Ruin my life (Gustav åhr)

twenty

Gus

I awoke to my beautiful Lauren by my side. Her head laid on the pillow next to mine. She had her hand on my chest, i smiled, grabbing my apple laptop next to me and began working on pros and cons if i decided to claim Lauren as my girlfriend for real.

Pros:
-she would be mine for real
-she wouldn't fuck around
with anyone but me
-i'd truly be happy
-she would cause a positive
impact on my lifestyle
-she would never hurt me
-i love her
-we truly have fun together
-she makes me laugh
Cons:
-i could hurt her
-hurt her so bad
-i might get fucked up and ruin us
-it could ruin our friendship
-i could destroy her
-she could grow into my lifestyle
-i have trust issues. Might go crazy jealous
-paranoia

I felt shuffling beside me and looked over to find Lauren staring at my computer, i closed it quickly and put it next to me, rolling over to stare at her.
She bit her lip, "Can i check my email?" She motioned to my laptop, i nodded handing it over to her. She opened it to the list and stared at it for a moment, "We'll get back to that." She commented.
I watched as she opened her email account, searching for something. And there it was,

Laurenhethers@gmail.com
:: Flight back to New York

Your flight is after tomorrow at 5 a.m. Enjoy your last real night, i hope you enjoyed it well, i apologize it took long, our flights have been extremely busy and i forgot to email you.

Newyorkcitymark@gmail.com

"Well there it is huh." She laughed, typing a reply. She sent her email back and closed the page, opening mine. "I told my boss about the flight you took, he will probably refund a big chunk of it since you're technically close family to me."
"Thanks Lauren." I pecked her cheek.
She stared at the list once more,
"Can we talk about it?"
"I guess." I shrugged, she inhaled, "Why did you write you're gonna fuck this up?"
"Cuz im a fuck up Laury, you already know this." I lightly chuckled, she rolled her eyes, "A relationship is about working together and as long as you're loyal and love me i don't see how you're gonna fuck it up."
"I fuck up everything, next thing you know you're gonna be in London or sum and im gonna fuck a random bitch high outta my mind because i miss you." I replied biting at my fingernail, she stared at me, her eyes piercing through my soul,
"You're gonna cheat on me because you miss me? That's a fucking joke. You went three months without sex when we stopped seeing each other because you fucked Layla."
"Laury, that was to prove a point." I sighed, i wasn't even sure what i was saying, i guess i was making excuses.
"You proved how bad you want me, and now you don't want me because you feel like you're gonna want me too hard and fuck someone else? I mean come on Gus, prove to me that you deserve me, everyday of being in a relationship is about hard work, not even hard work, if you're in love it's supposed to be easy. If you just try it and see maybe you'll like it, i don't know you didn't cheat on Layla." She had a determined look on her face as i stared at her, i understood what she was saying, but Layla and i were extremely unhealthy being together, she just didn't understand that, we fought constantly and just did drugs, we stayed together because we thought we were in love and just hurt each other constantly.
"I did cheat on her Lauren, so much, after she did the things she did, i wanted to hurt her like she hurt me. We were fucking toxic, in a cycle it wasn't healthy for either of us and i regret that so bad." I looked away from her this time, remembering when i stared into another girls eyes, feeling nothing for Layla, but she was all i thought about as i fucked some random bitch who offered to fuck me after my concert. She moaned my name and i told her to shut the fuck up because i just wanted to think of Layla. I really loved that girl, fucking other girls just caused me more pain.
"But gus i promise, if there's one sign of being toxic, i'll end it, i will have control, im fucking Lauren, I don't take shit from anyone not even you Gus, i will never hurt you, i am not Layla, i've been single for a long time before you, and hookups were never my thing, i've had sex with four people Gus. Including you, it's staying low for a while. I don't wanna be toxic, i wanna show you what real love feels like. I promise you, i will never hurt you, i will never and if i do i will cause myself the greatest sadness of my life. I've met someone so special, you're so unique i love everything you offer, the flaws too, you're so kind hearted too, i can tell you're soft and i fucking love that." She hugged me tightly and i sniffled into her hair. I felt my tears bit wiped them from behind her, I guess what she was saying was true, i was soft, for the wrong girls, i hated it, that's why i was so afraid of allowing myself to become hers, she could hold my heart in her hand for months, even years and just squish it without realizing. She pulled away and pecked my lips softly, i pulled away with a tiny smile, a big smile on her own.
"Just think about it." She suggested and i nodded,
"I will. One more day to decide." I bit my lip.

I awoke once more to the sound of a door opening and closing. I sat up and opened my eyes confused.
"Oh sorry Gussy. I went to get some stuff." She stood there in high waisted shorts and a blank tank top.
I smiled at her, "What'd you get?" I asked in my cracked morning voice, she smirked,
"That's a sexy sound. I got us a few things."
She dropped the bag in front of me and they clinked, alcohol, i smirked. I opened the bag and it revealed to me, a bottle of tequila, vodka, rum and scotch.
"Pick your poison." She chuckled, "the tequila is mine but we can share."
"I'll take the vodka." I replied pulling it out,
"Did you get chasers?" i asked curiously, she nodded.
She pulled out shot glasses of our names, she handed me one that was half pink and half black with the name Peep on it. I smiled staring at the glass.
"I had them customized." She chuckled as she showed me hers. A small plane on hers, with a point from New York and L.A., both of ours had Hawaii written underneath with the date. "Laury i fucking love this." I held it lightly and grabbed her face and kissed her. She smiled as i pulled away, "Im glad now let's drink."

I poured her a shot of Tequila and poured one for myself. We stared into each others eyes as we clinked our glasses together. We both downed the liquid, as soon as she finished she got undressed quickly and threw on a bathing suit. I stared at her body as i stood up and copied her.
"We're getting drunk at the beach, don't bring anything valuable just incase." She said as she grabbed the hotel key card and a bag for the alcohol and plastic cups. I followed her out of the room, bringing my phone even though we agreed not to bring things with value.

I took a picture of her as we walked onto the beach.
she looked beautiful even from behind, i chuckled to myself, obviously with her ass. But for more than that. I posted her on my snapchat, Lauren is the definition of perfect, i played with my hair as we seated ourselves on towels and poured our first cups. She hid the alcohol and chugged her first cup of tequila and seven up.
"I cannot believe we have to leave tomorrow morning at five a.m" She sighed,
"This trip has been so magical Gus." She smiled to herself and i couldn't stop myself to do the same,
"Next time we're just planning our own, how about, next month, or next week Lauren, take off work im going to L.A for a concert, and then i'm supposed to find out about a tour, come with me on tour." I stared at her as i sipped my cup and she looked away, "Well maybe, we have to see."
I downed my cup and poured another, a relationship, I thought about it, and i kept thinking about it, with Lauren. I imagined us sitting in New york, if we began dating we'd spend alot of time together, It was fucking Lauren i'd love that.
She would most likely move in with me, i adored the idea, better than not. She would be away at work a lot, i sighed to myself, i would hate that. But my music was blowing up so much i would probably be able to pay her living, or even if we end up having a kid soon, she would be off work and probably change jobs, i sighed, she wouldn't do that, i'd be asking for so much, she loved her job as much as i loved mine, it wasn't an option to ask her to do that unless she decided herself.

The sun began going down and i felt dizzy. We agreed to get off the beach and go somewhere else after watching the sunset. And then...my mind went blank.