You Never Said Goodbye

More Than Friends

Chaeyoung POV

- 1 week later -

“Come down to the dance studio at 730” reads the message I get from Jisoo. Its now 715 and I’m standing outside the dance studio conemplating whether I should walk in. I’ve been wondering what she’s been up to. For the past 3 weeks she’s been busy with something. Almost everyday she leaves home early and gets home at around dinner time all sweaty and tired.

We haven’t talked much recently but sometimes I catch her gazing at me. In the past she’d immediately look away embarrassed if I catch her looking, but now she doesn’t hide it anymore. It feels like she has something to say.

I think I know what it is. And I know Lisa’s right about Jisoo and I. But I don’t know how to start. Its been status quo for years and I’ve turned her down so many times before. I don’t know how to start seeing her as anything other than my friend. I don’t know how to let her know that I want to try to be more than friends with her.

Letting go of Lisa was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But it was one of the best things I’ve ever done as well. It made my outlook on life and relationships change. For so long my relationship with Lisa was what kept me going. It became like an institution to me. It closed my eyes to everyone else around me. It closed my eyes to Jisoo. But now that i’ve stopped clinging onto Lisa, I can move on.

There are time when Jisoo and I are watching television at night where I find myself wanting to be closer to her. I find myself wanting to hold her hand and sometimes I want to kiss her. But I’m trying to figure out if I’m just using her as a rebound. I don’t want to do that. It won’t be fair to her.

She’s beautiful and funny and she takes great care of me. She’s always there when I need her. I depend on her way more than I admit to. She even cooks my meals for me on most days. I’d probably die of hunger if it wasn’t for her. Perhaps what people say is true; the best relationships are the ones where you date your best friend.

The reality of it is that even though I call Joy my best friend and I hold such regards for my friendships with Yeri and Lisa; Jisoo probably is my real best friend. She’s been with me for 4 years. She knows me inside out and she’s seen me pursue my dreams; she helped me pursue my dreams. She’s seen me fail over and over again and has always been there to pick me up and help dust me off.

As I reflect on our friendship I realise that I haven’t really done anything for her but she has done everything for me. Goodness!

She even flew over to Korea to take care of me. I know I’ve been the selfish one in this friendship. It seems as if I keep making that mistake. I don’t try hard enough to take care for her when I know I should. I know she doesn’t really like to share her feelings and thoughts to many people. She does talk to me, but then when I turned her down all those years ago I know I placed boundaries on us. She kinda told me less things after that.

I want to move on from Lisa. Still, some people will just always remain a part of you. I want to give Jisoo and I a chance but I don’t want to be unfair towards her either. I don’t want to use her as a rebound. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I’m still holding back on pursuing a relationship with her. if we get into a relationship I want it to work. I can’t go through another heartache again. I can’t afford to lose someone important to me again.

If I walk through this door and enter the studio will I be setting Jisoo and myself up for more heartache and anguish? Will I be endangering our friendship? Nevertheless I push open the door and walk in. I have no real excuse to not turn up and I have to admit that a part of me does want to open my heart to Jisoo.

‘Hey, you came. Er.. don’t say anything right now just sit on that chair and go with it ok? I’m gonna do something and I hope you don’t freak out. But yea… just know that I’m putting my all into this ok?’ says Jisoo.

I nod my head and walk towards the chair in the centre of the dance studio. The whole time I keep my eyes on her. She’s trying to calm her nerves by breathing deeply and I know she didn’t mean for me to, but I overhear her telling herself to chill and to trust in her abilities and in me. After hearing that my suspicions have been more or less verified. Jisoo intends to confess to me all over again. I don’t know whether to run or to stay. But I stay because I hear the start of the song.

If I walk, would you run? If I stop, would you come?
If I say you're the one, would you believe me?
If I ask you to stay, would you show me the way? Tell me what to say so you don't leave me.

She walks slowly over to me with her right hand behind her back, each step deliberate and as she reaches me she lifts her right hand to reveal a single pink rose which she offers to me. The intensity and the sincerity in her eyes as she does this amazes me and I take the offered rose.

The world is catching up to you
While you're running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe I’m not ready

Chorus
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

She moves with such fulidity and grace, such strength and control I never knew she could do this. She jumps and spins, reaches and pulls. All the time she dances around me and I have to stand from my seat to follow her.

She stops right before me and gently caresse my face in her hands. And she sings along. Jisoo doesn’t sing often, not seriously. She prefers to use her dance to express herself but now she’s singing too and her voice is beautiful. She pulls me into an embrace and we sway to the song for awhile, all the time just gazing into each other’s eyes. She took my breath away.

If I sing you a song, would you sing along Or wait till I’m gone, oh how we push and pull
If I give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful

As we reach the second chorus she removes herself from the embrace and starts jumping and twirling and spinning around the room. She’s spellbinding.

Chorus
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough
If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you're the one would you believe me

She ends with a turn and lifts her right hand as she walks over to me. Jisoo gently cups my face and gazes into my eyes. She’s steady even though she’s panting and slightly out of breath from her performance. She was fantastic. I never knew she could dance like that. I always thought she did just hip hop and all. But not this; not contemporary and modern dance. I am just in awe of her. I can’t help but be touched to the core by the efforts; by the emotions she displayed. She sang for me. And she danced for me too; she danced with everything she had. I’m speechless. I can only wait for her to say something.

‘Chaeyoung-ah’ she says, ‘I love you and I have been in love with you for years. I know you love me as a friend. Don’t get me wrong, I love being your friend. But I need more from you. I’m not asking you to accept me and be mine; not yet. I’m just asking you to give me a chance, please. Try to see me as more than a friend. Give me a chance. Please open the door to your heart so that you can eventually let me love you, let me take care of you not as a friend but as your forever. Let me.. please.. let me into your heart. You can trust me.’

I’d loved Lisa for so long I was worried I couldn’t love anyone else. And even if I could, Jisoo and I have been friends for so long that I didn’t know how to broach the subject of us anymore.

But this… her performance somehow touched me had melted away at my resistance and fears. And she’s asking me to see her in a new way. She’s not asking me to be in a relationship with her right now. So I don’t have to worry about using her as a rebound. We can take it slow and steady. She’s asking for me to try.

‘Ok’ I reply before I reach over and hug her tightly, certain that this is the beginning of another chapter in my life.