Orphan

Chapter 77

The alarm clock flashed a bright 23:40 the first time she fell into the arms of sleep. When she awoke to find it was 06:24 and her bed remained untouched on Harry's side, she had given up on waiting for him, then finally at 07:01 drifted off to sleep again.

Now, though she woke up to find Harry fast asleep at 10am, a million thoughts raced through her mind, but she knew she was closer to finding out the meaning of life than to get an answer from Harry. "Good morning, sleep well." She placed a gentle peck to his temple and lifted herself from the plush mattress, fixing up her side of the bed. The air was crisp today, the smell of the ocean just outside the window lingered. The occasional longing for her family would surface every once in a while, now so more than ever since she would soon be starting a family of her own. But that life is behind her now. All of that is in the past and she couldn't change it now, she's not always sure she would. Her body felt heavy, she felt heavy, as if moving was too much. The weight of her thoughts, the sinking feeling she felt whenever he was around and dare look at her with those cold lifeless eyes and look away just as fast. Those feelings were enough to make her crumble all over again. It was apparent that things had changed between them, and while the moment it had all come crashing down wasn't as black and white as she would like it to be — she knows that it all blended in with the moment her pregnancy was confirmed until now. And she felt the tension in the air, when she didn't feel okay or when she looked defeated and he would look at her with the most painstakingly worried expression he could muster. He changed, and so had their relationship. All he did now was worry and avoid her, and maybe, just maybe he was even less ready for this than she had thought. She swallowed the growing lump in her throat making her way to the bathroom and stripping from her night gown, rinsing her face under the cold water at the sink. Maybe it wasn't the baby that worried him, maybe it was her.

Maybe he had someone else. Someone who would still look perfect to him long after she would become a wreck after the birth of their child, someone who doesn't have the unnecessary strings attached to the relationship they shared. Who didn't have to worry about being too rough or wild for the baby. Maybe he was sick of her?

She stared at the mirror with a blank expression, the scars and bruises had long disappeared since the accident a month ago. But she could still see them, in the cracks of her broken personality. In the way she didn't laugh the same anymore, or how her smile always seemed more and more crooked when she tried to hide herself from every hurt she had felt up till now.

"Am I ugly?" She frowned to herself in a whisper running her hand along her cheek, if Harry found her unattractive now, it would only worsen with time, after she becomes swollen and covered in stretch Marks — he would never see her the same way again. Why? Why is this even a factor?

"You should have seen this coming, he never wanted you for more than your body in the first place." She choked out tightly clasping the rim of the sink, forcing her eyes shut so as not to see the wrecked image of herself in the mirror, damn near tears. She slowed her breathing, the nausea creeping into her chest being shoved down by her imminent breakdown. "What's going on?" Harry muttered just as she lifted her head to stare back at him in the reflection of the mirror. "Fuck...you-you scared me. I didn't hear you get out of bed." She mumbled clearing her throat grabbing her washcloth and wetting it under the faucet before wringing it out. "I had to pee. What are you doing? Were you crying?" His voice was like silk on gravel, thick and deep, sleep still clinging to his vocal chords. "Rinsing my face I'm gonna shower." She dared not look him in the eye, placing her cloth on her face hoping to wipe away the embarrassment on her face and maybe, possibly herself from existence.

He sighed grabbing both her hands and pulling them from her face, still grasping the washcloth, forcing her to come face-to-face with him. "What is going on? Is it the baby?" For a moment there was silence and the growing angst on his face with the thought of his child not being okay made her feel all the more terrible for feeling the way she did. "N-o." And there it was. The crack she had train to withhold, the vulnerability neither she or her hormones could now control.

Harry was visibly uncomfortable at the sight of his crying pregnant wife, whom he had no way of comforting without feeling awkward about it. "Then what? Why are you crying? Who were you talking to earlier I had you talking."
"Do...do you still find me attractive?" She clenched her eyes shut and grit her teeth trying to bite back the words as soon as they left her mouth. She opened her eyes slowly and stared at the man before her. Harry was taken back by the question, he watched as the glossy-eyed, disheveled woman stood before him. Hair a mess and half naked in his bathroom, with a smudge of mascara below her lash line from the previous night and she still looked like the same girl he met in school, the same one he had a putty fight with in her bedroom all those months ago for a school project, and he could see no reason why she would think any differently.

"Nevermind...nevermind." she shook her head furiously back and forth and pulled her hands to her chest, subconsciously covering herself up from further rejection. "Its okay I get it. You don't need to answer that." She mumbled clearing her throat softly, looking at the floor as she held her washcloth over her chest self consciously and in that moment Harry had realised just for how long he had been silent. "I'm sorry for waking you I just wanna shower could you go pl-"
"You were never not attractive to me, where is this coming from?" Harry questioned, eyebrow raised in confusion and Monique wished the floor would swallow her whole. "Then why have you been acting like I repulse you lately?"

A soft sigh left his mouth as he ran a hand through his matted hair and shifted on his feet, "What are you on about?"
"Seriously? Harry you barely give me a second glance even when I'm speaking to you. For the last month I've been alone and tending to myself, you're never around anymore ever since... ever since I got back from the hospital. You haven't even tried to be with me, I've been trying to get your attention and you just won't have it. Don't think I don't notice your extra caution around your phone and the fact that you're more secretive than usual. Is it because of how I looked after the accident? Is it because I'm pregnant? Do you have another lover is that it? Are you sick of me, but you can't say so because I'm carrying your baby?" She frowned, the grip on her washcloth tightening as he vulnerability became more and more apparent in her nudity both inside and out. "I've just been busy. I had things to do, I didn't know you wanted my attention like that."

"Yeah well when your boyfriend goes from lusting after you to completely ignoring your existence for a month, it raises some alarms." She muttered crossing her arms looking him in the eye now, "husband," he mumbled matter-of-factly and turned her around holding her shoulders as he walked her out of the bathroom. His answer taking her by surprise, but this whole situation seemed out of character for him and she wasn't sure she knew who he was anymore. "How about we head out tonight. I'll cancel whatever I have and we can all spend a night out. I think we deserve it. You can dress up for me, it'll give you a chance to get your confidence back and put on a sexy little number." He smirked snaking his hands around her hips and tapping his finger lightly on the band of her panties. "Fine." She agreed quietly, breathing in with some sense of relief and feeling herself slowly lift from the pit she was in. But not entirely. "Great. Now lighten up. Go get done I'll let the boys know." Harry spoke calmly, throwing on some pants as he left the room.