You Never Said Goodbye

Just Till I Fall Asleep

Lisa POV

She went downstairs to get me some porridge for dinner. Will she really come back up? What if she said that as an excuse to leave again?

She caught me as I was going through a coughing fit. Does that mean I still have a chance? It has to mean that.. she wouldn’t have done that and cancelled her date if I wasn’t important to her; if she didn’t love me still; if she didn’t care.

Jennie brought me home and she physically supported me all the way to our bed before she left to get me dinner. I missed being so close to her. I missed the way our bodies fit so well together. I missed the warmth from her touch. I miss the attention she paid to me. I miss her. I miss her so badly.

I see her just about everyday except for weekends and yesterday because I was sick and honestly was concussed on the bed due to medication. But today is different; today she acknowledged my presence. Today she came to me. Today she’s caring for me.

As I lie in bed trying to keep up with my thoughts and emotions I hear movement outside the room and immediately my heart swells with joy. She did come back! I try to get up off the bed to see her; to help her; to talk to her.. but my head feels heavy and I feel a wave of nausea. I can’t help but fall back down. I know I shouldn’t be out of bed but I had to see her today. If I didn’t turn up she might’ve thought that I had given up. And I would’ve never done that.

The room door opens and she steps in with a tray that hold a bowl and a glass of water. She sets it down by the bedside table. Why is she so quiet? Why does she look so sad?

She scoops a spoonful of porridge and moves to feed me. I open my mouth eagerly. The moment feels so tender I don’t want to ruin it. But I notice she doesn’t look into my eyes. The whole time I’m staring at her but she doesn’t look in my eyes, just at the spoon, the bowl and my chin.. she avoids looking at me. Why? Can she not stand the sight of me? Is she here solely because she feels guilty?

I reach out to grab her hand. ‘Nini, please look at me… please.’

She doesn’t reply. She just removes my hand and continues to feed me. I sense the coming tears.

‘Nini, you’re here. That has to mean that I’m still important to you, so please look at me. I love you.’

‘Don’t Lis… I told you not to say anything. I’ll just finish this and make sure you’re alright for tonight then I’m leaving.’

‘No! You can’t. I know you still love me. You won’t be here if you didn’t still love me.’

Jennie turns away from me to stare at our bedroom floor. After a moment of nerve wrecking silence she finally replies me.

‘You’re right I do love you. But I don’t want to.’

‘Why? After all I’ve done these past few months for you… you should know how much I love you. I wait for you everyday, I give you gifts to show you how much I care and know you, I quit smoking because you said you don’t want me to come near you with a cigarette. I’m trying, I’m doing everything I can to get your attention; to show you that I’m serious about you, about us. So why can’t you come back to me? Why don’t you want to love me? Am I that disgusting to you? Are my feelings so burdening?’

‘No.. its not. But you know why I don’t want to love you. do you really need me to spell it out?’

‘Yes. Please. Tell me Nini, spell it out for me. Why don’t you want to love me even though you know you do.’

Finally she looks me in the eyes and all I see is her anguish and hurt. Behind the tears that are threatening to fall, I see the accusation, the anger. She blames me. I’ve hurt her so much, I’d stomped over her feeling and her unconditional love. It goes beyond what I thought I’d put her through. I realized at that moment that I had not just hurt her and taken her for granted, I had damaged her pride as well.