Man up, Beam!

10. You don't understand

               Time seemed to stop for Kit. He was stunned and confused as hell. He came here expecting to hear something like this but actually hearing those words from Beam was too overwhelming for Kit. Even though Kit was worried about Beam's disappearance, these four days without him gave enough time for Kit to think things through. He dint know what Beam was going through but he had a fair idea on Beam's fear. After all who knew Beam better than Kit.

                Kit was agitated and speechless now. He had come here hoping to have a matured conversation with Beam but now he felt like a coward wanting to run away from there. Kit thought that Beam was probably confused about his feelings. He thought that may be Beam was just feeling lonely again. May be Phana getting a boyfriend and Ming courting him probably confused him. May be because Phana started spending too much time Wayo since he started dating and Kit being unable to spend enough time with him like before due to exams and labs probably made Beam think that he had been left alone. May be just the protective side of Beam kicking in after listening to Ming's past relationship stories. It could be anything..like anything...except what he heard from Beam now.

             'Because..damn Beam is straight', Kit screamed in his mind and he could bring more than a hundred girls to prove this.

              Beam waited patiently for Kit to say something. But Kit was still frozen and Beam shifted uncomfortably in his place.

           "You..you are straight" Kit managed to say visibly shaken. "..right?" he continued confused.

            Beam let out a sarcastic chuckle, "Yeah straight..apparently very straight towards you", he whispered.

            Kit rubbed his temples with his fingers trying to calm himself.

           "Beamie..do you even know what you are talking right now?" Kit tried to be gentle. He didn't want Beam to cry again breaking his resolve.

             Beam smiled sadly, "Do you think I am probably mistaken or confused?" he asked reading what Kit was thinking.

             Kit nodded hastily, "It's okay to be confused Beam..this happens..you should.." Kit tried explaining but Beam just chucked again clearly not amused.

             "Three years is too long to stay confused Kitty..don't you think?" Beam asked gripping his knees.

         "Three...three years?" Kit stuttered nervously, "From when exactly?" Kit asked slowly.

         "From high school.." Beam answered which made Kit gasp.

          "That long.." Kit asked surprised. "Why dint you tell me?"

         "I was a coward..as you said", Beam replied.

         "What were you scared about? Rejection? Oh God..you are the Beam Baramee....I thought you are better than that", Kit sounded disappointed now.

         "You are all I had Kit. Just you and Phana. I was ashamed at myself for having such thoughts towards you. It felt like I was betraying you..your friendship. After all the care and affection you showed me, I couldn't bring myself to say this to you", Beam said with a shaky voice tears welling up in his eyes again.

         Kit was finding it difficult to breath as Beam continued talking. The Beam he knew was not this weak. He used to be brimming with confidence all the time. He was so aware of his own charm that none of the girls he flirted with escaped his appeal. 

        "You played around", Kit stated the fact in an even colder tone.

          "Yes..I chose the worst way possible to distract myself and seems like I failed miserably", Beam said trying to wipe away the tears that dint seem to stop flowing however he tried.

         "And what made you confess now? Ming?" Kit asked irritated.

          "No..not Ming..its was you. Fear of loosing you made me do that", Beam said hurt evident on his face.

         "But you cheered for Ming. You even encouraged Ming. You always left me alone with him", Kit accused vehemently.

          "I dint actually believe you would fall for him, Kit. Then I thought you are better off with him than with an asshole like me", Beam replied. "But it hurts more than I thought it would", Beam said in between his sobs.

          "Is that why u said we are dating to Ming and Phana?", Kit inquired.

            Again Beam shook his head as no, "After listening to his past, I was worried that you would get hurt. I was afraid that whatever he felt for you might be just curiosity and once his curiosity was over he would hurt you like he did to his ex girlfriends".

         "I had a girlfriend back then. What if I had not broken up with her?" Kit asked.

          "I was genuinely happy for you and Pin, Kit. I would never come in between you and who ever you choose." Beam said sincerely.

        "So..if you were not drunk that night...I mean..if you were sober would you have confessed to me?" Kit asked hesitating.

         Beam shook his head in denial, "I would never. I would rather kill myself than hurt you, Kit"

          "Woww.." Kit exclaimed loudly before hiding his face with his palms. Beam looked at Kit's petite body that sat near his door with his elbows on his laps and palms covering his face. He furrowed his eyebrows frowning when he saw a slight movement from Kit's shoulders. His frown soon turned to shock as he realized that Kit was actually crying silently.

          Beam moved towards Kit immediately and kneeled in front of him. "Kit..Kit I am sorry..I am so sorry Kit...I dint mean to hurt you kit..but I couldn't hide this anymore...Kit please stop crying..please kitty please..", Beam began begging but that just made Kit cry even more loudly.

         Unable to bear it anymore, Beam held Kit's shoulders and shook him gently. But he dint expect Kit to push him with such force that he lost balance and fell back on the floor.

         "Fuck you Beam..", Kit yelled still crying.

            Beam crawled towards Kit and kneeled in front of him again. He pressed his hands together in front of his chest as if praying, "I am really sorry Kit. Please forgive me. I know I am not worthy of your love. But..but please don't hate me Kit. Please ..." Beam sobbed pitifully.

          "I know I am asking for too much. After this mess I don't even deserve to be your friend. But please Kit, give me a chance. I..I will behave myself. I will talk to Ming. I will tell him it was just an act, I will explain everything to him Kit. Please stop crying. Please".

           "Shut up...shut up now..", Kit pressed his hands over his ears now trying not to listen to Beam's pleads. He stood up from where he sat and started walking towards the door. Beam got up and ran behind him . He held Kit's wrist and stopped him from going further. By then they were both standing in the middle of the living room near the three seater sofa.

          "I understand if you hate me Kit..but..please Kit, give me one chance" Beam pleaded.

           "You understand? Really?.." Kit paused, "No..you don't understand Beam. You don't understand anything at all. You have never understood. Not even once..". Kit grabbed Beam's shirt collar pulling Beam towards him, "Even now you don't understand Beam..do you?" Kit said looking tearfully at Beam when realization hit Beam like a thunderbolt and he stood there frozen.

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