Save Me Break Me || MYG

The Memories Seventy Five - Tell Me

I lay on my back, my eyes glued to the ceiling of my bedroom as I counted the days since I last saw her. The holidays have passed unnoticed, my thoughts clouded by the breathtaking image of her in that blush dress, how her sweet laughter filled my ears as she played around and be filled with those fresh strawberries she loved so much, how she held me locked in her gaze, how her body molded onto mine as she said those words I wanted to hear... I wish to relive that moment.

I let my arm drop carelessly over my eyes, wishing I could drift off to dreamland. But as I did, Mia's pitiful state, those fear in her eyes kept playing on loop and bludgeoning me to an extent that each night I lay me down to sleep it was the only image my brain managed to remember, and torture me.

It was like poison that burns my throat and gnaws my insides up to my bones. It was sickening. All her life, she only asked to be treated fairly, to be left in peace and savour even just a tiny drop of happiness.

I should be her comfort, her fortress, the stronghold, yet I confronted her with aggression. I should be the one falling down on my knees and begging for forgiveness, yet I was the one avoiding her, running away from her. How was I supposed to show face? It cannot be undone.

All made up excuses just to not attend the same classes we have I have spewn shamelessly, ran to a different direction upon sensing her presence nearby. And even if confrontation happens, I quickly turn away and never look back. I run not because I was guilty... The heavens know I have absolutely no intention to kiss Dana. I flee because the memories of that hideous night torments me, and I wish not to be reminded some more. I hate myself enough.

I miss her. But I don't have the heart to see those gray eyes filled with pain, disappointment and regret.

She never deserved any of this sufferings shoved down her throat for simply breathing. And she does not deserve me, a monster in the making.

I thought I was dreaming when I caught a whiff of her raspberry scent, and when I opened my eyes, she was standing at the doorway, her eyes fixated on my carpeted floor.

Most days were like these, when a heavenly mirage in the form of her appears at random corners of my room, and once I come forth wanting to feel her in my grasp, she dissipates into nothingness that dug in the depths of my fragile imagination.

I rushed towards her like a mad man ready to dive in an oasis in the middle of the desert, only to find it was imaginary. I waited for her form to vanish as she always did in my days of hibernation. My dreams, consumed by her, and I was slowly getting used to her suddenly dissolving as my mind plays tricks on me.

God, I miss her.

But this was real. She was really standing there. Like a rocket to the moon, I launched myself in mere milliseconds, my icy hands eager for her delicious warmth. My sudden action made her gasp and stagger backwards, her whole body trembled from fear.

My greatest fear... Mia being frightened of me.

Embarrassed beyond belief, I skidded to a stop and dropped my arms to my sides, and inserted my hands in my pockets to prevent myself from reaching for her. I wanted to run, but unlike in crowded places or desserted corridors, I cannot reroute, I cannot escape. In the end, I had nowhere to run to.

Only to her.

"I'm sorry, I'm just surprised to see you."

Still avoiding my gaze, she replied, "You weren't attending your classes, so I just wanted to give you these notes."

Awkwardly, she loosened her clutch on the notebook that was pressed hard against her chest, handing it to me in outstretched arms that slightly trembled. But instead of getting it, my palms skimmed through her bare arms and my fingers, out of instincts, coiled around them. A soft intake of breath escaped her quivering lips as she began to pull away, but I didn't let her. My busy hands held her in place, and even if I did put my finger under her chin to make her look at me, it will kill me to see what I have dreaded to see. Yet, I needed her.

"Mia, please look at me."

And I was right. Her teary eyes met mine, and I was wrecked by a thousand cannonballs.

The spark in her gray eyes spoke not of longing, nor love, but of fright and sorrow. I felt my soul shatter to the core. What have I done, indeed.

I let her slip away from me as warm tears smeared my clutching claws, and she lowered her head to hide her misery.

Mia was so broken. And I caused it.

It took me some time to process her actions, only to find I was to slow to notice her rummaging inside her pocket, a silvery mist swaying right in my face, the lights blurring the familiar form as it swings slightly from her grasp. As my finger came in contact with it, its hardness and smoothness caught me by surprise.

Her fairy charm bracelet.

"I was supposed to give it to you at the party. It's my most prized possesion, a piece of my parents' romance, a representation of myself. You'll be graduating soon, and I know you'll be moving out after to pursue your dreams. I wanted you to take this with you when you leave, so you won't forget my love for you..."

She took my hand, and in my open palm she carefully filled the surface with the jewelry, and curled my fingers around it. As she did, more tears fell on my closed fist.

"I'm still giving it to you. I'm so angry at you. I'm in disbelief that you did it, but still I'm here. I'm giving myself to you willingly Because I can't see myself living this life without you. I can't see myself loving anyone else but you. God, Yoongi. What have you done to me."

I pulled her roughly and wrapped my arms around her. It was the only sensible thing to do. The slight resistance was evident but eventually she gave in, and she let her head fall on my shoulder, her tears crashing around us.

"I never wanted to hurt you, believe me. It may sound absurd, but Dana made the first move. I never kissed her back-"

"I know, Yoongi. She told me everything, and apologized..."

I knew one day, all the hurtful things I did to those poor girls would backfire. And it did. I had expect Poly or one of them would do this to me, but Dana, and to stoop this low, especially when she's the most sought after in the entire school and can easily replace me for someone far better, to say I was shocked was a bit of an understatement.

Maybe she did want me back, maybe her love for me is still there...

"I wanted to stay mad at you, Yoongi." Her tiny fists made faint thumps on my chests as she attempts to beat me up, but in the end her fingers curled to get a handful of my shirt. "But you're just so kind to me... I kept thinking why you'd try to hurt me, but maybe I did something to hurt you as well... And I just can't let you go... You're my saviour."

I chuckled at her ambivalence. "Your regard for me seems ludicrous. I'm a monster. A viscious animal who almost devoured you."

"Maybe I was at fault from the very beginning..."

I let out the most frustrated sigh. "I need you to listen to me, love. No one has the right to ever hurt anyone that way. For whatever reason. You understand me?"

Her pitiful eyes drowning in sorrow met mine, still questioning herself, still doubting, yet she nodded as if she understood it clearly.

"Yoongi. I need you to do something, please..."

"Anything, love."

Mia's fingers released my shirt as she slowly slithered her arms to lock around my neck. Her eyes fixed on mine, inch by inch her lips moved closer to brush against mine, and each intake of her scent intoxicates me, binding me by her spell, making me her doll to command. Her soft, cherry lips grazing, her warm and shaky breath prepping for what's to come... It surely woke up the belly butterflies that stay dormant, and now they're fluttering and going crazy as she pressed her lips to mold perfectly against mine. The sweet throb it created crawled to my now oversensitive senses... I was more than alive!

"Yoongi..." she said against my lips, her tone hinting nervousness yet confident.

"Tell me, love. Tell me what you want me to do."

Her hands trembled as she cupped my face. Her face glistening with the waterfall of tears.

"Please, chase my monsters away."

My eyes narrowed, my ears seemed to malfunction as I cannot comprehend anything. And when I did not respond, she pressed on.

"Make love to me, Yoongi."