You Never Said Goodbye

Different Outlooks, New Position

Lisa POV

I need to smoke. I need to drink. I need … I need Jennie. I need her to believe me. I finally know that I love her and that I want to be with her. When she sang that song all I could see was her, all I could hear was her, all I wanted to do was to love her. But things just took such a sudden change in direction.

I need to smoke, I need to drink. I need to hurt. I don’t even understand why I do this to myself. I know it’s bad for me. I know I should stop but my mind is just focused on it right now.

I want to block out the thoughts racing through my head. I want to numb the feelings coursing through my veins and striking my heart with each beat it makes. Why did all of that have to happen? Just when I knew it was Jennie.. just when everything became clear to me.. Why did Jennie just have to walk in on such a bad moment… Why did she have to leave me? Why did she have to call that guy and arrange for a date? Why did she have to be so cruel? Why did she break up with me? She’s been by my side for so long.. everything seems so empty right now… so achingly empty and desolate… I begged her.. I would have done anything she wanted… but she left me.. I wanted to deal with all this in Seoul, when they weren’t here.. they came all the way to see me and I couldn’t bring myself to hurt any of them. I really really didn’t want… I regret everything.. should’ve done more, I should’ve been more. Why couldn’t Jennie have waited just a little bit more…

It was so painful.. and I was in pure anguish and I wanted to just scream and hit things. And Joy.. she.. let herself be a target for me. She just had to become Chaeyoung’s protector or something; she had to challenge me; she had to rile me up. I so badly wanted to punch her face in right then but deep inside I’m thankful Joy’s better than me and that I didn’t manage to hurt her. Deep inside I know that she did it for my own good. Deep inside I’m thankful to her.

I just continue walking looking for a place to drink. I know Seulgi and Joy are following behind keeping a close watch on me, afraid I’d freak out again or try to kill myself or something. But right now I’m so tired out emotionally and physically I don’t think they need to worry that I’d do anything. Still, I guess I still need them to make sure I don’t wake up in a drain somewhere in the morning.

Or maybe I would die.. maybe. I don’t know.. is that the solution? Is that ever a solution? To die for love? As romantic as it seems I don’t think I would. No, I may want to drink and smoke and hurt myself but dying, that would be too foolish, too stupid, too self absorbed. Right now I have no answers but I know death isn’t one of them.

Finally I stumble into a roadside stall and order 6 bottles of Soju and 3 glasses. I light my cigarette and try to keep my feelings at bay. I’ve been so good at escaping from them over the years I don’t understand why I can’t seem to get past them right now. I can’t understand why tears still fall.

‘Lisa-yah, what actually happened? What did you and Chaeng talk about? Why did Jennie go… why did Jennie leave? Why did you yell at Chaeng? What happened?’ asks Joy.

I stay silent as I contemplate those questions myself. I reach for a bottle of soju and pour a glass for all 3 of us, hoping to buy time so I can figure out the answers to her questions.

I raise my glass and toast Seulgi and Joy before proceeding to drain it so that I can refill my glass again.

‘Lisa-yah.. ‘

‘Seulgi… lets just drink and not ask any questions alright?

‘Lisa..’

‘Look, I’m trying to figure it out too ok? Everything happened so fast. I’m trying to figure it out. I wish I had answers, I wish I ever knew what the hell happened back there. I wish I knew why it is that I don’t have Nini with me right now… I..’