Huminga ako ng malalim. Do I really need to do this?
According to my Psychologist to overcome this fear of mine I need to deal with my fear in a normal way. Kung kaharap ko daw yung tao dapat matuto akong kumalma at dapat hindi ako mag isip ng mga nakakatakot para hindi lalo matrigger ang panic attack ko.
Kanina pako nag iisip habang nakatingin sa babaeng nasa tabi kona busy magsulat sa papel to explain to me the problem in our lesson for today. Hindi ko alam kung nakalimutan na nya yung huli namin pag uusap sa labas ng school dahil hindi naman sya awkward kumilos.
".....you need to..... and this number should be.... "
Walang akong maintindihan. Ngayon kolang narealized she have a soft voice. The way her body move and her hands it's so very feminine for a girl at her age. Nilagay nya ang ilang hibla ng buhok nya sa likod ng tainga nya.
"Did you get it? " - she asked at biglang tumingin sakin.
Nagsalubong ang kilay nya ng hindi ko sya sinagot.
"Earth to Billie! "- she snap in front of me. Natigil ako sa pagtunganga. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa papel na nasa center table.
Lots of numbers and equation but I don't understand any of it.
"Are you listening? "
"Ahm.. Uh y-yes"- nainis na napapikit ako. Why did I stuttered?!
She arc her perfectly shaped eye brow.
"Kung oo, then answer the problem no. 2"
What the?! Kung kelan hindi ako nakinig saka ako magsasagot?
"Come on Billie answer it. I'll be watching you kung talagang nakinig ka sakin"
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa ballpen. I breath in and out in a normal way as possible.
She's going to hurt you if you do it wrong said by a little voice in my head.
No she won't. I won't let her.
She will. She's your bully remember?
No she can't hurt me anymore.
I close my eyes to calm my nerves. Pinilig ko ang ulo ko sa kabilang side para mawala kung ano man yung naiisip kong hindi maganda.
"You know what? I won't do it"- I said as soon as I open my eyes.
Nilapag ko ang notebook at ballpen ko sa center table.
"I thought you knew? "
"I don't. Wala akong naintindihan sa lahat ng sinabi mo. I guess you can't tutor me well"- I said.
Hindi naman makapaniwalang tinignan nya ako.
"What did you say? "
She will hurt you Billie.. Now that you provoke her...
She won't!
Seryoso ang tingin nya sakin. Panic slowly crept inside of me. Will she hit me like before?
Tumayo ako pero pinigilan nya ako sa paghawak sa siko ko.
"No! "- I exclaimed and forcibly push her pahiga sa couch. Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa balikat nya.
"What the! What are you doing? "- gulat na tanong nya at sinusubukan tanggalin ang pagkakahawak ko sa balikat nya.
"You can't hurt me! You can't!! I won't let you hit me again!!! "- I said through gritted teeth habang padiin ng padiin ang hawak sa kanya.
"Billie calm down you're hurting me"- she said as she tried to push me so that she could sit but I didn't move a bit. That's why she ended up touching my face na syang ikinatigil ko.
Slowly her hands touch my jaw up to my cheeks and slowly stroke it using her thumbs.
"Calm down... "- she said in a soft voice.
My tight grip on her loosen a bit. Kunot ang nuo na tumingin ako sa mga mata nya. I can see emotion in her eyes but I can't name it.
Foreign feeling crept in me. My heart beat suddenly beat fast not because of panic or fear but because of something new.. A feeling of being calm and excited or let's say joyful?
Umalis ako sa itaas nya at bumalik sa pagkakaupo ako. Habang sya naman ay naupo habang hinihimas ng bahagya ang balikat nya.
"Geezz for sure may pasa nanaman ako"- she said.
Sa hindi malaman na kadahilanan umangat ang kamay ko at hinawi ang kamay nya para mahawi ko ang telang tumatakip sa balikat nya.
"What are you--- Hey Billie!! "- she asked surprised dahil binaba ko ang damit nya sa balikat.
Swollen skin revealed before me. Ang ibang pasa ay magaling na at ngayon namumula pa ito dahil sa higpit ng hawak ko sa kanya kanina
Agad naman nyang tinaas iyon. She cleared her throat.
"I think it's better if we cut out lesson for today. "
"Does it hurt? "- I asked instead.
"Huh?"
"Your shoulders "- sabi ko at umiwas ng tingin. I inflicted her pain and now I'm asking her if it's hurt? Seryoso kaba Billie?!
"Oh that? Well to be honest yes. But it's alright kasi sabi mo nga it's nothing compared to the pain I caused you 3 years ago" - sabi nya habang nagliligpit ng gamit.
Tahimik ko lang syang pinagmasdan.
Naglalaro sa isip ko ang naramdaman ko kanina ng hawakan nya ang aking mukha.
Posible bang maging dahilan ng pagkalma mo ang taong dahilan ng takot mo?
"Let's call it a day. Next time mag focus ka sa sinasabi ko at wag kadin ---- wait what are you doing? "
Gulat syang nakatingin sa kamay kong nakahawak sa kamay nya.
"This is impossible"- I whispered to myself.
"Ahm Billie---"
"Tell me I'm wrong please. "
"If you're talking about our lesson for today well then yes you are wrong"
Umiling ako sa kanya.
"No that's not it"
"Then what? "- she asked confused.
I let go of her hand at nauna nakong tumayo sa kanya.
Nahiya dahil sa ginawa ko sa kanya.
"Never mind. Take care on your way back home"- I said and go to the front door to open it.
She glance at me "See you next time".She said bago tuluyan lumabas.
As soon as she get inside of her car saka ko lang sinara ang pinto.
I end up leaning on it for a while dahil naramdaman kona naman ang kakaibang tibok ng puso ko.
I swear this is not really about my fear anymore.
BINABASA MO ANG
My Tutor was my Bully
Romance"You caused me pain and fear before.." - Billie whispered to the girl in front of her. "I-Im sorry.. I'm so sorry Billie"- she replied "It's okay... I love you anyway" Billie Dela Vega once a victim of bullying nuong sophomore year nya. But what w...
