You Never Said Goodbye

Time out

Lisa POV

Its been 2 month since I left; 2 month since I’ve talked to or seen Jennie or Chaeyoung. It was difficult to bear in the beginning but now it’s starting to get clearer. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection. There are parts of me that I don’t like but I’m also happy that I’m handling this better than I would have even a year ago. I’ve grown and matured. I’m not the 21 year old who depends on alcohol and cigarettes to get me through a tough day anymore.

I’m getting through life day by day. Being out of Seoul and in Jeonrado, Jeonju helps. At least I’m not surrounded by memories. I’m home now; a place without any trace of Jennie nor Chaeyoung. I’m not at my happiest but I am doing ok. It feels good to know that I don’t need to depend on anyone else to be happy anymore.

I used to depend on Chaeyoung to brighten up my day and to give my life meaning. Then I depended on Jennie to do the same for me. I realise now that I am the master of my own life and my own happiness. It would be unreasonable to blame others for my failings and insecurities. It would be unreasonable for me to burden others with my needs. I think that’s one of the reasons why I was so messed up with having to decide. I was choosing based on who made me happier, who made me feel more loved, who left, who stayed, whats right and what’s wrong. But the question should be, who do I want to spend the rest of my life making happy? I don’t know the answer yet.

I was so confused and messed up in the beginning. I felt so much pressure, guilt and heartache that I did stupid things to help me decide. The was the plucking flowers petals method, the throwing to dice method (even meant Chaeyoung, odd was for Jennie). I even resorted to writing a list of pros and cons for Jennie and Chaeyoung so that it could help me decide. I spent 3 days on that list till I just threw it out because I realised that if I decided based on a list or even on luck, I’d never be really happy with my decision.

Instead I started to think about my personal issues. I admit, I’m a smoker, I have abandonment issues, I’m an escapist, I’m insecure etc. being with either of these girls won’t solve my issues, I have to. I started to think about why I wanted to be with Chaeyoung and Jennie. Did I even want to be with either of them?

The long walks alone in the parks surrounded by nature’s beauty made me open my eyes to see that there’s more to life then me and my emotional crisis. I made this whole situation feel so claustrophobic; I made it suffocating for me and most of all for Jennie. She was right. Her life would go on without me. But go on to what? To whom? I spent hours on the park bench contemplating these questions.

Being alone to sort this out has been a good experience. I needed to step out of the situation to see things in perspective. Sure, relationships should be about following your heart and not thinking too much. But I did do that, with both Jennie and Chaeyoung. Both times it lead to the bed. I need to stop pouncing on people whenever I feel compelled to. I guess it’s a problem of control. I have so much of it that things just build up inside and eventually explode on me, leaving a massacre of emotions behind afterwards. I need to figure a way to let things out and not repress them.

But back in Seoul, there was too much noise and distraction, in my head and in my heart. There was no way I could have figured anything out. I was feeling too much. Being here I realize that when you don’t know what your heart wants, it’s good to try to be rational. Its good to take the time to look inside to slowly pick apart and sort out what happened, what I feel and what I want.

Today I’ve finished early with my freelance copywriting work early. And its my turn to prepare dinner. It’s the least I can do for intruding on her life and crashing at her place. She’s a friend from school that I’ve kept in touch with over the years. Her innocence has always been refreshing to me and so I used to hang out with her after school. I helped her with homework. Since she’s not close to anyone else involved in this mess that is my love life, I asked her if I could crash at her place. Her job as a piano teacher has its perks for me because hearing her on the piano every night has helped to ease my soul. When her boyfriend is over it’s even better because he plays the guitar. We spend some nights having our own jamming sessions.

The door opens and I know she’s back. ‘Hi Seungwan, dinner will be ready in about 15mins.’