ANGEL ☾ winwin one shots.

warm. [johnwin]

a/n: talks about anxiety, just a lil warning before you read.

are you okay? is everything alright? are you doing great?

those are the typical questions people ask me all the time. but even after twenty-two years of answering, I never knew the exact answer to that kind of questions.

am I okay? do I need help? am I holding my life together?

I asked the questions to myself repeatedly every day. yet, I still don't have a clue. I'm constantly either mad or upset or just emotionless at everything. but I still laugh and get happy sometimes.

like, I still find it funny whenever xiaojun and yukhei bickered, and when xiaojun would throw a whole ass shoe at the older. but then I'll feel down and get quiet for no reason.

that's my real problem: I do not know myself. I don't know if I'm okay. I don't know if I have any illness. I don't know if I'm depressed. I don't even know what the symptoms are or what it feels like.

I'm not suicidal, not even a bit. that's one thing I'm sure about. hell, I loathe being injured. but sometimes I can't help but wonder what if I just disappear from this world.

whenever I feel tired or sick of this world, I just wanna dissolve into thin air and transform my kinetic energy into nothingness. and believe me; I felt like that a lot nowadays.

imagine: today I could be laughing my ass off but the very next day, I could be jumping off the nearest cliff. and that is what I feel every single moment. as I said, I really don't know myself.

and if there's one thing I fear, that is my own mind.

I got so stuck up in my fucked-up thoughts that I don't know what I'm doing with myself. at the end of the day, I will be lying on my bed, staring into the dark abyss—remembering nothing but my questions.

but as for now, I'm currently at the school cafeteria, eating lunch with my group of friends. or I pretend to. all I do is just poking my own peanut butter jelly sandwich and take a sip of my chocolate milk.

people would take a quick glance at me and think 'that's a normal teen boy eating and chatting with his friends'. but the truth is I'm not. I'm not eating, certainly not chatting with my friends, and absolutely am not a 'normal teen boy'.

when my best friend jaehyun and jungwoo are fighting over who is the top between mark and donghyuck, I'm thinking about what if I was depressed all along but never realised it. I'm thinking about what really defines me as a human being. as me, as a singular, as a 'dong sicheng'.

what makes me dong sicheng? do I have to grow into that name? or does the name grow into me? why am I dong sicheng, to begin with? I've could been any other names, but I'm stuck with mine.

" hey, sicheng ."

johnny's voice snapped me into reality. he must have seen me poking my sandwich over and over. there's even a tiny hole in the middle of it caused by my index finger.

shit, he must think I'm sort of a pervert now. but I couldn't tell him that I'm actually thinking about why my name is my name. because that's even weirder.

I turned to him who was sitting on my left. I had to lift my chin and look up. he's two years older, but he's very tall. like basketball player and models kind of tall. he's around yukhei's height, I think, but he doesn't really work out. he's slim, but not in an awkward, wimpy way.

" are you free today ?"

I hesitated but then I nodded. because I'm always thinking about how could people label me as a normal human being if I don't even know myself, every single moment, if I'm not busy. so I kinda want to distract myself from thinking stuffs like that.