Save Me Break Me || MYG

The Memories Thirty Two - Cold Autumn Rain

If only she had closed her eyes, I would believe that it was nothing to her, that I meant nothing. If only she had avoided locking her eyes with mine, I would let her walk away and accept her fabricated lies. Yet again, those gray orbs drowning in supressed tears, those beautiful gray eyes burning my soul, each teardrop filled with dissapointment, betrayal, heartbreak.

The fact that she didn't try to fight, nor raise her voice at me hit so hard at how badly I screwed up, how deeply hurt she was. What hurts more than anything in an argument of two people is lack of response or total silence from the other end.

Numerous times I called her name, but she would not spare me a glance. She had no intention to stop getting away from me, to put great distance between us as she sprinted faster, heading towards the gates to escape from me. I had no other choice but to disrespect her personal space, ran after her and wrap my arms around her, secretly hoping she could feel how my heart beats incessantly for her.

The heavens must have felt her pain, as cold autumn rain started to fall. Gripping her as tight as I could, I forced her to listen to everything I've got to say, saying it as loud and clear as I can.

"I love you, Mia. I love you so much."

It was my last card, last resort, last bait to get to her. That was before I realized I was truly falling for her, not just to slake the lust for the chase. At this moment, those words came from a healing heart, carefully sewn together by another broken heart, Mia patched the rips and tears left by a tragic ending.

"I love you." My heart spoke.

Her body began to shake, her words inaudible, tears mixing with the falling rain.

"Let me go, Yoongi."

"No, not until you listen to me, with your heart. I love you. I always have."

She slowly broke free from my embrace to face me. She was laughing, mocking me.

"You love me? I know exactly what you want from me. You think I can't read every single gesture, or how your mind works? Well guess what, I can. I can see each time your eyes darken. I'm surprised you haven't jumped on me yet. But you know what? I would gladly give it to you, knowing you would only hurt me eventually, just like he did."

"Mia, that no- who's he- no wait, that's not what I was d-"

"No. It's your turn to listen to me. I knew from the beginning you were bad news. And I'm a bigger idiot for letting you in to my life, even admitting to myself that I feel for you. It wasn't supposed to happen, but it just did, I fell for you not knowing the reason why, I just did. God, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. And I was lying to myself that you like me the way I want you to. But you don't deserve me. I thought I could delay my truth from coming out, but I guess I can't"

I tried to come closer to her, but she backed away.

"I'm not as pure as you think I am, Yoongi. You don't have any idea how badly I want to turn myself into one of those girls you flirt with, those girls you sleep with, those girls who doesn't flinch nor shy away from your touch. How badly I want to give in and just give you what you want, but who am I to offer myself, defiled and damaged beyond repair."

Each word that came out of her mouth pierced me. I was afraid to hear the rest of her story, but she continued on.

"I've been burning in hell long before, and not even the purest raindrops can cleanse my filthy soul."

"Mia, please-"

"I was raped, Yoongi! He forced himself into me, with a knife at my neck. And he wasn't even satisfied, he plunged it into me, he thought he killed me," her shaky hand grabbed the hem of her blouse, lifted it to reveal a long, red scar above her navel, smaller cuts all over her abdomen.

"Oh god..." My hand automatically covered my mouth.

"So, you see, even if we turn the world upside down, I don't deserve you. You don't deserve a dirty girl like me,"

"Stop it. Just stop!"

"I'm so disgusted with myself. So please, just stay away from me. I don't want you in my life. I don't want to fall deeper for you."

My feet stayed planted on the ground, ignoring the cold rain. She slowly stepped backwards, then spoke again.

"Emily wouldn't want you to end up with someone like me."

What does she mean?

"Mia, what do you mean?"

She shook her head, turned and ran away, leaving me continuously drenched in the downpour, completely dumbfounded. Lost. Afraid.