52 weeks of positivity (kinda)

Susie

Whenever I walk into the library

I always direct a cursory glance

around the ground floor

to check for Susie

my friend, kinda

if you call sitting next to each other for a year in German

friendship.

On the first lesson 

she announced

"I don't like the bullshit

that is takes so long to get to know

the person sitting next to you enough

so that lessons become enjoyable.

Frau Pittmann never changes the seating plan

so, let's just skip to being friends now"

I was sceptical but went along with it

and was quickly entranced by her smiles and witty comments

that to match

left me always a bit out of breath.

At the end of the year

the seating plan changed

and we quickly drifted apart

no longer shared our complaining about German

even though I actually enjoyed the lessons.

but I'm not sure how much of it

was because I sat next to her.

Whenever I see her

(quite often now as she works in the library, and I kinda live in the library)

she always makes an effort to say "hi".

though I normally try to avoid her

because I don't really know what to say

she always socialises flawlessly

always a witty comment

that makes my stomach tingle.

so, if I check if she's there

I'm prepared.

One time,

we settled into a nice conversation

when a mum ran over

cradling her child

hands full of blood.

I left quickly

our conversation ripped open

jagged.

but I knew she would handle it

and I felt there was nothing I could do

after panicking to my sister

I sneaked out

too embarrassed to face her again.

Today I spot her straight away

but hide in my corner

finding books

doing work

till I feel comfortable enough

to wander over with a query.

she solves it efficiently

and so, we finish up our interaction

she jokes about the number of books I've borrowed

I explain

I need them to fill my suitcase

we laugh

and I walk away,

feels like far too soon.

my face is blushing slightly

I touch it with confusion

and quickly think my way through our interactions.

shit,

I've got a crush on her.

notes: 

(for the week of august 12th) had to change the name on this one. Look i dont want to be found by someone i know and have all my secrets revealed. Not that im not a really open person so is bound to get screwed over by that fact soon anyway.  I really proud of the amount of poems ive gotten though even tho i was in uganda for 3 weeks.