The Escape

Ch. 23 - Secret Spot

*I was given inspiration for this chapter from @lavendersign so thank you. This chapter will discuss the not so nice topics of self-harm, suicide, depression, and anxiety. You have been warned.*

Lucy POV

Mom's know about me having anxiety and that I have to take medication to control it. They don't know about all of my struggles with anxiety. Anxiety controlled my whole life, and in some ways, it still does.

It still controls my life, because if it didn't, mom's would know exactly what I was thinking about right now.

When I was still being abused daily, I self-harmed... a lot. I even thought about killing myself on multiple occasions. Obviously since Mom found me on a bridge getting ready to jump.

Something they don't know about me was that I use to cut myself. I didn't really have to purposely starve myself, my biological mother did that plenty. I still get tempted to cut myself. I would cut my thighs mostly, especially when I was younger because it was easier to hide the scars.

Moms haven't asked about those scars yet, and I know they have seen them. However, since they are so faded, they may think that someone else inflicted them on me instead of myself.

You are probably wondering why I would harm myself if I was already being abused. It's not that simple. I never wanted to harm myself, it just was the only thing that would release the pressure and sadness that I was experiencing in my life.

This was something that I had control of, no one else was doing it to me, I had a say, until it became too much.

The last time I had cut myself, I was 18 and already graduated from high school. Mother was gone and I cut too deep. I only had one friend left, and when I wouldn't answer her calls, she came to check on me.

She found me unconscious in my bathroom floor with blood pouring out of my leg. She called 911 and I had to stay in a mental facility for a few days until I finally convinced them that I wouldn't harm myself. Shortly after she made sure I was alright, I had never heard from her again.

To say Mother wasn't happy would be an understatement. I wasn't there to clean the house for her, to cook for her, to continue to entertain her guests. I received such a harsh beating the night that I returned that I couldn't physically walk for two days.

I have been having the thoughts again, to harm myself. I don't know why since everything is good right now, but I just can't get them to stop. I want to talk to moms because I know they will still love me and help me, but my anxiety is too controlling. I feel trapped.

I know if I cut myself nothing will be the same. I will live in fear of mom's finding out and me disappointing them. I will live in fear that I will cut too deep again and that I will hurt my mom's.

What I need to do is something I haven't gotten to do in a really long time. Go to my spot.

Mom is at work right now and I'm at home with Mama. I technically can be little since I finished all of my school work for this week, but I don't want to be because I need to go to my spot..

I go to the living room after I get dressed so I can head out, but I want to check with Mama first.

"Hey Mama?" She looks up at me from the couch when I call out to her.

She cocks her head to the side, "Are you going somewhere baby?"

I take a deep breath in before asking the dreadful question, "Can I go out somewhere? Alone?"

Mama pulls me over to her and gives me a concerned look, "How big are you right now?"

"Twenty Mama." I replied to her honestly.