You Never Said Goodbye

I need more time

Jennie POV

I feel its best for me to start packing my things but I can’t bring myself to. I don’t have the strength to get up off the floor and act. I’m too tired. This situation has drained me of everything.

So I just stay where I’ve been for the last couple of hours. I stay on the floor of my bedroom; catatonic. I can’t sleep. I want to be up when Lisa comes home, if she comes home. I regret sending her off; sending her to Chaeyoung. But if I didn’t things would’ve prolonged and she would have left me anyway.

I finally know how Lisa must have felt when Chaeyoung left her; horrible doesn’t even come close to describing it. I have no more tears left to cry.

I hear the door opening. Could it be? I force myself up. I force myself to get out of the bedroom to check. I could be hearing things but if she’s back… I just want to see her.

There she is, removing her shoes by the door. I run over to hug her to feel her. I confirm that she isn’t a figment of my imagination. ‘I got breakfast. Mcdonalds.’ You try to move away but I continue to hold on to you. ‘thank you for coming back Lis.’ She doesn’t say anything and I know its not over yet. She hasn’t resolved anything. She’s back home but she’s not back with me. I let her go and she goes to set the table up for breakfast. I just stand there and stare at her. I’ve never felt this tired and empty.

When she’s done she sits and starts to eat. I go to the table and take my seat opposite her. I realise that ever since she entered the door she hasn’t look at me. But I can’t help but stare at her.

As she turns her head to the left to pick up a packet of ketchup I notice the bruising on her jaw.

‘Lis what happened?’ I exclaim as I rush over to her side. I lift her chin up slightly to get a better look but she brushes my hand aside.

‘I’m ok Nini, its just some bruising.. I deserved it… I deserve much more’ she tells me.

I get up to get some ice for her. ‘we need to put some ice on it Lis. It’s swelling up pretty badly. Here, put this on your jaw. I’m going to get some ointment.’ I pass her the towel that I’ve packed with ice and I hurry off to find the medicine box to get her bruising treated. But I feel her hand holding my arm gently tugging me back.

‘its ok Nini, its ok.. pls don’t do anything more.. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you. I’m so sorry. So so very sorry.’ She tells me. I can hear that she’s trying to control her voice. She wants to cry but she’s trying to be strong as well. I know she doesn’t want to burden me by breaking down. I know she doesn’t want to make me comfort her. She’s keeping it inside again. As always she’s suffering because she won’t let it out.

‘What do you mean Lis. There’s no such thing as anyone deserving love or deserving another person. I do this because I love you not because I owe you anything. And you’re back. That’s all that matters to me. You’re back. Anything else we can talk about it another time.’ I caress her face as I look deeply into her eyes trying to assure that we can pull through this together.

She gives me a half smile but then cringes in pain because the action hurts her jaw. For some reason we both start laughing.

She’s desperately trying not to laugh cos it hurts and I just think she’s too cute sometimes.

‘Yah Nini.. stop laughing at me.. its not funny. You’re making me laugh too.. it hurts!’ she shouts.

‘Hahaha.. sorry Lis.. its just.. funny. I’ll stop laughing ok..’ I reach out to give her a hug to help sooth her. and we remain that way for awhile. I’m just happy that she didn’t leave for good. She’s still here and she’s in my arms. That’s all that matters.

‘Nini, I hate being in this situation.’ You say as you bury your head deeper into my shoulders. ‘I don’t want to choose because you both mean a lot to me. I’m sorry for how I’ve been treating you. I’m so sorry. I used to wish Chaeyoung would come back and I would have my happily ever after with her. I used to think that me and her could go back to the way we were. But I met you and I started to fall for you too. I love you Jennie. I have problems trusting her but I have no problems trusting you. Still the main problem now is me. Not you 2, it’s me. It’s the fact that I don’t know what I want and I can’t decide.’

'I was at Chaeyoung’s, we kissed but we didn’t do anything more. You wouldn’t leave my mind. We talked too, kind of.’ You pause and search for the words to say.

‘What are you trying to tell me Lis? Right now I don’t really want to hear what you did with Chaeyoung last night. I just want to know if you’re with me. I thought that since you’re back that you’ve decided but now you’re saying that you haven’t?’

‘I’m Sorry.’ She says

‘Stop apologising. I don’t want to hear your apologies. I just want to move on Lisa. I’m tired.’ I tell her

‘I’m sorry. I can’t stop apologising because I really am sorry.. Nini I can’t give you an answer. I haven’t decided. I need more time. That’s why I came back. I need more time. I can’t just let you go. I love you. Please give me time to make this decision. Don’t go. Just stay in this apartment. I’ll go and I’ll sort things out and then I’ll come back with my answer. Just until I know, don’t go.’ She pleads.

I don’t know how to react to that. She’s asking me to stay in this situation and agonise over whether she’s leaving me for a longer time. Do I want to do that to myself for the possibility of being with her? The decision is really tearing me apart right now. On the one hand I just want to leave and lick my wounds in private on the other hand I want to be with her. So the question I ask myself is whether she is worth it. Is Lalisa Manoban worth waiting for and aching over? And my answer is Yes.

‘So what’s the plan?’ I ask.

Your eyes light up. I suppose you were expecting me to leave even though you had hoped I would stay. But I can’t just let you go to Chaeyoung right? Not when I still have a chance with you.

‘I’m going to stay at a friend’s. I won’t contact you or Chaeyoung till I’ve decided. I don’t want to play any games and lead either of you on. I don’t want either of you to try to convince me. This is about what my heart tells me. I think that would be the most fair for everyone involved. Is that ok with you?’ you ask.

‘I don’t have a choice do I? If I want there to be an us, all I can do is to wait. And you’ll either tell me you love me and you want to be with me or tell me that you want Chaeyoung instead…. Don’t take too long alright? Thank you for breakfast but I can’t eat right now. I’m going to work and I expect you’ll be gone by the time I get back… Just remember that I love you Lisa. I have always loved you. I have loved you the best way I know how and that is with all my heart. I have stayed by your side while you didn’t love me and while you were hurting. I have been patient with you and I have stayed with you. But I know that if you don’t pick me life would go on; it always does. I will survive and I will meet someone else. But without you, I don’t know.. I think my heart would stop beating…. I’ll be waiting for your answer.’ With that I get up and prepare to go to work.

She’s still sitting where she was as I prepare to walk out. I hesitate to go. Should I or shouldn’t I. I give in to my impulse and go to give her one last kiss. I kiss her with all the emotions I have. As we part I cup her face gently with both my hands. I stare deeply into her eyes and sing.

“Where ever you go, whatever you do

I Will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you." (Right Here Waiting' by Richard Marx)

I hope she can feel my love for her. I give her one last kiss before I finally leave.