He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not (Reddie)

11

Richie's POV

I think the funniest thing about me being gay, besides the fact that it wasn't funny, is that I wasn't I had never really labelled my sexuality, all I knew was that staring at Bev sun tanning at the Quarry didn't affect me half as much as Eddie's face when he went on a rant.

I still liked observing people from afar, even though the thoughts always made me feel dirty and shameful.

'Her eyes are so stunningly green'

'Damn those are some curves'

'Holy shit, he has abs???'

There was much more than that, but I always compared that person I was looking at to Eddie. A girl's eyes never held enough passion to knock me out. A boy's figure would be to tall for my liking. Eddie was my fucking type.

But I didn't forget about girls altogether. Which meant I could be bi.

The thing was, I didn't feel like I had to label myself. It would be too final. The only thing I could confirm, was that I liked Eddie and I definitely wasn't straight.

It's not like I could wake up in the morning, after thinking about simply getting close enough to hold Eddie's hand, and convince myself that I was a functioning heterosexual. I could convince other people that, but only because they didn't know about the sneaked glances towards Eddie's butt in those fucking red shorts that I only allowed in my most shameful moments.

It felt so wrong to think of my friend like that, but at least I wasn't telling anyone about it. My thoughts would do no harm....I hoped.

So I found myself laying on a park bench staring up at the cloudless sky, thinking all of this over. It was a nice summer day, and I would usually spend my time with the losers or in the arcade, but I was feeling anti-social. I just wanted to be by myself, and since my parents were home, I had to be by myself in the park.

"Fuck Richie, what happened to you?" Stan was standing over me, blocking the sun from my eyes so that I didn't have to squint.

I sat up, "just thinking about your mom," I retorted.

"Ew," Stan wrinkled his nose, "aren't those jokes reserved only for Eddie, and didn't they stop being funny since you started making them?"

Eye roll, "didn't they stop being funny since you started making them?" I mocked.

"Seriously Richie, what's wrong?"

Stan was the caring type. He can be mean and insensitive, but he honestly cared about each one of us losers. He was always the one to bring sunscreen or bug spray or snacks for the group. And he always had an extra pencil.

I didn't want to lie to him, knowing how sincere he was being, but I didn't think he was ready for the truth. Or maybe it was just me. I wasn't the one ready for the truth.

I sat up on the park bench, allowing him to sit next to me and give me those 'psychologist eyes.'

"There's just some things that I just can't share with everyone," I muttered.

"Why not?"

I shrugged, "it would change our friend group, and I don't want us to change."

Stan was silent for some time, probably trying to come up with some good advice. But there wasn't any.

If I came out to my friends things would change and be awkward. If I stayed safe in the closet I might not be able to take hiding such a fundamental part of myself from everyone. The secret could ruin me, it already had.

Technically I wouldn't ever need to come out. I still found girls attractive. I could live my whole life only dating girls and be perfectly happy. Even though I would be ignoring the desire that I have to be with a boy. I don't think I could rest in peace without having kissed a boy.

"What if you just told me the secret?" Stan interrupted my thoughts, "and then I will decide if it is too much for our friend group to handle."

"What?"

"I mean, it's not like I can assure you that your secret won't ruin our friend group if I don't even know it."

"Oh."

Tell Stan? But what if our friendship changed?

"What if things change between us after I tell you and we are no longer friends?" I voiced my thoughts.

"Eh, we weren't that great of friends anyway."

I laughed.

Looking at Stan, with his tight curls on his head and his pale oval face, I felt more anxiety than ever. His calm and assuring look was going to change. Usually it would be replaced by annoyance, but I didn't think that that would be the case this time.

I took a deep breath, it was time to tell him, "Well...I think I'm bi..."

Stan's eyebrows raised slightly, "Really?"

"Yes?" I inquired back. I was utterly terrified for whatever would come next. I stared at him, waiting for a reaction.

Stan shook his head, sighed, and leaned back into the bench.

"Are you sure?" he asked, "how do you know?"

I could only shrug, speech was beyond me.

"Have you ever kissed a boy?"

I shook my head.

"Then how would you know if you liked boys?"

"Have you ever kissed a girl?" I countered.

Stan shook his head, his cheeks tinted pink.

"Then how do you know you like girls?"

Stan tried to say something but stopped.

I mustered up the courage inside of me, "look, I don't know what my label is for certain yet. I do know that I like to check out girls and I like to check out guys. It sucks that you aren't super accepting of this but I guess I have my answer on whether to tell the group or not." I stood up to leave, wanting to get away from my unsupportive friend.

"Richie wait!" Stan called.

I stopped walking and turned around.

"It's not that I don't support you, it's just...weird, I guess, to think about," he drew in a deep breath, "and you should wait to tell the group, but I will always be here for you. I just....I didn't know about this part of you, and I really hope that one day you can flaunt it proudly." He embraced me into a hug.

I tried my hardest not to tear up.

"Thank you," I whispered, "I didn't know how much I needed to tell someone."

Stan pulled away and looked at me seriously, "secrets will do that to you, start eating you alive."

-----

Okay I found this chapter super wholesome.

First of all, Richie is bi. He shows attraction to girls and boys in the movies and book.

Second, Stan is more of a supportive bean than I showed in my last book. He's still a little close minded but...

Also, I accidentally said 'queer' tonight at my family Christmas party. The thing was, I forgot that queer is an offensive word because I use it to describe myself all the time. Ex: Entering a room a will sing in my head 'the queer is hereeee.'

And I'm also not out to my fam, so my siblings thought I was being super offensive and using a slur (which it is, because it was widely used as a slur and still can make people feel oppressed.)

I DID NOT MEAN THE WORD AS A SLUR, I promise. I literally think of queer as bi or pan basically and so when people were like 'oh my gosh that's awful' I was like, 'nah being bi isn't awful its fun as fuck'

Yeah, basically I'm stupid. and this chapter was long as fuck. You're welcome.