You Never Said Goodbye

Turmoil

Lisa POV

'I need some time alone. I'll come look for you when I have an answer.

With love,
Lisa.'

I hold up the note in the dark to trying to make out the words, to read them out to myself. I know I'm being irresponsible just leaving Chaeyoung like this. But I don't think I can take the awkwardness of actually verbalising things; of facing her when daylight intrudes. I know I need to get back home to Jennie. I want to. I need to. I just want to get out of the apartment and clear my thoughts. I know she's awake, I know she's pretending to be asleep so I suppose she knows its for the better.

All those things I just told her. They are true. I don't think I've been more honest to myself or anyone else about my thoughts and feelings than just now. Maybe because its Chaeyoung. I've always been able to tell her anything. It helps that she's pretending to sleep. I don't think I could tell her those things if she were looking at me. But at least she knows.

I stand up to walk toward her room door trying to make as little noise as possible just so that we can keep up this façade of her being asleep. As my hand grips the doorknob I glance towards her still figure and mouth the words 'Goodbye Chipmunk' before I open the door and step out.

I hurriedly grab my things and open the main door. That's when I see her. She's sitting on the floor with a couple of beer bottles around her. Has she been out here the whole time? I hesitate to say something but I don't know what, so I walk on.

'Lalisa Manoban' I hear her call my name out in a whisper. 'is it settled?'

'No, its not. But what's it to you.. this is none of your business.' I reply.

'Anything to do with Chaeyoung is my business..' she glares at me murderously and I know that she means it. But I am not in the mood right now to deal with this. This night as taken a toll on me. My mind and my heart is still trying to process everything that has happened. And now this person is trying to bully me into making a choice. I don't have any answers and I need to get home.

'look, Jisoo right? I know this doesn't look good.. me leaving while the sun isn't up yet. But I've got things to deal with. I need to get back home. She's gonna leave if I don't.. Jennie's waiting.. Trust me when I say that I'm not trying to hurt Chaeyoung. I just need to get home ok.' I say.

'You just spent the night with Chaeng and you're going back home to Jennie? You haven't broken up with your girlfriend?!? Lalisa you're a Lowlife.' With that she gets up and delivers a right hook which slams straight into my jaw.

'Ouch! Argh! What in the World.. ' I reach out to grab my jaw and I squat down to lean against to wall, trying to sooth the intense pain that I feel. I desperately want to get back up and hit her back but I can't. I'm in too much pain.

'That was to knock some sense into you. Don't you dare come close to or talk to Chaeng until you wake up your ideas and behave with some consideration. I did not send you to her arms to have you screw up and mess with her heart again. You should know better since you obviously haven't broken up with Jennie. From all the things Chaeng's told me about you, I thought you were better than that.' She gives me a look of pure disdain and then she walks into the apartment and shuts the door on me.

I slowly get up still holding on to my jaw. I know its already bruising. Jisoo's words are still ringing in my head. Its true.. what exactly was I doing? i make my way to the McDonalds nearest my apartment to get breakfast. Its not the best I can do but right now I can't deal with the idea of cooking breakfast.

The whole time events from the previous night play and replay in my head.

Accidentally burning Jennie with my cigarette, watching Chaeyoung sing, all the words Jennie said,

"...Lisa just because you're here with me in this apartment doesn't mean you've decided. You haven't, not at all. If you had you wouldn't have been treating me the way you have been..."

"..I want to tell you to pick me, to choose me, to love me but I don't want you to decide based on what I want. You have to choose. You're free to make whatever choice you want..."

'If you're not back for breakfast tomorrow I'm leaving.'

Kissing Chaeyoung. Accidentally saying "Nini" while we were about to make love, talking to Chaeyoung, holding Chaeyoung, telling Chaeyoung my thoughts and feelings and then getting punched by Jisoo.

I walk with my head bowed low, my arms dangling by my side, holding the bags that's packed with food. I can't help but feel an intense burden. The weight of Chaeyoung's and Jennie's love is too much to carry, too much to bear.

I hate my life right now. I hate myself even more. How did all this happen? Is it my fault? I tried so hard to do the right thing but I just end up screwing things up.

With Chaeyoung, she brings fireworks into my life. I felt sparkles inside when I was with her. She made me feel an intensity of happiness that I've never felt. That was years ago, before she left. But last night taught me that the sparkles are still there.

Kissing her again I felt like I was in a time warp where we were still 21, like nothing had changed. I had missed her so much. I just stopped thinking and started feeling and reacting.

When her hand slipped down to rest on my behind and I called out for Jennie. I shocked even myself. I didn't expect myself to. I was with Chaeyoung darn it! The one person I'd pinned and waited for for 4 years and I... I could see the hurt and confusion in Chaeyoung's eyes. Why couldn't I just forget about Jennie?

I guess it made me see just how much of my heart and body belongs to Jennie. I never even realised it. With her I don't have the fireworks, there isn't much sparkles. But she completes me.

She knows me better than I know myself. She makes me feel whole. With her I'm happy, not the extacsy I feel when I'm with Chaeyoung but it's a warm abiding lasting warmth and joy.

They both make me feel so loved but in such different ways..

As I stand outside my apartment block, the sun is beginning to rise and I feel the cold morning breeze sweep past me. How I wish the wind could take my worries, my love, my problems away from me. I raise my hands to let the wind envelope me and take me with it but as it passes I remain.

I want to go into my house but I just sit on the curb at the roadside instead. Trying to muster the courage to face up to my actions. I know Jennie is up there and that she's worried to death. I know I did something unforgivable by leaving, even if she did give me the choice to go to Chaeyoung. I know I almost cheated on her and I would've if not for the fact that I said her name. I know I've failed horribly as a girlfriend. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her love, not one bit of it.

But I don't think I can let her go. As messed up as everything is I can't let her go. I'm being a selfish jerk but I can't let her go.

'Lalisa Manoban you babo' I say as I run my hands through my hair. Still trying to figure out what my next move should be.

(A/N: thoughts about the story so far? Jenlisa? Chaelisa? Comments or PM would be great. Till the next update)