Perfect SCARS

107

There are several lessons life teaches us that always come out as a punishment
Today am in chains not because I was ramdomly arrested from an abandoned house or because I shattered a guy's head at a bar for trying to get his way with me
I am in jail today because I almost murdered someone
I don't dispute that I deserve to be here but my heart is not at rest because I don't know his current condition. Am so worried

I agree I have anger issues
Infact I have terrible  conclusive instinct
But I would never want to hurt anyone this way
Even if he was the same man that destroyed my life years ago

The cell was small with about eight of us in it, we are bumping into each other's space and getting deadly glare from the other cellmate but I don't think am in any position to complain
With my back against the wall I slowly slide on the floor and rest my hand on my thighs

He asked me if I would feel better if he goes to prison
Will I really feel better if he is in jail
Locked up and out of my life for good

Will that really give me the peace of mind and freedom that my heart craves
Even before this incident, I knew I Dint  allow myself to think about it because after spending time with him and getting to be around him, I knew it would be difficult to let him go even though I couldn't admit it

He was never mine to begin with
But my whole life seem to revolve around him
It did then and it is now

Even when others fell asleep
I couldn't Sleep.
My mind is unsettled and I feel so tensed...... I could only pray that he survives this

Maybe I should have just agree to leave everything behind and leave with Him
I know deep down that I would really want that to travel the world with him by my side.....
At this point I need to be honest with myself and admit that

I had fallen in love with my rapist

I tried to avoid it, to control myself,to suppress it, to remind myself of the things he did to me but I guess in the end this things are inevitable and you don't exactly chose whom to fall in love with

Now that's my cross to carry which is why it is so hard to forgive myself after what went down tonight

***
Although I didn't catch any sleep but as other cellmates begun to wake up. I realize it was morning already

The morning routine was for an officer to check if we are all there, or still breathing..
Then some of us were released at different times but when your name is called you just know you are going home so when I heard

"Genesis Brown..... "
I jumped up and moved to the iron bar and answered
Am I really getting out of here
Is he alive

The fat officer opened the gate for me and I stepped out, he locked Back the gate and led me to a room.
Morgan was standing by the door as i walked in
She muttered... Thank you to the officer before he walked out

I stood and watch blindly for awhile before she placed an arm around my shoulder and help me sit and went round to take her seat in front of me with the tiny desk between us
I couldn't even look at her instead I stare at the red marks caused by the handcuffs from yesterday

"How Are You are faring, are you feeling okay ..... " I nodded..... "I only heard about what happened on TV.. Why didn't you call me, I didn't hear from you all week and now this...... What happened Genesis.. What went wrong "

"I... I don't know "

"You dont know, but you do realize you have been accused of attempted murder. What were you doing at the crime scene.... Why did you go anywhere near him"

"I... Don't know "I yelled firmly..... "I dont know why I went there I don't know "

"But that's not enough to work with.... For me to get you out of here... I need to know what happened. Pls help me so I can gets you out of here the soonest "

"How's he... " I whispered softly

"Who!........ Ohh Tris, I think she's getting better from the last time we spoke.... "

"Am not talking about Tris, am asking after Philip "

"Ohh... Well he is in a critical condition, I heard he had blood transfusion this morning but he is still unconscious "

"God..... What have I done " I shake my head remorsefully

"What did you do... Genesis, pls talk to me, we don't have much time before the officer comes back to take you "

I sighed and gave her a quick recap of everything that happened last night and she was smart enough to understand my broken story

"Don't worry... I'm working on getting you out of here.... I already posted for bail...... "

"I dont deserve to be free "

"No.... Don't say that. You made a mistake, and any one can make such mistake.....  just because its you doesn't mean you did it intentionally "

The door opened and the officer from before showed up

"Time up... ".  He says

I stood up slowly and he held my arm

"Pls always check on him and make sure he is doing OK "

"I will...... Genesis...but. I'm posting that bail so that we can work on this together.. You can't let this break you.You have to stay strong  Do you understand "

I nodded
And allow the officer led me to out of the room and back to the cell

Another new inmate has been placed in the cell and she looks so young and fragile
The older women kept pushing her around to catch fun. I tried to ignore and just mind my business but I couldn't do that..... I lashed out when they tripped her to the floor

"Why are you being so cruel to her..... What is wrong with you people.. Being locked up here is as hard as it is, we don't know our fate yet cause neither of us has appeared in court, so stop making it more difficult for others.... "

"Hey... Miss goody two shoes.. What right do you think you have to tell us what to do"
One of the women answered back

"No right.... The same way you have no right to bully anyone  "

"Ohh pls shut up.. What you are saying. You talk like you have not done any wrong in your life. If you are so perfect why are you are "

"Even with all perfection comes setback.. You can't know it all can you. We are here for different reasons but we are together let's not make it uncomfortable for anybody... So please I don't want to argue or cause any trouble please let there be peace. Let's not bully anybody "

After I said that everyone seem to have understood the essence of it and kept to themselves
Later on the girl approached me and said

"Thank You ma"

"Its fine...... What's your name "

"Me... My name is Salia "

"Salia...... How old are you salia "

She hesitated but whispered
"Sixteen.. To my ears "

God she's just a minor
Why would they put her here
So I raised a conversation and slowly found out why she was here and I could only feel sorry for her because her mistakes were similar to mine

Later  same day... My name was called again and I wasn't so eagar to answer it as before
I had gotten use to my cellmates and we were enjoying a story from a good narrator. Her name is Joyce

"Twice a day.... Huh.... Make sure to bring goodies this time "
One of them teased.. I smiled as I walked out of the cell and was taken to the front desk to sign beside my name

I didn't understand what was going on until I stepped outside to find
Lucy, Miss Pamela and Tris standing beside a car
When they saw me they hurried towards me and gave me a hug

Is this what having a family feels like
Having someone wait on you when you have lost all hope... When you have given up