Learning to Live

Chapter 50

Every day, I feel worse than the day before. The cancer has gotten worse and I feel as though I'm leaving this world sooner than I'd hoped. It's been a few months since we got married and I could feel the intensity in the air. Shana's trying her best but I know when she leaves the room, she's crying in the next.

She's at full term and our baby girl will be here soon. Her doctor said everything's fine with the pregnancy but sometimes I'd have to remind her to eat because she's been preoccupied with me. This should be the happiest time of her life, but right now it's the worse.

My body's weak and I've been bed ridden for a week, with no sign of recovering. After my honeymoon I went to see Dr. Martinez and he actually suggested that I should commit myself to a hospice. I actually agreed to go because I didn't want the ones I love to watch me waste away at home, but Shana insisted that I stayed at home because she wanted me closer.

Our sacred bedroom has now turned into a hospital room and Nurse Maggie has been doing a great job but I miss Shana, she's not the same. She's become depressed and withdrawn; I'm worried for her and our baby's wellbeing. It was great that Jon and Israel has been visiting frequently to keep her company since her brother has been deployed. Camelia as visited once or twice, but because she's avoiding Jon and is attending med school we saw less and less of her and I completely understood.

Sometimes when we're all in a room; Jon, Shana and Israel laughing sharing stories I'd catch Shana gazing into the distance deep in thought.

"Hey hon?" I reach across the bed and touch her hand.

"Mmm?"

"Can you make me that green juice I like?"

"Sure babe. The one with spinach and pineapple?" She smiled. Sometimes I'd ask her to do stuff for me just so I could see her smile. I think it made her feel like she's doing something other than sitting watching me die.

I look at Israel who was sitting in the corner on his phone. "Hey Is? Can you go and help her with the juice?"

"Dude it's just juice. I'm sure she can handle it."

"Dude, I need to talk to Jon alone if you don't mind."

"Okay, all you gotta do was say that. Its okay I gotta go anyway. I'm supposed to meet Chad's parents for the first time today. Wish me luck." He gets up and left the room.

"Good luck Is. Bye."

Jon eased closer to my bed, "What's up?" Ever since I got worse, Jon has been coming over every day; he's practically living in my penthouse. Before, seeing him every day would be a nuisance to me but having him here made me almost forget about my alternate reality.

"I need you to do something for me. I can't do it myself because my fingers are numb."

"Sure buddy. You need more yogurt?"

"No, I'm fine. I need you to call Bryce for me."

"Ian you know I'd do anything for you, except that. I can't believe you want me to call Bryce to fly you to Switzerland to off yourself. And I can't believe you're talking about this while your pregnant, depressed wife is in the kitchen. I can't...I'm gonna go get some air." He walks out of the room.

I get why he's having a hard time with this. If the situation was the other way around I would have done the same thing. The decision I've made to have Bryce fly me to Switzerland has rattled Jon and Bryce's his friendship since I announced it. Jon has stopped speaking to him completely, in fact he stopped going to any of his parties and that was a big deal.

Maggie entered the room with a glass of my green juice. She puts it down on the table nearest to my bed and prop up my pillows under my back, so I could be in a sitting position.