the girl in the stands - shawn mendes

chapter thirty two

lauren,

i sat down on the bench after dance and started to put on my regular converse i wore here whenever someone walked up to me and i saw the shadow which made me look up meeting eyes with jack.

he didn't say anything but he sat down next to me. i finished tying my shoe, thinking that maybe he would say something but he didn't so i looked at him.

he was staring straight ahead but he turned and looked back at me when i did.

"are you okay?" he asked me.

"yeah. i'm fine" i said and looked away from him.

"no, you're not" he said.

"why do you care? i thought-"

"the problem is i do care. just talk to me"

"i made a mistake, jack" i said looking at him. "with you"

he didn't say anything.

"i knew it from the moment i met you. that you.. you were going to change everything and you did. i didn't want to admit that. not to myself, not to you, not to shawn, not to anybody. i didn't want anything to change. i liked the way things were, i was afraid of change but it's changing. everything is"

"what didn't you want to admit?" he asked me.

"that i-i did want you to kiss me, and if you did i would've kissed you back" i said it. i've never actually said the words out loud or even really thought about it but now i am. "i didn't want to admit that i think maybe i have feelings for you"

"you made me believe that what i felt was stupid and childish and one sided, lauren. why would you do that?"

"because shawn is.. because i'm in love with shawn and i was- i was scared of losing him." i said. "i'm so sorry. i never ever in a million years wanted to hurt you the way i did"

next thing i knew, jack was closer to me and his hand was on my face and he was moving a piece of hair from out my face.

"what do you want, lauren?" he whispered.

"i don't know" i said.

he pulled away. "i need you to figure that out"

and with that, jack stood up and he walked away leaving me alone in this big room. i thought about everything that samantha had told me a few days ago when i went to see shawn.

i need to see him again, so i got up and that's where i went. i drove straight to where shawn was.

—

the door opened and when it did, shawn stood there with messy hair like i had just woken him up.

"lauren, i didn't think you'd come back" he said.

"i want to talk." i said.

"okay" he said and opened the door wider letting me inside.

we sat down on his messed up bed, and he grabbed a shirt, putting it on while i waited.

he sat down next to me when he was finished and he looked at me. "i'm sorry i broke up with you, i made a mistake and i've had time to think about that"

i looked at him. "what?"

"lauren, i love you. and i know you love me too. you don't love him"

"shawn, i don't want to get back together" i said and couldn't even believe myself when i did.

"what?" he asked confused.

"everybody was right, okay?" i said. "i did want jack to kiss me that day and i do have feelings for him and i thought i could push them away and ignore them but i can't. and that's not fair to you. because i love you, i do love you but i can't be with you when i have feelings for him. i need to figure those feelings out. i need to be happy"

"do i not make you happy?" he asked me standing up.

"that's not what i meant" i said.

"i don't-i don't understand. i thought that me and you.. i thought we were- do you love him? is that what this is about? does he make you happy and i don't? is that it? because i can do better, i will be with you more, i'll make you happy. i'll-ill learn to dance. just tell me what to do, lauren. please" he said and i heard his voice break when he said please and it broke my heart.

i stood up and walked close to him and i put my hand on his face softly.

"you make the happiest i could be" i said as my eyes started to tear up.

"then why are you leaving me?"

"because you deserve better."

"no, i don't" he said louder and i took my hand away from his face. "i don't deserve better, what i deserve is you. what i need, what i want. is you, lauren"

"shawn-"

"no, no if anyone in this room deserved better. it would be you. after everything i've done to you. i should be the one saying you deserve better. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry that i hurt you.. but i never-i never faked my feelings for you."

"i know" i said. "i know, shawn"

"i gave up everything for you. i moved to florida for you-"

"you call that everything?" i asked and caught myself before i got into a fight with him over it. "i'm sorry"

"don't you love me?" he asked.

"of course i do" i said.

"if you really did, you wouldn't leave me. you wouldn't.. hurt me like this. you would stay. lauren, you would stay. you wouldn't walk out. please, just stay"

"i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry, shawn" i said and walked out.

i walked out and away from him and my heat broke into a million pieces and i feared there would be no way to repair it this time.