Man up, Beam!

8. Its now or never

               Kit was never a fan of driving, he liked to sit comfortably in passenger seat looking out of window at the people passing by at the road side. He usually drove his car to university and gym, but most of the time he would just tag along with Beam or Phana. If it was going to be long drive, then Kit liked to simply sleep through the journey. 

              Driving was boring to Kit and maintaining his car was more difficult than exam block for him. He remembered the time when Ming helped him outside gym when his car gave up and he breathed out guiltily for leaving Ming with Phana at the bar. But he dint have a choice, he had to leave and he was sure his bestfriend would take care of his boyfriend's bestfriend.

              It was two hours past midnight and Kit had already been driving for an hour and half now. He checked his GPS to make sure he was on the right path and sped up. "Fuck.." he cursed out aloud as he realized he had to drive for two more hours to reach his destination. He dint have a proper dinner yet today except for snacks he had Wayo's room. He was tired and his hands had started aching with the continuous driving. 

              "Wait till I get my hands on your throat..you little shit..I will make you pay for making me go through this.. asshole" Kit muttered to himself.

                Kit stopped at a gas station on the way to refill the tank and walked into the small 24x7 convenience store nearby the gas station. He bought himself a packed sandwich and water bottle to have on the way. He checked his phone and found angry messages from Phana scolding him for ditching him and warning him to bring back his car in one piece without a scratch. The asshole loved his car too much. He quickly typed a reply that he is almost there and requested to cover for them the next day in class. 

            'another half an hour...', Kit thought to himself.

           Kit got on the driver's seat and buckled his seat belt. He looked ahead down the dark road and shivered a little before starting his car. Driving at night on a deserted highway alone is not fun at all, it was scary. He just wanted to have a drink, clear his mind and sleep. Talking with Phana eased his mind to an extent but his heart...it needed answers. 

             As he said to Phana, initially Kit wanted to avoid the entire situation. For him it was the easiest way. He could just avoid and turn blind eye to whatever happened but doing that in real time seemed impossible. Then Kit decided to wait, for things to turn normal, for things to fade away slowly with time. But everything crumbled when he saw Ming drunk at the bar.

            It felt so alien to Kit. Holding Ming's arm or even touching him was never comfortable for Kit to begin with. With Beam, it felt so natural that night. Was it because they have been together for so many years and touching each other was quite common between them, Kit tried to convince himself. 

            'Alright touching was a common thing between them but what about the kiss. That's not something friends do right?', Kit's inner voice questioned him. And to think that Kit actually responded to the kiss made Kit tremble even now. It was as if the touch lingered on his lips as a permanent itch which he could never ignore even if he tried.

            Kit was quiet rattled by that night's events but what disturbed him more was the image of Beam crying. Every time Kit would close his eyes, he could see the pain in Beam's eyes. Kit grew more and more restless with every passing minute that he felt tortured, and not to mention the sleepless nights he had. He would stay awake the whole night listening to every sound coming from outside his room, trying to distinguish the sound that he wanted to hear. But Beam was not a loud person. The only sound Kit ever heard from next door was the sound of door being opened and closed and the sound of soft music which Beam often played. Kit would jump every time he heard the noise of any door. He wanted to run out and confront Beam if he was there. But he would just curl himself under the duvet chanting, "not today...not now...".

            Kit dint plan this at all. Being holed up in his room with all these confusing thoughts made him jittery and sick. Hence he called Phana to help him study so that he could distract himself. But he must have known that none of this would help anyway however he tried. He needed answers but he dint think about the questions at all. 

            Kit just made up his mind on the spur of the moment and took Phana's car keys before running away. He was always like this, act rashly, spit out something stupid and then regret later. Thinking back Kit was not even sure of what he needed to ask now. How simple things would be if we could just see a person and read what's on their mind, thought Kit.

          Kit always paid attention to Beam but he could never figure out what was on Beam's mind. It was always like this, Beam being unreadable. Unlike Kit, Beam was good at masking his feelings behind his teasing smile. One could never find out if Beam was happy, sad, angry or lonely until and unless Beam himself said it aloud. Even now, after being together for so many years made no much difference. If Beam dint want him or Phana to know what he feels, then no matter how hard they tried, they will never get a word out of Beam. That's how closed of a person Beam was.

           Kit heaved a sigh in relief as he saw a large iron gate come into his vision. Kit stopped the car in front of the gate and got out from the car. He shivered a little when cold air hit his face. He stood near the gate and studied the two storey house in front of him. He had been here twice before during their school days. It was Beam's grand parent's house from his mother's side. He knew Beam came here whenever he was feeling down or lonely. He craned his neck to check if anyone was inside but it was completely dark. There was no light on in any of the rooms inside or outside the house. Kit doubted if Beam was actually here here until he saw Beam's car near the garden.

         "Its now or never Kittinan.." Kit told himself, took deep breaths and opened the large iron gate.

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