Curved Edges ✔

(113) Feli's Future Past II

♡ FELI

I drag myself to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. I'm so glad Fae had a sleepover at Nicky's cause I don't want her to see me this way. I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror right now, knowing what I will see. I will see hurt, longing, loneliness... weakness.

And I am not weak. I will never be weak. I've achieved everything by working hard, every single day. And that's what I want to teach Fae. Be kind and work hard. Be strong. 

I pour the coffee into my favorite mug with my little Fae's cute face on it and hoist myself up on the counter, swaying my feet as I sip the dark, soothing liquid, waking me up slowly. 

My thoughts wander to Anthony and I put my mug down, jumping off the counter to get my phone from the nightstand.

I immediately open Facebook to look at his pictures again and that's when I notice a message. My heart skips a beat and I'm tempted to throw my phone out of the window. 

Yeah, I know it's silly. But I'm so scared he will ask me who I am. That he won't remember me.

I basically run back to the kitchen and down my coffee. The hot liquid burns my throat and I cough, scolding myself for my behavior. I'm acting like a teenager. It's insane.

I take a deep breath and say out loud: "You are Felicienne; Fabulous, Friendly, Fierce, Flexible, Frisky, Feline. Meow!"

I giggle and open the message on Facebook, my brain incapable of connecting the words I read to my emotions.

My beautiful Feli,

I'm glad my pictures please you.
A broken heart is wonderful fuel for fierce workouts.
I really went for it when I got back here in The Netherlands.

You kept the letter? All this time?
Please keep it safe. There's a piece of my heart in those words.

Are you planning a big party for Fae?
And would you allow me to come this time?

Do you still have the same phone number?

Never stopped.

Xx Anthony

I stare at the words and can't believe what I'm seeing. He's so calm and cool about it. As if the three years between us have been a week. He casually mentions his broken heart and then just continues. 

Could he? Maybe... 

He's probably just being kind.

My phone starts ringing and I drop it on the floor. I stare down at the screen showing me an unknown number and kneel down next to it.

"I'm Felicienne", I whisper to myself.

I pick up, "Hi."

His deep voice sounds so close that I feel a tingle in my nose as my eyes well up. 

Don't cry Feli. 

Don't.

"Hi, beautiful. I guess you still have the same number. When I saw you read my message, I told myself to go for it. But if you don't want to hear my voice I'll hang up, okay?"

His accent is a lot less, but still there in certain words. His voice still has the same effect on me. It wraps around me like a warm, fuzzy blanket, making me feel safe and protected. 

Only his voice has ever done that to me. Male voices are still a trigger sometimes in certain situations. His voice never was.

He falls silent cause I haven't said a word yet, lost in the emotions his voice provoked in me. I close my eyes and imagine him with me. 

"Please keep talking Anthony. I missed hearing your voice so much."

I hear him smile and can't help the smile in my heart and on my lips. I really missed him a lot. It's like my heart and soul were only working on half of their capacity and his voice, his words, his love are charging my battery. Fast.

"Feli, why did you reach out now? I've thought about you and Fae every day. The times I messaged you, I missed you two so much it hurt."

I get up and lay down on the bed, putting him on speaker and answering him with my heart, the words that I tried to keep down for three years spilling out.

"I've missed you all this time. I never stopped loving you. You are the only man I ever loved. And my friends are all finding their happiness, Fae is getting older... I should have never let you go. But I thought I was doing the right thing... I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry Feli. You did do the right thing. My grandma died 3 days after I arrived home. I got to say goodbye to her thanks to you. I got to listen to her wisdom and lock it in my heart forever thanks to you.

I needed to be back here. Needed to reconnect with my family, with my roots. But I never stopped thinking of you and Fae. I believe we had something unique. Something you only find once in your lifetime. I love you Feli. Still. Forever will."

I can't believe he's saying the same words he wrote to me three years ago. Could it be true? Could the love still be there? After all this time?

I take a deep breath and let it all sink in. My voice cracks when the thoughts in my brain connect to my heart to form the words. "I think it was the right thing for me too. Maybe I needed this time apart to realize how much I truly loved you. It was too much to believe back then. I wanted you to live freely, enjoy being young and free. Did you?"

"I did. Out of anger mostly but I did. I've lived wild and free. Only to crash and burn. But I ran into a woman who helped me up. Made me look at myself and the life I was living."

I gasp and angrily wipe the tears from my eyes. 

You stupid woman. Of course he's not single. A guy like that. 

I hear the words engaged and end the call, tears streaming down my face, pain so deep that I can't catch my breath. I never should have reached out. I'm hurting even more now than I was three years ago.

I rush into my bathroom and get my shower going, making sure it's scorching hot. Ripping my thong off and stepping under the water, hissing as the drops burn my skin. Covering my face with my hands as I curl up into a ball on the floor, the water pelting me like tiny rocks, not able to distract me from the pain in my bleeding heart. 

♡♡♡

I'm sorry.
Don't kill me, please.
In my defense, I believe Feli needs to work through her feelings. Own up to them. And needs to learn to listen before jumping to conclusions. Just saying...

Crawling towards the ending of the book, I want my characters to grow. Becoming more of their true selves. And I think you will get it as you read on.

♡