You Never Said Goodbye

My Love For You.. (I'm still here)

Jennie POV

Lalisa Manoban. Who would’ve thought I would fall for someone like you. Sure you’re beautiful, intelligent, caring, adorable and absolutely wonderful. But you’re also distant, wounded and scared. There’s someone in your heart that I know will forever remain a part of you. I never wanted this for myself. I’ve always wanted to be first in my lover’s heart. But I didn’t know that in reality, as long as my lover is first in my heart, as long as my lover is by my side, it is enough for me.

Our first date was different from all the other dates I’ve been on.

They usually clamour over me; vie for my attention. But you didn’t care about that. You were intriguing. I was sceptical about going on a blind date at first. If Irene hadn’t threatened to tell everyone I was afraid of fireworks I wouldn’t have agreed to. But I couldn’t have people know my greatest weakness could I? I had an image to upkeep. So I gave in and here I am now. I love with a girl who can’t love me back.

It hurts when you get that distant look; I get paranoid that you’re thinking of her. It hurts when you unconsciously call me Chaeng. It hurts when you pull away from me with a look of guilty on your face. It hurts that you don’t love me lisa. Because I love you.

That night when I finally asked you about Chaeyoung, I thought I was ready to hear you tell me about what happened. Your eyes glazed over as you remembered your relationship with her. I could see the pain in your eyes. It was more obvious than ever that you didn’t belong to me. There were times I had to control myself so as not to cry when you were telling me your story. My heart went out to you even more and I wanted to just hold you and comfort you and love you Lisa.

You gave me a half smile and turn away from me when you finished your story. You were worried that I’d scorn you for being so pathetic. But how could I when I know just how pathetic I am when it comes to you.

I didn’t know how else to comfort you than to show you that I love you in the best way I know how. I sang to you Lisa, from the bottom of my heart I sang to you. I truly hoped you could feel my love for you and I think you did. You looked so relieved and you snuggled up in my arms like a little child seeking comfort and protection. I was satisfied Lisa. I was satisfied that you came to me. So I told you that I would wait for you. I gazed straight into your eyes and told you that I loved you and that I’d wait. I meant every word of it.

The next morning I could feel you start to finally reciprocate my feelings. I could see that you felt freer and more at ease. You weren’t so distant with me, in fact you were more present than you ever were. And I was happy. I was happier than you could imagine because I thought that we were moving on to another level in our relationship. When you kissed me goodbye, I swear I could see fireworks. I felt like a teenager who’d just had her first kiss from the person she had the hugest crush on. Leaving you there to go to work was the hardest. But I also didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of you by acting like a giggling schoolgirl so I just nodded my head and turn to walk away.

‘Honey, I’m thinking of you.’ read the sms I received from you 15mins later. Being on cloud 9 couldn’t even begin to describe how ecstatic I was. The girl I loved seemed to finally love me in return. I’d been waiting for this for months and now it felt like my patience was paying off.

In the office Irene was asking me bout us. Sure, we have conversations bout her and Seulgi, me and you. But this time something felt off. She seemed worried for some reason but I didn’t want to probe, I was way too happy to be bothered with how Irene felt bout you and I. We had a fantastic night and I knew that we were good, we were better than good.

Work was draining since I was rushing the deadline for a project submission but the thought of seeing you after work kept me going. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw you at your office lobby. You looked so cute as you grinned at me. But as I hugged you I could smell the cigarette smoke from your clothes, it was stronger than usual. I knew something was up but I didn’t know what.

You kept brushing it off though. You kept avoiding the subject by telling me that it was a bad day. I didn’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me since you tell me everyday how work was.

Something was wrong. I thought we were closer now. I thought you were finally letting me into your heart. Why did it feel like I was encountering another wall? Why did you feel so much more distant? I wanted to yell at you; to throw a tantrum. If you were anyone else I probably would have, but as always the fear of losing you won so I kept it in. You didn’t notice the pain in my eyes. You didn’t notice my defeated posture. Lisa, you didn’t notice me. It was worse than when we first met. It took all of me to hold back the tears and put on a front for you.

I tried to pull you in again during bed time. I felt you start to give in but you pulled back. I was doing all the things you liked but you pulled back. Then I saw that guilty look on your face again. You tried to reassure me and I let you think it worked. I knew you needed your space, you always do. I appreciate that you were trying to assure me but they were just words Lisa. I need more than your words. I need your love.

I cried silent tears after you left the room. There was no way I could hold them back anymore. I didn’t understand how I could be in love with someone who brings me down so low. I didn’t want to love you anymore. It was getting to be too tiring; too draining. Being with you was so lonely. This emotional rollercoaster was taking too much out of me.

Still you said that you would be better in the morning and I was willing to give you that chance. Every little thing you say and do gives me hope that there is an ‘us’. I know deep down that unless you tell me to go, I won’t leave you. As sad and pathetic as that makes me, I won’t leave because having you love me back is the greatest gift I can imagine getting. I see how much you love Chaeyoung and I want that from you. I want you to love me till it breaks you. I want you to love me the way I love you.

I heard the door open a couple of hours later and I forced myself to stop crying. You climbed into bed with me and hugged me from the back. You placed a small kiss on my cheeks ‘Nini, I want you to be the one I want. Goodnight sweetheart.’ You said.

Again, your hug and your words gave me hope that you wouldn’t leave me because that is one of my greatest fears. I just remain still and pretend to be asleep.

You woke me up the next morning with breakfast in bed and told me you were taking me to the beach over the weekend. You were acting overly excited and you weren’t looking at me.

Because of that I knew you were putting on a show for me. My heart broke a little more with the knowledge that you couldn’t be honest with me. But I understood that you were trying and I played along. I smiled back at you, kissed you and thanked you for breakfast. I told you I couldn’t wait for the trip and started rattling on about what I would pack. You started to eat my breakfast for me as I went to wash up and get ready for the day. You looked like a kid who got caught with her hand in the cookie jar when I told you to leave my food alone. You were so adorable and stunned I couldn’t help but laugh.

The day was starting out better as you promised.