You Never Said Goodbye

Hello

Its been 8 month you came into my life. I haven’t felt this calm and collected for such a long time. Your presence sooths me, it makes me happy. To think that I was so sceptical to meet you for our first blind date. At that time I was still waiting for Chaeyounh, I was still in love with her. Sadly a part of me is still waiting for her, and even though I’m in your arms not her’s, I can’t deny the fact that I still am in love with her.

But now… now I want to love you. Now I want to be with you Jennie Kim.

You were so different from anyone I’ve known. You didn’t bother to try to impress me on our first date. In fact you were fairly distanced. But I’d expected that from my conversations with Irene about you. We talked about our interests (we both love music) and our life. Nothing too personal or too invading. Even then, on that first date, you calmed me. I didn’t feel like I had to be healed and whole to be around you. I didn’t feel like I had to be anyone else but me.

If it wasn’t for Facebook and Instagram we probably wouldn’t have kept in touch. But we did and I’m glad we did. You’ve done wonders for me Nini. For over 3 years I thought that I’d already experience the best and the worst that life had to offer. I thought that there was nothing else for me in life. But you changed that. You helped me appreciate simple things like sunshine once again.

Being with you isn’t the emotional rollercoaster that was my relationship with Chaeyoung. Being with you feels safe and grown up. Sure there are times that I wish I felt the surges of ecstasy that I felt when I was with Chaeyoung. But mostly I know that I don’t need all that anymore. I have you and the security of being with you far outweighs all of that.

Of course we have our negative moments together. You have your tantrums and your violent moments but you make it all so adorable. I can’t stay angry with you for long. You don’t like it when I forget things easily or don’t pay you enough attention.

Still, we work. I think you understand me in a way Chaeyoung never did. More importantly, you accept me in a way Chaeyoung never did.

I know I need to stop comparing the 2 of you though. I know that. You’re both so different. My love for the 2 of you is so different. Chaeyoung changed me, challenged me and taught me so many things about myself. I wanted to be everything for her. Look how that all turned out.

On the other hand, Jennie, you are my match in everyway. You are my best friend; the one I’m comfortable with, the one I can think rationally around, the one I will probably spend the rest of my life with. You make everything simple. And I love you for that.

Yesterday you finally asked me about Chaeyoung. I remember telling you before that I had an ex-girlfriend and that that relationship defined me for a really long time. I told you then that I wouldn’t tell you what happened unless you asked me to.

So yesterday you finally asked and I told you what happened. I told you I loved her; that I wanted to spend my life with her but that she left me. I told you about the depression I went through after she left. I told you about the drinking, I told you about how I started smoking and I told you that I used to sing for her.

Telling you about Chaeyoung, it felt like I was baring my soul to you. I felt so exposed before you but I knew that you wouldn’t turn me away. Nini I knew you weren’t that kind of person. I knew you asked because you wanted to get closer to me and to understand me more.

When I was done I half expected you to tell me to quit smoking immediately or to sing for you. But you didn’t. You just held me and thanked me for telling you this about myself. You said that you were sorry that I had to go through so much pain. I felt my love for you grow in that moment even as I felt my love for Chaeyoung diminish a little more.

‘Lisa, I know you’re still in love with Chaeyoung. I must admit that I’m jealous of her because she holds a place in your heart that I won’t be able to touch. But I want you to know that I’m here with you now and I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you to clear out these skeletons. I’ll wait for you to love me only because I love you Lalisa Manoban. If its for you, I’ll wait.’ When I heard you say those words, the relief that washed over me was palpable. I finally had someone who won’t leave. Yet I felt guilty that I still loved Chaeyoung. I wanted to rip out that part of me that loves her and burn it to ashes. I wanted so much for you to be the one that I loved instead.

And then for the first time you sang to me:

I know you’ve heard these words a hundred other times before And you’ve been hurt and so your heart has chose to close the door

Love broke your heart and brought you lies

Look in my eyes, you’ll see a love that’s deep and true

Tender and strong and all for you

You can trust this love, honest that’s the honest truth

From my heart I’m giving you everything, everything From the heart I promise you that I’ll be there

From the soul I’m showing you all I feel, all I feel is

From my heart, from the heart (A/N: Song is 'From the Heart' – Another Level)

Last night I didn’t want to leave your arms. You were so comforting. You gaze was so tender and loving. I used to be the one who sang my love to Chaeyoung and now that I had you singing your love to me. I knew how safe I truly was with you. I’d never heard anyone with a voice like your’s. It was sweet, pure, melodious, strong and genuine. I felt so loved. But I knew I was undeserving of it. Jennie, how is it that you exist in my life? How is it that you love me?

As we now walk hand in hand into Starbucks for our morning coffee, I know that we’ve moved into another stage of our relationship. I know that you’ve broken down one more wall that surrounds my heart. I feel that much more intimate with you; in love with you. I wish it was the weekend so I could spend the whole day with you. I don’t want to go to work because I want to be with you right now. But work calls and I know I’ll be seeing you for dinner.

You give me a quick goodbye kiss, but I pull you in to deepen the kiss. I don’t want to let you go Jennie. You’re not yet gone and I miss you already. As I release you from our kiss I stroke your cheeks and say ‘see you later honey, I’ll miss you.’ you just nod your head shyly and turn to walk away. But I know you and

I know that you’re grinning like an idiot right now. It makes me smile to know that I can make you so happy.

I myself feel so happy and free that I want to jump around like a dork and skip to work. But I settle for giggling to myself and grinning like an idiot. As I stand at the bus stop to wait for my bus to work, my thought still drift towards last night and how wonderful my girlfriend is. I turn to look at the road to see if my bus is arriving but there’s someone walking towards the bus stop that leaves me stunned.

"Ch..ae..young...ah"