Curved Edges ✔

(17) Ama's Attention

♡ AMA

Fuck! Why am I so emotional all of a sudden. I don't want to be. I need time to myself to figure out what I feel. I don't want to cry right now. And X looks so guilty it kills me. He needs to know I started the whole thing, but Mona's here and... I scream internally and feel Mona's arm wrap around me. She's amazing. She always knows when my feelings are getting the best of me.

I'm not good with feelings. That's not entirely true, I'm great with how I feel about Mona and how she makes me feel. But when it comes to men, I prefer seducing them and leaving it at that. I don't want to let them in, I can't. I'm afraid to let anyone in. Because that means stuff will come out too. And I don't know how to love someone without getting hurt.

Loving someone hurts in every which way. So it's a lot easier to not love anyone. Take what happened between X and me. I love him. As a friend, maybe even as a brother. But we ended up being hurt and putting the relationship with our best friends on the line. This is really getting to me and a tear rolls down my cheek.

Mona hugs me and whispers: "Just let the thoughts out Am. Don't keep them inside."

I wipe my cheek angrily and let the words fall out. "I instigated the whole thing with X. It felt amazing to wake up with someone who actually wants me. I don't know about Noah. I don't want to know. I... I think I could like him, a lot. But I'm scared. I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to feel something for anyone new. I don't!"

I sob and lose my last bit of self-control. I feel another arm wrap around me and look at X through a veil of tears. He puts his hand on my cheek and wipes my tears away with the pad of his thumb. He looks deep into my eyes and says: "Yes, you do. And you should. You deserve the love of someone like Noah." I cry even harder and fall into Mona's arms.

I cry my heart out and cling to Mona, to my anchor who manages to keep me in the here and now. Every single time. When I've shed my last tear and I can breathe again, I lean my head back against the tree and sigh. I hear someone pour something in a cup and open my eyes, slowly lowering my head. X hands me a cup and says shyly: "Earl grey."

Mona looks at him and says: "You're going to be an amazing husband someday. But for now, I'm glad you're Ama's friend. That was a beautiful thing to say. And so true." 

She looks at me and says: "You deserve someone like Noah. You deserve to be loved by more people than just us two idiots. But take your time. Train with him, find out who he is as a friend. There's no rush to figure it all out."

She tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear and says: "But don't you dare close the door to your heart. It might allow feelings to escape when you leave it ajar but it also allows love and light in that way. Besides, bad stuff has to come out to make room for good things." I can't believe my ears. They are both so sweet and balanced.

I wish I was that way. But I don't have their parents. I do borrow them sometimes though. They are wonderful people. Their dad is always joking around at home, but strict and a little scary at work. He loves with all his heart and isn't afraid to show it. Their mom is like a mix of Maya Angelou, Oprah, and Mother Theresa. Kind to a fault and always has something wise to say to make you feel better.

They have always welcomed me into their home and never made me feel like I was intruding. I just became part of their family. Their dad even took me and Mona to the father-daughter dance. He danced with us both and looked so proud to be there.

I have a picture of it that has a special place in my home. It's on my nightstand and the first thing I see in the morning. It's everything I wish the world could be, 3 different skin tones, 3 different backgrounds, no blood relation, but all the love you could ever need.

I look from X to Mona and ask: "Is your dad barbecuing again tonight?"

Mona grins and X says: "Yes! Are you joining us?"

"I'd love to. If it's-" Mona puts her hand over my mouth. She shakes her head and I chuckle. She knows exactly what I was about to say. She takes her hand away and winks. I know very well their parents would love to have me there.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I take it out to look at it. It's a message from an unknown number. He read my letter! My heart beats a little faster and I open the message.

Dearest Ama, I'm in awe of your letter. I don't even have anything cool to say. Not that I ever have something cool to say when you are near. Anyway, I would still love to be your personal trainer. How are you on time? Any time of day you prefer? Noah.

I smile at my screen and X pokes me in my ribs. "Are you talking to a lover we don't know about?"

I shake my head and softly say: "Noah. He read my letter. And still wants to be my personal trainer."

♡♡♡

That was Ama's POV.
I might have made myself cry with it.
Maybe.

What do you think about it all?
And do you want Noah's POV now? Or next week?

XO Hankie

♡