Then Helen, Zeus' daughter, thought of something else.
She quickly dropped into the wine they were enjoying
a drug which eased men's pains and irritations,
making them forget their troubles. A drink of this,
once mixed in with wine, would guarantee no man
would let a tear fall on his cheek for one whole day,
not even if his mother and his father died,
or if, in his own presence, men armed with swords
hacked down his brother or his son, as he looked on.
-- Odyssey, Homer
For countless times, those passages made me wonder if there was such a drug. My eyes ran those lines again and again, as if I haven't read the book for the tenth time in the last three and a half years. Although it's an epic, others debated whether the drug existed. Some say it was opium but I say it was bullshit because I still feel everything.
From what I saw,
Who I'm with,
What I did,
to how it went.
I kept all of it hidden all these years, thinking that it would somehow go away but it haunted my unconsciousness. The memories became nightmares, multiplied to different scenarios that kept me awake at night.
Out of all the new things I felt because of my new found freedom, happiness became a tricky emotion. It's hard to feel something you barely got a hold on to. And it always came with being uncomfortable, like I'm not allowed to feel it. I'm still not at peace with the fact that I sacrificed one of my remaining friends to get to this point.
Happiness is not an option nor a privilege I'm comfortable taking in.
Cursed with undying photographic memories, I sometimes wished I died with those that I loved, other times to undo everything and pretended to follow the ORG's orders. Sometimes I regret everything, other times thankful that we got out of that shithole.
This is more or less the life I expected for myself if I survived that mess but not this aimless and bewildered. I wish they were the exact opposite position as I am.
P.S: I just don't want to be angry anymore. Because every time I feel it, it also felt like I'm losing myself and I don't know how I got back each time. I scared that when the time comes, I'll never be able to pull myself together.
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A/N: This is the book two of Viper and will be updated by 2021 or 2022. If you know the author very well, see you until then. :)
