YouTuber imagines

F*cking Lost

The way it embraced me almost made me feel guilty...

The coldness in my conscious was so warming but so terrifying.

So close to being guilty...

But I'm not

"Hello. I'm glad you see this. It's been a long few years. I bet you knew that though. Anyways. How are you? I'm doing better now if it wasn't obvious. I hope you're doing better too! I wonder how your face looks. Staring at me. I wonder what thoughts are running through your head. Are wondering the same as I am? Are you feeling the way I feel? Are you just as satisfied? I hope so. That's a big factor in why. That's all everyone asks. Why? Tell me what do you think why? Why opens up a big portal to the world. It's a simple question that can heal, hurt, change literally anything. I'm sick of that word, that question. Everyone asks it to me now. They know I hate that question. 'Why'. It's mocking me. Mocking you. Now I get to mock you with your very own words. Why? Why didn't you do it? Why didn't you ask? Why? You tell me why? Why are you asking me why? I think the why is pretty obvious in this situation. Then some ask how. I'll tell you how. The same way you sleep at night knowing you said something to someone that hurt them, but you didn't know it hurt them deeper than they thought is how. How do you smile at the same person who's heart you broke only 5 minutes prior? I knew what I was doing. You didn't. You don't. I planned and thought, you spoke and proceeded, blindly. I'm the smart one here I promise. Maybe this is the only way I'm smart. Let's move on. We could get caught up here forever. You ever enjoy night? Where everything creeps up on you? You're afraid to hang your feet off the bed because something will get you. You stare at the stars because they're calling and hold keys to the universe. I enjoyed the night too. Just like everybody else. The same people who act like it's a personality trait to want to sit under the stars with their significant other listening to music. No. The night is another world for me. I couldn't even explain it to you in person. It's hard. The night feels like a home to me. It's so fascinating but so easy to get lost into and hurt yourself in. You play with your own words until they hurt you. You play with others too. I did both under the night. It was nice honestly. Thinking of what words to pull together to see what I could make. It hurt me sometimes. It hurt others sometimes too. I've always wanted to take pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words is it not? If only I could throw my mind onto a plate and show you how it works. My mind specifically, maybe then I wouldn't be so... lost. That's what I've been. Lost. Fucking lost. I thought I was fine. But it hit me like a brick. Everything hurts. So fragile. I feel like a porcelain doll. So easily breakable. But instead of breaking by others hands I'm broken by my own. I can't believe this! So many other people are hurting from worse and this! I'm so selfish but I'm not guilty. Those are two different things and I could go on an entire debate. But that's not important is it. This seems all over the place. Seems so confusing doesn't it? Of course it does. You feel lost, don't you? Now you're starting to understand. But not enough. Not enough."

That's why I'm not guilty.

I deserve this

I want this

"So please. If you found me and you now stare at my body. Know that I'm not sorry. I'm not guilty. It was my life. I didn't take myself away from you, I took myself away from me. Now I'm no longer fucking lost"

"Because we're all just fucking lost"