You Never Said Goodbye

And Then the Morning Comes

Lisa POV

'I need you to proclaim it. Stand up for our love Lisa-yah. I don't want our love to be hidden. I love you too.'

'Nini..' I feel around the bed with my hands certain that Jennie is still in the room. How could she not when I still hear her voice; I still feel her presence. But I feel nothing but cold empty sheets. I don't have to open my eyes to know that she's gone.

I curl up into a ball and bury my face in my pillow to muffle the sounds of my pain choked sobs. My chest burned, my heart felt constricted. All I could do was to cry out in pain for the loss and emptiness I felt.

She was here hours ago and now I'm alone again.. 'Nini.. come back.. come back..' I cry. I place my fist into my mouth and bite down because the pillow just isn't effective enough; because I just want to cause a little bit of physical pain to reflect the anguish and desolation inside.

I finally open my eyes and through the blurriness I see the empty room cast in daylight's morning glow.

I though I would be ok this morning if she left because I had at least spent more time with her last night. I thought there would be a chance that she might have actually stayed. But I'm not ok and she didn't stay. All of a sudden I start coughing uncontrollably. But I do feel better than I have compared to the last 2 days. Jennie's presence and having her take care of me obviously helped.

As I continue coughing I see a glass of water by the bed and I immediately grab it and drain the glass which helps to sooth my throat and soon I stop. It is then that I notice the medication placed next to where the glass of water was. It was all prepared and layed out. Jennie must have done this but what does it mean?

I get up out of bed and drag my weary feet to the bathroom to wash up. My reflection in the mirror is ghastly ,but I'm too sick and too tired and too broken to care. As I brush my teeth I continue to contemplate the reason behind the medication. It has to be Jennie who prepared it. There is no one else who would have. Even if it was Seulgi and Irene, they would've made a lot of noise while in the apartment or they would have at the very least left a note. It has to be Jennie.

She didn't say goodbye last night. Just like when Chaeyoung left. It was cold and lonely and desolate. But unlike when Chaeyoung left me all those years ago, this time with Jennie there's hope. I know she isn't gone for good. I know there's hope.

She's still taking care of me. She still loves me. She thanked me for what I've been doing. She said she knows I love her. She said all that last night. But she also said that she didn't want to.

How do I make her want to love me? What exactly am I missing here? What is the missing piece?

I wipe my face with a warm washcloth before surveying my red and puffy eyes again. I look like hell. I feel like hell. Time to get another day of medical leave from the doctors.

As I leave the house I try to recall everything that happened last night. I try to remember every word that was said but it is all hazy. Like a long forgotten fantasy. Still I feel it in my bones that the things Jennie said last night hold the answer. I know that she told me what I needed to do. I can't explain it because I can't remember her saying anything like that to me.

Automatically my hand reaches up to scratch my head.

'Goodbye Honey. Have a good day at work! I love you!' a young wife waves as she shouts to her husband from what seems to be their house across the road. I observe the scene before me. He turns back to look at his wife and waves, the wide grin on his face reflecting the joy within. If only Jennie and I could be like that I wonder..

And it dawns on me.. like the fogginess that clouded my mind had cleared. As if I had gained some sort of enlightenment. I realize that I have never done anything like that. I have never in the course of our relationship made any sort of public proclamation. Is that it? Is that what I need to do? Is that what she is waiting for?

It makes sense somehow. It would surely go a long way to help to heal the wounds I made on Jennie's pride. She knows already that I love her. Why did I never think that she would need the whole world to know that too? I need to stop waiting for her to come to me. She had already done that last night. Now I need to go to her and tell her and everyone important to us, everyone else around that I love her and will continue to love her for all eternity.

It feels right. It feels like this is what she told me... I can hear the whispers of it echo in the recesses of my mind. I can kinda sorta remember her telling me to proclaim our love, stand up for your love. As I continue thinking about it I feel a sense of peace come upon me. I suppose I need to figure out the best way I can do this then.