You Never Said Goodbye

Aftermath II (Stay)

Jennie POV

All at once my world is shaken. It’s like when someone slaps you, the first thing that registers is the shock. The pain, anger, sense of betrayal and humiliation come later but the shock is the one that gets you first.

‘Have you met her? Spoken to her?’

‘No.’

‘Are you going to?’

‘Only if you let me.’

‘You want my permission. You want your girlfriend to give you permission to meet your ex-girlfriend who by the way you’re still in love with…’

You look at me blankly and I feel like I’m in a losing battle.

How can I not let you meet her? I want to be selfish and tell you to never see her again. But I also know that the best chance for us is for you to find closure with her. Losing you is more tangible now than ever, especially since you were never mine to begin with.

‘Is this why you took me on this trip? To get me to give you permission? To tell me you’re going back to Chaeyoung? Lisa how could you play with me like this? I love you, is this all my love is worth in your eyes? Am I so easy to manipulate?’ I’m surprisingly calm as I say this.

I want to scream at her but I don’t want to chase her away. My love is already leaving me and I’m not gonna add fuel to the fire. I’m just waiting for everything to sink in, for the shock to wear off. Right now all I have is the knowledge of the situation, my heart has yet to feel the magnitude of things. I can’t feel anything but my tears as they fall.

You reach to hold me and I see you’re crying too. But I can’t be with you now. I can’t comfort you and tell you everything is ok because it isn’t – the love of my life is leaving me and I can’t be ok.

I get up to leave. But you grab hold of my wrist and force me to turn around to face you.

‘Nini don’t go.. please.. this trip isn’t what you think it is...’ You beg me to stay with you.

‘Save it.. I can’t… I just can’t be around you right now.’ I brush your hand off and walk away. I walk out to the beach and the emotions that I haven’t felt because of the shock; they hit me all at once and I collapse in tears. I cry my broken heart out. I cry for all the hopes and dream that I had that are now shattered. I cry for you, the one I need love from but you can’t give it. I cry for my foolishness and stupidity thinking that as long as I was by your side that you’d love me one day. I cry because it was all such a waste. I cry because my heart just got broken and I don’t think I can fix it.

I feel warmth on my skin and I realise that the sun is coming up. Just 12hours ago I was happy. I was watching the sunset in your arms. Now I’m all alone, crying on the beach. You didn’t even chase after me. I was hoping you’d chase me down and tell me the words I need to hear. “Jennie I love you.” But you didn’t come and you didn’t tell me what I want to hear. You never have.

The beach begins to fill up with people, I don’t know how long I’ve been there but I finally get up and head back to the hotel room. I have no choice, I have to get back to pack and go home.

I’ll just bear with being next to her for another couple of hours. I can do that. I’m stronger than others give me credit for. I was able to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me right? What’s another couple hours with that same person?

I know I need to cut my losses and leave. I don’t think my heart could take staying by her side as she leaves me for Chaeyoung. I need to harden my heart against her. I’m going to have to leave her first. The knowledge of that makes me cry again. I know people are staring but I don’t care. Nothing matters anymore.

Lisa will go back to Chaeyoung.

Chaeyoung, I feel plagued by her. I’ve never met or talked to her but she dictates my life. I hate her for so many things. At first I tried not to be affected by her, I was angry that she left Lisa the way she did but I was happy too, because if she didn’t, Lisa wouldn’t have been with me. But now, I realise that because Lisa had never fully let go, the 2 of them were always tied to each other and there was no room for me in the equation.

I open the room door, I’m not sure what I was expecting to see but the sight that greets me certainly isn’t one of them. Lisa’s sitting at the edge of the bed staring at me. Her eyes are puffy and bloodshot. And I see an empty bottle of wine on the floor. She looks like she’s paid a visit to emotional hell. She just stares at me and its scary and heartwrenching. She gets up and takes a step towards me. I back away. I’m scared she’ll do something to me. But she quickly closes the distance between us and hugs me so tight I can’t breath. She starts sobbing and I can’t hold back the tears as well. Being in her arms again like this, I never thought it would happen again, its tortuous; it melts me.

‘Where’d you go? Did you know how worried I was. I’m sorry. I’m not good with words. I shouldn’t have kept this from you. I’m sorry. Don’t leave me. Be with me. You left just now and it felt empty. Come back please.’

‘Lis… let go. You’re not going to choose me so let go. We’ve been together for 8 months and you’ve never said the 3 words I want to hear. Those words have always been for her. Please don’t make it harder than it already is. Please don’t make me want to stay. I won’t be able to take it when you leave, so just let me go.’ I struggle to get out of her hold but she’s too strong.

‘No. I can’t! When you walked out just now I realised that I may not feel for you the way you feel for me; the way you want me to. But you make me whole. You make me better. I want to love you, not her. So stay. Help me through this. Be with me while I settle things with Chaeyoung. Please.’

‘You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re talking about. When you sober up you’ll realise that you don’t mean what you just said. Don’t set me up for more heartache Lisa… I can’t..’

You capture my lips with yours. I can taste the cigarettes and the wine. I can feel your desperation and your need. And I can’t fight you. I melt and I give in. Just one more time, I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. Desperate and hungry we devour each other. I don’t know what I’m doing, I just know that I want her. And as much as I will regret this later I want to remember everything. I want to remember what its like to be kissing her, touching her, tasting her. I want to remember the sound of my name on her lips.

When we’re done I try to get up but you grab hold of me again and you hold me ‘I thought… Nini, I’m begging you, don’t go. However things turn out… I don’t want to leave you. I need you. ’ They may not be the 3 words I want to hear. But “I need you” is good enough. I let you back in my heart once again…

I stay.