You Never Said Goodbye

Confrontations

Chaeyoung POV

I was early. 30 minutes early and I’ve been waiting at Starbucks for her. She’s late. She was never late to meet me. In fact she was the one who was always early back then. I guess things have changed. Meeting me is no longer a priority. Its these small changes that add on to the hurt of her moving on. It reminds me that she’s no longer mine. But again, I know I deserve it. Still I can’t seem to kill the hope that we could be more again..

I’ve been nervous ever since she called me 2 days ago to arrange this. Even though I’d been thinking of what to say to her even before I left America I still haven’t worked it out. There are so many ways to state the truth. I stare at my coffee lost in my own thoughts. Suddenly.

‘Chaeyoung’

I look up and there she is.. sitting across from me. I’ve dreamed of this moment. I want to hug her, to kiss her, to tell her that I love her. I want to do so many things all at once but I can’t. I read her body language and I can’t. She’s leaned back on her chair putting more distance between us. She has her arms crossed and I can see the tension in her posture. It isn’t the most welcoming sight. I unconciously grip the edge of my seat so tightly I know my knuckles are turning white.

‘I’m going to get a drink, do you want anything else?’ she asks are thoughtful as ever even though I sense the hesitation in her voice.

She is however refusing to look at me much less look me in the eye. And I’m crushed again. Its more evident than ever how much I hurt her. She was never like this. She was always strong and bold, adorable and loving.

‘No thanks, I’m fine’

She heads off and knowing her as I do she’s probably is sorting out her thoughts and feelings. She’s trying to figure out how she’s holding up after seeing me again. She’s checking on the status of her injuries. I’ve seen her act this way in many situations when we were together. She always wanted to deal with things on her own before talking to anyone. Some things never change I suppose. I’m glad.

You come back with a coffee and resume you position across from me. And still you refuse to look at me. Do I scare you that much Lisa? Do you hate me that much?

I know I have to start this conversation because you’re not going to. You’ve retreated into your own world. Your defenses are up and I understand you’re trying to protect yourself.

‘How have you been?’ I ask.

You take a deep breath and finally you look at me and your words are like a knife cutting into my heart. ‘I’m with Jennie now’.

I understand that you want to make it clear to me that things have changed and that you’re not mine anymore. It hurts but I smile anyway. ‘I know, I heard. Joy told me.’ And then there’s silence. It gets really awkward.

‘Why are you back?’ you ask hesitantly. I don’t want to answer that directly because I know you don’t want to hear than I’m back for you. And I don’t want to scare you away as well.

‘Lis, I know its not enough to say that I’m sorry but I am.’ You want to say something and I stop you. ‘just hear me out first alright? I’ll let you rant at me once I’m done.’ You nod and I take a deep breath to steady myself. I don’t want to say the wrong words. I just want to explain myself. Even if she doesn’t understand I need to explain myself.

‘I left to pursue a singing career in America. I was spotted by a small American talent agency while I was at a shopping centre in Seoul. He called me in for an audition at their Korean office. I went and he offered me the opportunity to be trained in America. He said that my singing career would probably start small but if it turned out well I could become a real artist. I never told you before that I wanted to be a singer. I never felt comfortable telling you about my dream. I never felt confident enough to sing to you..’