to do with Chaeyoung and Jennie.

Its been a fantastic day with Jennie. I haven’t had a day like this since before Chaeyoung left. After watching the sunset, Jennie and I went for dinner at one of the cafes. It wasn’t romantic with candle lights and music. Still it was just me and her, spending time together talking about nothing and everything. After that we had a stroll along the beach where we held hands and just was. We were happy. There were moments of silence but they were comfortable and not strained. I found us a place at the jetty to sit at and there we just held each other and kissed. Beneath the stars and with the sea before us, we were at peace. I tried to keep Chaeyoung from my mind because I wanted to be present with Jennie.

Back at the hotel we made love over and over again. Jennie lets me take control because I like it. But this time I let her. I let her love me. Its not as difficult as I made it out to be. Jennie makes it easy to not have to be the strong one, with her I don’t have to keep giving, with her I’m not ashamed to take because she takes care of me.

Now lying in bed, she’s sleeping beside me and I can no longer keep my thoughts at bay. I have to admit that a part of me wants us to stay like this forever because this is not complicated. When she asked me if we could go on trips like this more often, I didn’t know what to tell her because I didn’t know if it would happen. There’s a part of me that wants that, but another part of me still wants Chaeyoung to be the one in my arms now instead of Jennie.

I don’t know how I’m going to tell her that Chaeyoung’s back. I get out of bed careful not to wake Jennie and head to the balcony for a smoke. I haven’t had one the whole day because I don’t like to smoke in front of her. But I need one now. With all these thought in my head I need one now. I try to not think. I try to stone and numb myself a little bit. But its getting overwhelming.

Today with Jennie made it even clearer that she’s my match; that she loves me; that she would never leave me and that I have fallen that little bit more in love with her.

Suddenly I hear the balcony door slide open and I know Jennie’s here. She comes over to sit next to me and silence reigns for a while. This time its not comfortable, this time I just want to run. But I don’t because she deserves better from me.

‘Lili… do you have anything to tell me?’ I look over and I can see the fear in her eyes. How does she know me so well? I remain silent and just stare out into the pre-dawn sky. She reaches over and wipes my tears with her hands. I didn’t know that I’d started to cry. I guess as with my thoughts, I can’t keep my emotions at bay.

She looks like a scared little girl but I can also see her concern for me. I have to tell her.

‘Jennie……. Chaeyoung’s back.’