Ruin my life (Gustav åhr)

forty

"Colby." I poked at his sleeping body on the couch, he groaned and looked at me, "hey." He smiled, i faked a smile, "Hey listen, i need you to leave cause Tracy's coming and i dont need him getting ideas about you sleeping on the couch." I lied. He furrowed his eyebrows, "At.." he said as he opened his phone, "three am?"
"Yeah he's having a rough night, can't sleep.." I lied again, Colby sighed and got up, "why don't you just tell him.?" he asked, i bit my lip, "not anytime soon."
He rolled his eyes at my reply, "Of course not." He got up and grabbed his wallet and keys,
"My husband died Colby,  and that's his fucking best friend, and anyways i don't even know what im doing right now, im so lost without Gus! You cant just sit in our house, kiss me, and tell me you wanna raise this kid with me and pretend like you can just replace the love of my life, my fucking husband!" I yelled, i felt myself sob but i continued, "Gus has been my everything for years, and i lost him! I fucking lost him, he isn't replaceable and im fucking lost now too, a piece of me fucking died, and now i have to raise a kid without his fucking presence, you're never gonna fucking know what thats like!" I screamed, he stared at me with shock, not knowing how to respond, he finally did though, "Lauren..i never wanted to replace Gus...i know i wouldn't ever, but you know i've loved you so much for so many years, and it always hurt when you called me back and then left me for Gus, and this time i came back myself because i know you love me too, not as much but more than anyone after Gus, and it seems like its finally my chance to be there for you and be it for you, and im sorry Gus passed away, i really am, but i love you Lauren, and no matter how much time it takes i will be here, by your side, until you feel like its right for you to move on, and by move on i don't mean forget Gus or replace him but to decide that life goes on. Im sorry Lauren, all i've ever wanted is to love you, im sorry i made you feel like i was trying to replace him, i know i never could and it pains me." He said sadly, and with that he left, i was speechless, at a loss for words, i have been such a bad person to Colby and now i have to cut him off because my dead husband isn't dead but he can't know...i felt so fucked up...

"Laury." Gus said as he came down to see me.
I looked at him, "You okay?" He asked, i shook my head, "Of course not Gus, of course im not okay!?" I laughed in his face, "What the fuck is wrong with you!" I screamed, he looked at me sadly,
"I'm sorry Laury, i felt like it was right.."
"Well look at your fucking butterfly effect HUH?" I screamed, "was it fucking worth it?!"
He sighed and sat down, "You hurt me, worse than you ever could, you have made me about to hurt Colby yet AGAIN. You hurt Tracy, your family! Everyone that loves you." I fucking cried, he sighed,
"i know, but i had to do it, the contract and the people would have literally killed me Lauren, i couldn't any longer. It was for us." He said, i walked to him and gave him a hug, just thankful he was alive. He hugged me tightly. "Can you call Tracy and get him over?" He asked, "i can try." I replied.

After spam calling Tracy he finally picked up, pissed off that i woke him up. He was making his way over. Gus got ready to see him after all this time, i'm sure he felt so happy, Tracy was going to feel even happier and angrier. I heard my front door be unlocked and i heard his voice, "What was so important at 3:30 in the morning?!" He said loudly,
"Come in the kitchen." I replied, he made his way into the kitchen and sat at the island, "You're scaring me Lauren what's wrong?" He asked as i poured him a cup of coffee. "I just wanted to surprise you." I said as Gus sat beside him, Tracy looked over and shouted, "What the fuck!" Gus smiled at his best friend, "Im alive Tracy, don't panic. You're not dead." He laughed, Tracy had a shocked face with absolutely nothing to say.
"Im sorry i had to fake my death to get out of gbc and i hated the people Tracy, you were the only good one." He said sadly, "I tried to warn you, you just got mad i left. Now im fucking so mad you did this!" He said calmly. Gus sighed, "trust me i got the same thing from Lauren," "As you should have, she's fucking pregnant, you know how much stress that is?" Tracy raised an eyebrow and Gus sighed harder, "I know! Im sorry but you know how bad it was Tracy.." Gus looked at him for some slack.
Tracy sighed, "yea i know.."
"Im sorry we stopped being friends Gus, i really mean that, i cannot tell you how much pain hit me when you "died", i thought so many nights about how i could have saved you if i never left, how i actually cared and wouldn't have left you alone to die." Tracy started crying, Gus gave him a hug, he cried too, "Tracy im alive, im fine, and i quit bars, for me and my family, for myself, i did this so i wouldn't fall in that hole again, and im sorry i made you think so much, you didn't deserve that. I fucking love you Tracy." "I love you too Gus. Never pull that shit again."

Gus spent the rest of the morning/night explaining what he was going to live the rest of his life like now, he had new id's from connections. Our income to continue affording our house and child would be music he had which was unreleased and his own songs he could finish off with his home studio in the basement, meaning i could drop albums with his help. Meaning i wouldn't have to go back to work, and Gus well couldn't go much out in public or else he would get wayy too noticed.
"Let's dye your hair.." I suggested, Gus smiled, "what colour?" He asked, i thought for a moment, "black."
"Let's go pick up hair dye." Tracy said and we all got up, i grabbed the benz keys and we all got in the truck. I drove to the pharmacy, Gus holding my hand, i looked at him and smiled, i felt joy i hadn't felt in months, joy i never thought i'd feel ever again.
"I fucking love you Gus." I said, he smiled widely,
"I fucking love you."