Ruin my life (Gustav åhr)

twenty seven

We weren't really sure how to speak anymore. Gus and i ate and laid in bed together for four days straight, simply him making phone calls and him asking me if im okay here and there. I felt really exhausted and depressed, it felt different between us, things were changed now, and that really upset me.

I looked over to the laying Gus beside me, he was soft and sound asleep, i stared at him in awe, then laid back into place with a frown thinking of my life now. I had no job, because i wasn't showing up back at my old one, at that point i threw out all my credibility and my only reference to be a flight attendant, this was it for me. I had no family, i had no body. I began to cry, thinking about Mark touching me and Gus awoke beside me, he leaned over grabbed me tightly and kissed my head,
"I'm fucking here Lauren."
"Im always here." He squeezed me tighter and i cried harder, "You're all i have Gus.."
"I'm gonna take care of you for as long as i breath.."
"Please do." I replied..

"Hey gus?" I said quietly after a few moments,
"yeah?" He popped his head out from my neck with a small smile,
"since we're dating now...and its been so long since we know each other and you know so much about me..."
"You want me to talk about myself?" He asked with his eyebrows furrowed, i nodded.
He sat up and then laid down on his stomach facing me, "okay, what do you wanna know?"
"Everything."

"Started music young, dad wasn't around, mom tried but not hard enough, had one brother..Karl, i don't know Lauren, lots of pain, not so much money, we tried our hardest to go by and it was rough, i was always different then kids at school and my town was very known for drugs and i got introduced to them young and did them, aggressively for awhile, i've been known for overdosing, i do it mostly to forget and not feel, i don't know, life sucks no matter what the conditions are, i feel like as humans we have to find something wrong in our lives, it's just like that..." He paused for a moment as i continued to stare at him in his boxers and pink camo shirt,
"Anyways, i started releasing shit on soundcloud, met a girl, but we never got together, got noticed, got noticed and continued to get noticed for music, they asked me to be apart of gbc after awhile, i dont even really remember how i ended up here but i did. Tracy actually is the reason i took interest in the clique..i dont know Lauren.." He sighed,
"My whole life i felt like i didn't belong, i always have, that's why i wanted to place myself out of the box that everyone was in and got tattoos everywhere and made my own music no one had, i wanna be the first, i am the first, there's no other one out there like me, others wanna be me, and i'm fucking proud of the way i am now, but inside im still fucking broken, insecure, anxious and lonely, i'll never lose that part inside me that makes me feel like i did at that young age, just alone and separated from the rest of the world, i'm dying young, and i know i am, i've accepted that." I stared at him, i held his hand and sent him a reassuring smile as he stared at the bed with sad eyes, he looked up at me with a soft sad smile. "You didn't deserve this Lauren, i'm so heartbroken i wasn't there to protect you, i promise i'll always be here now.."
"It's okay Gus.." I said quietly.
He laid onto me and i kissed his head, i sighed loudly, Two broken people trying to fix each other is never good.

A week later
Gus pov

I stared at the sun as I walked out of the airport in Russia, i held onto Laurens hand tightly as she stared along with me, i had a huge smile on my face.
"We're fucking here!" Tracy yelled.
I chuckled, "show is tonight at nine, we are going to destroy the stage!" The whole crew got hyped and hugged each other as we got into our tour bus, Lauren stayed quiet as we sat onto the couch. The bus drove us to a location and the crew was rolling blunts, i stared at Lauren who sat in my bunk sad, she looked over at me and threw me a fake smile.
I sighed as she stared i mean, she was so broken now, i just wanted to help her but i had no idea how to..

The show. The show was incredible, more than i ever wished for or wanted, the crowd made me cry backstage and i didn't wanna leave. Our meet and greet i got to meet my beautiful fan base and they wanted pictures with Lauren too, she looked amused by my fan base and had a smile on her face all night, but she didn't seem bothered when emo wannabes came to me and tried to flirt with me, she only watched as i asked them to be respectful and say i was dating the fine girl by the table five feet away. Lauren was changed, i don't blame her but i was so hurt, so broken by her brokenness, i had no idea how to feel. How to be there for her.

Once it was over the guys wanted to go out and celebrate but i rejected their request to join and made my way to a hotel with Lauren, I ran her a bubble bath and hoped this would comfort her if she felt any uncomfortableness today, i just wanted her to feel..happy...i popped a xanax in the bathroom when i ran the bath. Once it was ready i told her, she smiled lightly, not her usual smile and she made her way into the bathroom, i heard her mumble my name after she entered, "yes?" i yelled back,
"Would you wanna join me?" She asked weakly, i smiled lowly and stumbled my way into the bathroom. "Thanks for inviting me." I said as i pulled of my clothes difficultly. I joined into the bath and we faced each other. She stared down from me, biting her lip. "You're on xanax?" She mumbled, i sighed, "yeah.." "You brought them?" She raised an eyebrow, she still wasn't looking at me just at the clear bubbly water underneath us.
"Yeah i did...im sorry Laury, i know you don't like it, i haven't taken a lot this past week, it's been maybe one a day, sometimes three when i felt like i should blame myself for what happened.." I swallowed hard and shut my eyes tightly, "Can i have one..?" She finally looked up at me, i noticed once i'd opened my eyes, i gave her a confused look, "what?"
"A Xan. Please."
"No Lauren, no, i don't need to make you start being addicted and shit, i really wont enable you like that.."
She started crying, "just one Gus, please, i wanna forget just for a while, please."
I stared at her, "No. Cry with me, don't forget it, use this to make you strong, you're amazing my Laury and you cannot just forget who you are because someone was so disgusting and full of fear of rejection or just fucking being a psycho path to take that away from you, you can't become like me."
"One Gus, to forget the way he looked at me in lust as i cried and screamed for you, to forget how long it felt, to forget the way he choked me and made me pretend moan, please Gus." She cried even harder,
"No."
"Yes." she replied,
"NO." I yelled, she twitched, "im sorry Lauren, but no." She rolled her eyes and wiped her tears, leaning over the bathtub, reaching for my jeans,
"They're here no?" She found the ziplock and threw one into her mouth. Swallowing it quickly, i felt more tears grow in my own eyes,
"Please throw that up.."
"No gus it's too late. Just let it happen. You aren't my dad, i'll do what i want and i'll pay you back for it."
"Lauren..what have i done to you." I cried into my hands and she sighed, "Gus it's not your fault. Lets just sit here and relax..Think about travelling somewhere far after this tour..together..alone..just forget shit.."

I stared at her, broken, she seemed to be just as destroyed as me..