The things I think of when I'm alone

Stupid life, Stupid girl

So I guess this is what my life has come to huh? sharing my suicide, more like my entire life story through the fucking internet yet again. I'm going to preface this by saying don't come at me with pity. I don't want pity, I'm just sharing my story so at least someone knows.

Please don't come for Alex or hate him, he's an absolute angel and deserves nothing but the best. I love him with everything in me, even now.

If you think you can help me in any way, just know that you can't. So many people have tried because I reached out and every single one has had to stop talking to me because what I've said has led them to trying to kill themselves or seriously considering it (so far it's been 8 people including Alex). Just an insane amount of people that don't need to be involved have been. Literally the only person that can help is Alex, and he quite literally can't, I'll explain why later.

I'm missing chunks of what's really happened to me throughout my life, I make theoretical guesses for most shit if I don't know.

Okay this whole fucking mess started a long ass time ago, like shortly after birth. My memory isn't good enough to tell an even guessed timeline but I know I was abused sexually, physically, and emotionally my entire childhood that my persecutor had to go through alone until middle school when I showed up and completely took over as host. I developed anorexia nervosa. Fast forward to 7th grade, I started chopping myself up, as any overly depressed and abused kid. I don't know if I've just always been this way or it developed from me but I tend to overly rely on one singular person to 'save' me and I have a course of action that my life needs to follow or else everything in my life is completely wrong and I end up in a huge panicky mess for months on end. It affected my school life insanely but silently. No one could tell that I was struggling until my parents abuse got to the point I'd come into school uncontrollably sobbing, around 8th, 9th grade. After that my teachers started getting a bit concerned and I met a couple people who were only interested in me because I was so fucking vulnerable. Notably, Alex. I don't have a lot of memories of him anymore, I've suppressed them with hurting myself more than I'd like to admit, but fucking christ he was a predator. He IS a predator.

I remember one of the first times I truly came to him, I don't remember the reason but I remember the feeling. He asked to meet in his car in the parking lot of the baseball fields, so we could talk and have privacy. Little did I know he just wanted to take advantage of me. I was so fucked up from what happened, I couldn't tell him. I didn't ever tell anyone what Alex did to me. I don't remember how but somehow the entire school found out that I was 'fucking Alex'. I tried explaining but it was no use. I got broken up with it because I'd been sexually assaulted. My best friend was the only thing protecting me from Alex, the only barrier and he took it from me. Alex started stalking me, showing up at my house, picking me up from places, finding me in school, no matter where I was he somehow always just... found me. I was never ever safe. I still don't know if I was just infatuated with him and needed someone to just fucking care about me and he took advantage of that, or if I was in love. I was 14 or 15, he was 18 or 19. I wasn't the only girl either, he was obsessed with another girl just a year younger than me. The summer after he graduated he left for basic training, him and this other guy, AJ, about 2 years older than Alex, had this thing. The other girl made Alex and AJ choose which girl they wanted and Alex picked her. Stupid to say but I was heart broken. I don't even know why. All he ever did was use me and hurt me. I don't remember that summer almost at all. The only true memory I have was AJ driving me way out in the country, putting me in the back of his truck, giving me some voltage Mountain Dew to drink and watching trolls.

My memory fades out until I met this kid named Lance, through ifunny of all places. was absolutely toxic. He was the worst narcissist I'd ever met to this day. He did so much shit to me despite never meeting me in real life. Again with him, I don't know if I just needed someone to be near me or actually loved him, either way I needed him so badly. The more he hurt me the more I needed him and he knew it. He faked his suicide, made me leave my best friend at the time, etc. Since we knew each other through ifunny we ended up sharing my account, he was too paranoid to let me have my own. Little did I know that through my account he had a side business of sorts. His Snapchat was in our bio and I knew that but what I didn't know is that with his snapchat account he was pretending to be me. And while pretending to be me he faked my suicide to get more attention for our account as well as posting pictures of me prior to that, I was 15. Timelines are hard as fuck when you're missing half your memories but this next part I remember so well, dates and everything. The only thing that keeps me semi sane these days. At basically the end of 2016, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I was there for around 2 months, I'd say that was my absolute lowest point, excluding now. I was 17 and was 'in love' with a dude a couple states over. It wasn't love, I can see that now, I knew it then as well but I refused to acknowledge all he did was hurt me. I made him the center of my universe and all he did was make me do things with him, even when I didn't want to and try to push me into doing hard drugs with him; heroin, coke, and meth usually. But I never done any drugs before so I didn't do shit with him. After being outpatient for a bit, we decided to skype a bunch.